the sin problem

well, a few hours since my last post i came across two posts that we're actually encouraging because of the writer's transparency. first jenn wrote about the mortification of sin, and to me at least, it touched on some of what i was expressing in my previous post. then larosa posted a devotion about this incredible walk we're on.

jenn posted this over at hcr and one of the forum members responded with lyrics from a song that means alot to him. his hcr name is Conviction Music and you can check out his myspace page, he has an album in the works.

these lyrics also really say some things that are in my heart and express the frustration i feel at times:

You know the feeling when you tired and you stressed out/
you need to pray but your too prideful to just bow so you lie with ya chest out/
frontin like your fine, but in ya mind ya stretched out/
ya put you faith face on but deep in side ya fresh out/
Ya tell ya self, i cant believe that im faking/
but im scared they gone judge me if they see that im aching, see that im facing/
troubles thats gone lead to disgrace then, i'll be humbled once they see that im caged in/
im weak and ive straight sinned, my problems got me thinking i cant win/
now im going off on family, man, i mean it my faiths dim/
im 'pose to be a Christian full of love and not the flesh, but i confess this
weight is to heavy for me to squat or press/
i gotta rest, before this ungodliness topples me, sometimes i think/
that God is gotta be tired of watching me/
when most the time im leading cats to his face, this time its me that needs your love, im coming back to your grace/

hopefully i'll be in a better place soon. it's hard to explain, cuz as down as i feel at times i have confidence in God and that He's still shaping and molding me. i had more thoughts i wanted to write but they've left me for now. i'll be back later.

this battle

i get so tired of fighting this fight some times. sometimes it feels like it's all-consuming, like it's always there in the back of my mind. i'd appreciate it if more christans were real about that side of being a christian. talk about how it can feel like a weight at times, it's not always easy to trust. call it crazy or what ever but it's a reality.

at the same time my faith kicks in and says to trust Him cuz He's in control. but i wanna be in control. i wanna decide what way my life goes. lol...ironic right? my last post was about God's providence and this one is saying "i wanna drive!" but that's real, at least for me it is. i ride the fence sometimes and know it. i hate it when i do it, and probably while i'm ridin' it, it comes to mind. that's real y'all. real talk. i get tired, i dunno about anyone else. the thing is, i want to know what it is to rest in Him. i do rest in Him and then i pull right back.

the battle.
sometimes it's like i'm just in the mode where i'm thirsting to know more about God. about this mystery and sure enough here comes all kinds of distractions to lead you the total opposite direction. then i'll hear a song that makes me say i want that, i want to be that in love with God, and of course here comes the opposition. i feel it in my bones. it wears on me sometimes.

i fall short in so many areas. that's a hard reflection to look at. i've been reading alot. alot of debates about this doctrine and that doctrine. things i just never put any thought into before. it's alot to take in, and trying to navigate your way through can be a stumbling block. i think that's an appropriate use of that saying.

i still feel like i'm on the outside looking in. but deep in my heart i feel like there's a chance i'm on the right road. that there's hope. other tims i feel confident in that hope and it's more than just a chance.

that's how serious it is for me, it literally feels like a matter of life and death. it feels like i feel the weight of life and death and the importance of making the right decision. kinda like that new taye diggs series on abc called day break, except i don't get to start the same day over and over and make different choices. there's more going on then what it seems alot of people are aware of. any one feel me on that? cuz for real...there has to be more.

i started reading my bible on the regular starting with the book of Ruth. i'm in I Kings now and Solomon has started sacrificing to other gods. why man???? but who's to say i wouldn't have done the same thing right? but i digress. so seeing the beginning of his end and seeing how David fell before him and Saul before him, i'm eager to see what Solomon has to say in Ecclesiastes.

i'm seeing trends in how God reaches out to us and how we respond. what is that? what is it that's in us that makes us want to rebel? i know about sin, believe me i know about sin. but why is it there? i have other questions and/or thoughts on sin but that's for another post.

sorry if this post was too all over the place for anyone but i felt the need to be really real tonight. it's a hard walk and i get the feeling that more of us don't actually say it. some of us know the right things to say but aren't always living the way we talk. please don't get me wrong. i've said it before and i'll say it again, my desire is to know God, to love God with all my heart and soul. i think God is amazing. i don't think there's anyway any one person or groups of people could make up a story like this that would impact the world. the story being how God sent His son to die for us. when one considers the impact of the bible on the world!! and it's message? c'mon. i could go on, He is literally everywhere. so i know He's real. i'm just trying to think things through i guess.

