Friday, July 29, 2005

huh??

a friend of mine had a "guy's night" a week ago at his home. there were about six of us and we just ate and hung out and it was cool. i got the feeling and know now that we all had different beliefs. the age group was varied too. after eating we watched a tv show and played a couple of video games. during that time my friend was showing me a book called "The Complete Works of Francis A. Schaeffer" that he is reading right now. we were talking about different aspects of the book and at some point creation came up. one of the guys who goes to our church, and i'm probably assuming here, but i'm pretty confident in my assumtion, is a christian said that he wasn't sure that he believed in the creation story in Genesis. he said that he didn't think he could believe that we were created from the earth/dust. i was pretty surprised to hear that. my thinking is that if you're a believer and you believe that Christ died on the cross for our sins and arose three days later, how could you not believe in the creation according to Genesis? isn't the bible whole truth? if one doesn't believe in one part of it then how can one believe in any of it? what about the virgin birth? the parting of the red sea? the miracles Jesus performed? johah and the whale? how about lazarus? the story of sampson? david and goliath? if all those accounts are true in the bible then how could the creation account not be? if you believe in God's Word as truth, wouldn't it all be true?

Thursday, July 21, 2005

this week has still been pretty rough but i feel better today. and compared to yesterday, its like i was so low yesterday that feeling so much better today doesn't seem logical. i can't explain why i do. prayer is a wonderful thing. "what a friend we have in Jesus - what a privilege to carry every thing to God in prayer". yesterday i was ready to cry, felt so overwhelmed with life, mostly money, but life just seemed to be too much. from the time i got up i didn't even want to come in to work, it took alot for me to not just stay home. i felt like being a "no call now show" and just let the cards fall where they may. i was in a bad mood too, angry, and i don't hide that well. but like i said, prayer is a wonderful thing. do i still have the same concerns? yes. but they're not weighing on me like yesterday, not now anyway.



i still desire God, still desire to be a "better" Christian and when i read from ybmt, i get encouraged. freedom in Christ, it doesn't make sense to alot of people. christianity does seem to have a lot of do's and don'ts, but when you really seek Him, you see that the freedom is freedom from all that's wrong in this life. it's freedom from that inner man who wants to do his own thing, who thinks he knows better than God. thinks he can make it on his own. and the funny thing is we can't even breath on our own, yeah we might understand how it is we breath and that oxygen is necessary, but we really have no control over it. but that subject will lead to a tangent, lol so i'll stop there. another encouraging read is say what now?. just discovered him today through ybmt. God is good y'all. (not that anyone is reading this, hopefully in the near future). but if anyone is reading this, God is good, beyond our full understanding, but i challenge anyone to seek Him out. you'll be challenged like never before.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

God's Sovereignty

i wonder if God still works with us even when we're struggling. what i mean is romans 8:28-29 says "28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." but what about when those He's called are struggling? Jesus said that "if you love me you will obey what i command" John 14:7. but what about when you're in a place where obedience is hard for you? meaning that you're losing in the battle against flesh, you try but lose out.



the NIV says that this is when Jesus was promising the Holy Spirit to the
disciples. He makes the statement again in verse 22 - "Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."



so again the question would be, does God still work for the good of those who love Him when it seems like it's a daily struggle to keep your mind clean? are we not relying on the Holy Spirit in that case? is there a concrete way to know when the Holy Spirit is working in you? is it automatic? you accept Christ and recieve the Holy Spirit? i guess these are questions not a question.



these are things that run through my mind. what sux is having the desire to live for God and still stumbling and tripping and falling over yourself. how do you let go and let God?

Friday, July 15, 2005

it's been a tough week spiritually. the wife and kid are away and my motivation just died down. i had a feeling this would happen. i dunno if this happens with other people but sometimes i slip backwards and have to start over again. i don't like that about myself. i'd like to stay focused and not sway. i think a good bible study to go to might help. i know of one on saturday nites, i might check it out. it would be tough to do though. with our schedules it might not work. i'll have to check and see if there are any online where people meet on a regular basis.


but i haven't given up, just disappointed in myself. i can see the difference in my thought process when i'm not really in the Word. for me it seems to be something that should be done on a daily basis or at least on a regular basis during the week. a good few hours spent reading the bible and getting to know God and understand His nature. from all the reading i've been doing i can see that there's so much to be learned from the bible. hopefully i'll get back on track soon.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

strugglin

i'm strugglin today. we're supposed to love God with our whole being. how do you do that? i see so many people write about loving God with their heart, mind, body and soul. does that mean they don't disobey? does that mean they don't struggle with disobedience? a friend told me that if you hate what you do, as in your disobedience, you're on the right track. well i do hate when i mess up, but i hate it more when i know i'm gonna mess up and part of that is due to temptation just gnawing away at me. how do you fight yourself? II Corinthian 5:17 says if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. the new has come and the old has gone away. why do i not always feel like the old has gone away. i feel like the old is always in the shadows lurking for an opportunity to come back. its frustrating. is there any one else who has this experience?? so far this blog has been private, so today i think i'll make it public, and see if i get any replies to the question.