alright, i've run out of words, plus i have to get to bed, gotta be up in 5 hours and i'm not really prepared. g'nite.

providence

this is life is a trip. sometimes things line up in such a way that you can't help feel like it's too much of a coincidence and somehow you know it's not.

it's been awhile since i posted and alot has happened. we've had a few guys leave on the desktop team here at work. a friend of mine was one and i wasn't happy to see him go. he's a good guy, he seems to have a heart that desires to know God. he listens to gospel and opened my ears up to some artist and we just got along. it was good to have someone around to talk about God with. about a week after he left, another friend of mine left. he's a christian also and i didn't find that out until about a month before he left. he likes christian rap and was surprised to find out i did and had quite a bit of music. i made a mix cd for him to check out some artists he hadn't heard of. he surprised me by letting me know he wanted to stay in contact outside of work and appreciated the conversations we had, especially since they were about Christ and living the christian life. to my surprise again, i got an email from him saying wassup, but i was so busy at work i couldn't make time to respond so i'll get back to him on monday. so we're down a few guys at work, and actually a third guy left the same day as my first friend. my two friends who left were both young christian men in different stages of their walk, but it was good to have them as co-workers which is rare.

so check it, now we're down three guys overall and we need two at my site. we need four guys to support my site and we need two asap. (be patient, i'm building it up.) we're told that two guys have been hired and will be starting soon. only one guy shows up and we get introduced. he's a very large man, about six three and in the two hundred plus range. when we walked into a dept to work on a computer, he was behind me and i walked up to the person saying "uh huh, say it now!" "now what?!?" just being silly cuz he's so big!! anyway back in our office we get to talkin and i find out he's about 10yrs older than me and has quite a bit of experience in the field. at some point he says that he's not sure why the Lord brought him here but he'll find out. the conversation continues and he says something about the Lord again. so ee head out to look at a computer in the dept i mentioned earlier and it happens to be a girl that i've mentioned on the blog before. she's grown so much in her walk with the Lord since we've met!! turns out they know each other! she recognized him and knew what city he was from and they realized they knew each other from church!! she knows his wife and they have other friends in common. she tells him how we (me and her) know each other and things take off from there. later i tell him that i feel like God sent him here for me, or at least thats part of it. lol. he teaches sunday school and is in the praise group at his church. he knows a woman who baby sat my son and may know my sister cuz she went to that church for awhile. he lives in the town i just moved from which is about 15 mins away and to top it off...he's into hhh!! what?!?! he knows some local artists cuz they've performed at his church and his wife has sang on a couple of their tracks. the artist is Disciple who's from boston and recently performed at a church i used to attend. isn't that crazy!?? he even had cd's on him for me to check out!! i'm gonna make a mix cd for his 10yr son cuz someone at a private christian school, lol, introduced him to a song by a secular artist named akon. his lyrics are not for 10yr olds and not for 10yr old christian boys. we discussed it and he's down with it. he uses the topical memory system for memorizing scripture, which is the same method i use, he just puts them on buisness cards. i just think it's amazing that a third christian has come to work here at my site and he seems to be a very solid brother for Christ. he studies the Word, looks up the original meaning of words to get a better understanding, which is something i've been doing also. it's exciting and has lifted me up already, and we've already had discussions about scripture and life experiences. God is good and i feel so undeserving of His blessings sometimes, know what i mean? but i'm glad and i'm hoping alot of iron sharpening iron will be going on.

i finally got shai linne's solus christus project!! it's a great cd and i love it. i've heard a few of the songs on hcr radio and on the internet so it's wasn't like a brand new cd but i love how it flows from one song to the next. the concepts were well put together and you could feel his heart on just about every song it seems. really for me, there's not one song i'd skip. dark night of the soul, my portion, mic check 1.2 with phanatik and stephen the levite and random thoughts are the songs that get played alot right now, angelz ft. evangel and tim brindle are also hot pieces. the best thing was i got the cd in a week!! i was thinking two maybe three weeks, especially since pay pal originally had the wrong mailing address for me and i had to send an email to lampmode to let them know. so my next pick up is gonna be the great awakening by timothy brindle. i've heard good things about that cd and i like timothy brindle alot so i'm sure i'll be fed by it and enjoy it. next on the list; to die is gain by stephen the levite and after the music stops by lecrae. i'm not sure which i'll get first. recently i've also picked up; living proof by zee, genocide by the yunion, in the meantime by bmorr and a few free singles here and there. i'm feeling all of the cd's i mentioned. bmorr surprised me, i really like his flow and topics. some songs that stand out for me are at the gates, self worship and life goes on. on zee's album heaven ain't got no ghetoo is a great song, and i can't remember the other titles from that cd cuz it's been awhile since i listened to it. the yunion cd is full of tight songs, great production and gritty beats and the skits were funny. ok, i think i'll call it a night, at least for blogging. check out my radio blog, dark night of the soul and my portion are up there, give them a listen.

He is such a mystery

God is such a mystery to me. i go through periods of doubt and lots of questions and they push me away from Him. but eventually i go back to Him. and i can't explain it, of course i don't expect that i should. but i read His word and it affects me. there's always this "pull" to know more, to understand better. looking at doctrine, especially calvinism, i came up with lots of questions but i didn't pray for the answers to them. i looked for them in the Word, but i didn't really talk to Him about them. i actually got upset and it just made me question more. this is not a knock on that doctrine, just a statement on what little i looked into caused me to feel this way. is it me? is it something in me that says i'm not sure i agree with that? i think i'd struggle with things i find in the arminian doctrine also. who knows?? i stopped carrying and reading my bible on the train. my bag was feeling heavy and truthfully it does add weight when you factor in my laptop and lunch and other things i carry. but i grabbed it when i came in today, cuz i wanna read it again. hoping it'll help me have a better understanding of God. i think my perception of Him is off, that's the best way i can say it. but who does have the complete and correct view of Him?

anyway, i'm finding myself surrounded more and more by people who have some kind of relationship with the Lord and are wanting to have a better one. it's kinda weird, and i noticed it last night when i took stock of the conversations i'm having at work lately. one guy in particular caught me by surprise. me and another co-worker where talking about whether or not the Sabbath should be kept. actually i just made that statement that that is sometimes a debate-able topic for some people, and of course we kinda started debating over it. well the other person joins in and has some good stuff to add to the conversation in general. and we've talked since and it seems his heart is sincere cuz he talked about wanting his family to get saved too. he also talked about wanting to live a more obedient life and some of the struggles he's been having lately. another thing that came up was the need for a community of christians to help you and build you up in your walk. and i volunteered to try and help lift him up and told him we could try to build together!! whoa...where did that come from?? not my normal m.o. we'll see how things go. i told him that there are other christians i've come across in my "travels" through our work place and that some of us encourage each other.

He's a mystery. i'm still struggling in this walk, and i'm more willing to talk about my faith than ever before. i still have questions and push back alot, but i'm still hungry for Him. i try not to use terms that are common in Christendom but hungry is the best way to describe it right now. He is irresistable but in a subtle way, at least with me. i'm starting to babble now. just wanted to "write" my thoughts while i had the time and the urge.

A Stubborn Little Lamb

A Stubborn Little Lamb
Tuesday, November 7, 2006 by Anabel Gillham


As for God, His way is blameless.
Psalm 18:30

For the Lord your God is a compassionate God.
Deuteronomy 4:31

Whom He foreknew, He also predestined
to become conformed to the image of His Son.
Romans 8:29

I am confident of this very thing, that
He who began a good work in you will
perfect it.
Philippians 1:6

"Cmon, Buttons, you can do it! Jump! Hey, you're supposed to go over the poles,not try to knock them down with your head! Jump! Please jump!"

Sherrie watched as the lamb tried every way to get around or under the hurdle rather than to jump over it. He was dirty and completely exhausted, and she was dirty and completely exhausted.

It was only three months until the first competition, and this stubborn Buttons adamantly refused to do what she knew must be done in order to win. She picked him up and put him over the barricade. She guided him through her legs and arms, making a tunnel that would be his only way to go. No success. She was dealing with an obstinate, stupid, rebellious little sheep.

This wasn't the first time Sherrie had entered a lamb in the livestock show, but it was the first time she had experienced such difficulty in training an animal that was bent on bucking someone so much bigger and smarter than he was. And she wasn't doing anything that would hurt him . . . only what it would take to make him into a prizewinning sheep.