Friday, July 08, 2005

i'm goin back to cali, back to cali

i met with my manager yesterday and was informed that i'm heading back to the site i was at previous to this one. bleaahk! much bigger site, office politics and it can be quite the busy site. and stressful. i've changed alot since i worked there. it was just one year ago. i know a year ago, i woulda been heated about the decision to send me back, probably woulda taken it more personal. but God is working in me. so the attitude about alot of things have changed, its pretty amazing and catches me off guard when i notice my reaction to alot of things now. deep down inside i can feel the change of my heart.


the main thing i'm dissapointed with is that i'm not gonna be able to have my "breakfast with the Lord". for the past few months i've been having devotions in the morning at work. for awhile it wasn't every morning then it just turned into an every morning thing. something i really wanted to do. just about every morning i was getting to work hungry by the time i got in, so i'd get my tea and bagel or whatever each morning and do my devotions. sometimes it would turn into a couple of hours of looking up scripture, or reading on a specific topic and reading the scriptures that went along with that topic. i won't be able to do that now. no private office. so i'm gonna miss what i called my breakfast with God...getting fed with His spiritual food.


i'll be in a larger office with three other guys. i don't know one of them, but the other guys are not Christians. i won't be able to play my music like i was before. and the enviroment itself is just not that great. my wife was encouraging and said God will find away for us to continue meeting. i hope so. my response was "its me i don't trust". there'll be different guys there now then when i left, but the language is usually pretty coarse there. and that means i'm gonna be surrounded by alot more worldliness and Jesus's name is only used in profanity. in my office i was able to sit and do searches on Christian music and concentrate more on my relationship with God. sometimes listening to sermons, reading other Christian blogs, online magazines, anything that had to with the Lord, just discovering God. i'm actually feeling very saddened by it at the moment. i'm trusting that this is what He wants. its not permanent, but i need to do my part to make sure i'm not there too long. the sup says it for training purposes and so i can get my certification. we'll see, time will tell.


i'm still very interested in being a personal trainer. we met with some friends the other nite that i used to work with at another company and i brought up that this field wasn't my passion. we talked about what i think i'd like to do and one of them sent me links on getting certified as a personal trainer. i've looked it up before so i kinda knew what i need to do, but it was very sweet
of her. maybe it's time to really consider moving on, i'm just waiting for wifey to finish nursing school and start working before i make that kinda financial commitment. but like i said, we'll see.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members." - Romans 7:21-23


i'm a Christian who struggles with sin. i personally don't hear too many Christians come right out and say that. i don't see it on too many blogs, not that i've read tons of them, but haven't seen it too much. are there Christians who struggle with sin and know it? who can admit it outloud? i can. i have days that go well and i'm walking with the Lord and trying to live like He wants and want nothing more. then i'll have those days where the inner man wants to do his own thing, and i play "dictator" insteading of playin "host". that is very frustrating. and the thing is, temptation is always right there whispering in my ear. the days of playing "dictator" are less and less, but it's still frustrating. i don't feel as guilt ridden as i used to cuz i know i'm forgiven and i dunno if thats always good. well, i think in my case it probably is, cuz alot of times the guilt is what would help keep me from coming forward and admitting i've sinned. and before you know it, i'm living in sin instead of running from it. weird how guilt works that way. but God had an answer for that, 1 John1:9, and Romans 3:11 reminds me that there is no one perfect. Romans 3:21-25 help me to persevere because i do believe.



i will say this too, since i've been really making an earnest attempt to live a godly life, a spirit filled life, the things that do not fall in line with that have less of an appeal and don't seem to have the same grip as before. i'm starting to have a better understanding of freedom in Christ, but it is a daily struggle. and the main thing is making that true attempt to know God and earnestly seek Him. it sounds like a cookie cutter answer but i do believe that when one does really seek Him through His word, He changes you. His word speaks to your heart.

about noah and the butterflies

that cartoon was funny to me cuz i just finished reading about the flood. i got interested in it because of the title of an album i was looking up and its connection to the bible. but anyway, noah spent just about a year, from one birthday to another birthday on the ark. you could kinda see how someone coulda been a little loopy after spending that much time on an ark. i dunno...it just struck me as funny, i emailed the link to my wife and she laughed out loud too, (i knew she would)

Friday, July 01, 2005

LOL


this made me laugh at loud yesterday!!

feeling a little overwhelmed

i was feeling pretty overwhelmed this morning, and forgetting to bring july's train pass didn't help. thats not like me, but the conductor was nice enough to lend me $10 so i could make it to and from work. i was planning on getting off at the next stop and walking back home since i couldn't get a hold of the wifey. man, taking care of a baby is ALOT OF WORK. much props to all the single moms with children. one is hard enough!! i barely have the energy to get up for work in the morning, much less get things done around the apt. when people tell you that life will never be the same you don't really grasp it until you're there taking care of your child and don't get to do the things you used to and want to do. bad enough i started getting sympathy pains in the form of being very very tired. been tryin to recover ever since. and now that he's here, the mental and emotional drain is heavy. being a first time parent is rough!

i don't get to the gym nearly as much now and that's hard for me cuz once the summer rolls around i'm a beast about going to the gym. and the past two summers i was makin real progress. i don't mind too much, its just hard for me to see that hard work slippin away and i've been working out for years, it's important to me. but all in due time. that's the attitude i have to take and i still get to play basketball about twice a week. i'm grateful for that. for awhile i was only playing once a week and i was starting to put weight on. my appetite didn't chage but i wasn't burning the food off as easily.


anwyay, the other day while talkin to a friend on the train it brought the verse "The last will be first, and the first last" (Matthew 20:16) to mind. i think that what Jesus was saying that on all levels of our lives our attitude should be to put others first. to put our own desires in the background. He also said in verse 26 and 27 "whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave". that was radical to say in those days and i think it's even more radical today. we are all about ourselves. and it's evident in the simplest things like how we drive on the highways. some one driving 80 miles an hour with a car length between him and the car in front of him will more often than not get cut off by someone who just had to get in front of him. so i try to use that verse as a reminder that raising my son and spending quality time with him even in the early early years of his life is important. important to him and important to me, even if i think an hour or two spent at the gym can't do harm this early on in his life. there's a time for everything and i'll get the time to get back in on regular basis when it's time. in the mean time i can do the best i can to work out when the opportunity presents itself.