Sherrie had tried everything to get him to go through this simple routine that was needed to strengthen his hindquarters. It was an important point in the judging, so she was obviously going to have to take more drastic measures. She had put his food on the other side of the hurdle and the silly little lamb still balked. In fact, he nearly wore himself out trying to get under the hurdle.

What to do? "Well, Ill just put in more barriers to where he can't possibly get under the barricade or go around it. He will have to go over it! Why he's so determined to go against what I have planned for him, and where he got it into his little brain that I'm trying to hurt him or that I'm doing something that will ruin his life, is beyond me."

All of us like sheep have gone astray,
Each of us has turned to his own way.
Isaiah 53:6

Hmmmmm. I think I understand a little better now why were sometimes compared to sheep in Your Word.

My head is throbbing from trying to knock my problems out of the way. I'm weary. Exhausted. Bewildered. And why am I so determined that what You allow to come into my life is meant to hurt me or to wreck my plans, when Your only purpose is to make me into a prizewinning sheep?

Im sorry, Lord. Thank You for working so hard with me. And I'm very thankful to know that You aren't going to give up on me.

My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.
John 10:27

Come to think of it, You're the only One who knows the date of the competition. Maybe You're working overtime on some of us?


hmmmm....that's me right now....
from today's devotional at life time guarantee

so much to say....

and not enough time that's a (redeemed thought) song. sorry, been real busy at work and right now i don't have internet access at home. i had so many thoughts that i wanted to put down this week. thoughts on God's sovereignty and His purpose in our lives. ummm...our purpose as a whole, kinda like "why are we here?" questions, i guess that's what you call them. observations that i have about how we as Christians interact with one another. also some thoughts on my own inner turmoil. why my inner man resists God so much, but at the same time there's a burning desire to live for God (it's so tiring). but time has not allowed it. i'm considering taking a break from HCR and spending more time discovering God for myself. i've been doing alot of reading there and taking alot of what i observe in, trying to learn and grow. but there's alot to muddle through. so to my legion of readers (lololol) sorry i haven't posted in a minute. but i will leave you with this thought. have you ever asked yourself or thought to ask God:

what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him? - psalm 8:4

i've asked myself that question alot lately. especially in light of how corrupt we are. like my man phanatik says "i'm buggin how God ain't flamin up the oven yet". in a day and age when men are going into schools and killing little girls, and kids are going into school killing each other and sometimes anyone in their sight, and all the evil that is so prevelant in this world, what is it about us that God is mindful of us. mindful enough to send His Son to die for us??

theology and doctrine hmmm

i've been a believer for quite some time, since i was a young child. but it wasn't until recently that i became aware of theology and doctrine. i mean i've heard those words before, but that's all they were. well not really, i knew they meant something but wasn't sure exactly what and i didn't know their importance. well thanks mostly to alot of the reading i do at holycultureradio.com forum, i'm starting to do some investigating. it's mostly due to alot of the debates that have been going on at the message board, mostly around Calvinism and Arminianism. more of that kinda talk is done at the general theology board. right nowthis one in particular is pretty good and people are talking without throwing insults around. it's a much better read then some of the previous threads. now when it comes to which group i may fall under, i wouldn't say that i am one or the other, but if it came down to it, i'd probably be considered Arminian. some of the discussions that go on at the site, i've had with other friends to some degree, but nothing like these guys. there's alot of talk about church history and stuff i've just never heard of. but just like the discussions i've had with the guys, it's caused me to dig deeper, which is good, cuz i need to spend more time in the Word and in prayer. the good thing about not being involved in the dicusssions on the board for me is that i don't go into the Word with the mindset that i'm gonna prove someone else wrong. i am earnestly seeking though, to see if what this or that person says lines up with Scripture. i'm also just trying to get know God better. it's sooo much though man, all the doctrinal beliefs, alot of heady stuff, lots of terms to learn and some of the writers (writers of doctrine) were from different time periods so i have to get through their different way of speaking or writing as it were. hopefully this lasts for me, cuz i can get really into something then either just drop it or slowly fade out of it. but the desire is there now and it really stems from a desire to know God and to be the man He intends me to be. but it's time to go, gotta train to catch!!

me and the homeless

i have an issue with the homeless that i see pretty much daily during my commute to and from work. first let start off by saying i worked in a homeless shelter for 7yrs. it was a shelter for homeless, mentally ill substance abusers. so i am familiar with the community. most shelters make the clients leave the shelter for the day, usually there's some activities they can go to or other programs. my issue is i see the same homeless people just about everyday in the same spot with their cups out. and i don't know if it's cuz i've experienced that community of people up close or just something ugly inside me but i get kinda angry seeing them there every day. sorry if that sounds harsh. but i saw a dude out there who i've seen for about a year now with new sneakers on! i dunno, but i wonder what my response should be. it's not like i've got money to spare really. i really don't. but at the same time, as a christian how should my heart be responding? it just seems suspect to see them in the same spot every day with their cups out. when it's a game day more homeless come out and they find strategic places to sit. one guy on crutches stands and holds the door to the commuter rail station open with a cup in his other hand. c'mon now, talk about pulling on your heart strings.


Proverbs 21:13
If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor,he too will cry out and not be answered.

Proverbs 28:27
He who gives to the poor will lack nothing, but he who closes his eyes to them receives many curses.

Proverbs 19:17
He who is kind to the poor lends to the LORD, and he will reward him for what he has done.

my concern is what are they using that money for? i don't want to contribute to any "habits". i don't wanna be one of many being exploited.

i do give though. i don't give as often as i see them, cuz that's every day but i do give and i'd like to be able to give more. or to take someone out to lunch or breakfast. get to know their story maybe. that would be a good thing to do. maybe some day i'll be that kind of person or i'll go with someone else who is. eh who knows. i do know i'd like to not feel such a tug of war when i see a homeless person, not feel so annoyed. i think the work i did in the homeless shelter also effects my thinking and when i remember that alot of them have some sort of mental illness, it's something else to consider. i also know it's by God's grace i'm not in that position and i hope to have a softer heart some day.

Learning To Walk

Today's Devotion from Our Daily Bread

Learning To Walk



I remember those days long ago when our children were learning to walk. First they showed their readiness by pulling themselves up and taking a tentative step or two. My wife and I would reach out our hands and encourage them to walk toward us. We held them up by their hands or by the suspenders on their overalls. We praised every effort and encouraged every attempt. We never grew discouraged, nor did we give up until they learned to walk.

So it is with our heavenly Father: He “taught [Israel] to walk” (Hos. 11:3). He took His children “by their arms” and “drew them with gentle cords, with bands of love” (vv.3-4).

Our heavenly Father stands before us with outstretched arms, encouraging us toward holiness, eager to catch us when we stumble. He picks us up when we fall. He is never discouraged with our progress, nor will He ever give up. The more difficult we find the process, the more care and kindness He expends.

George MacDonald put it this way: “God will help us when we cannot walk, and He will help us when we find it hard to walk, but He cannot help us if we will not walk.” Even though you fall, you must try again. Your Father holds you by the hand. —David H. Roper

Savior, let me walk beside Thee,
Let me feel my hand in Thine;
Let me know the joy of walking
In Thy strength and not in mine. —Sidebotham

We can’t run the Christian race until we learn to walk.

just what i needed to hear today. in my heart i want so badly to live for God. live a life that's pleasing to Him. not one that just appears that way from the outside. i know my heart and it needs work. i keep trying to do it my way and rely on my own strength and i fail every time, and with the quickness too! but i'm trying to communicate more with Him and i feel a strong desire to know Him more, to know what it really means to have the heart and mind of Christ.
i'm getting back into my scripture memorization. at first the verses i was memorizing were about living the christian life, i think now i'm going to try and memorize scripture that speaks of God's love for me. alot of times in my mind i think He's sitting and waiting for me to mess up, as if He's against me. but i know that's not true. this is the first one i'm going to add to my list;

Psalms 84:11 For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.

it's kinda funny that timothy brindle quotes this verse in "blessings of obedience" from the killing sin album, and i was planning on looking it up. then while doing a search on purity on desiringgod.org this week, this was a verse that i came up on.
so for now, i think my memory verses will focus a little more on His promises. ok, i have some work to do. i'll be back (you know...said like arnold schwarzenegger)

new music on the radio blog

Finally!! i've been slacking with this blog as a whole, but the radioblog hasn't had anything new for a hot minute! Some music from Smokie Norful, who i just discovered. well, i've seen his album cover a while back but i was too immersed in my discovery of hhh at the time, lol. then a friend let me listen to his cd and i love what i hear. so technically i didn't discover him, but i digress. hehe. umm, there's a new song from this cat named BDill, check him out on his myspace page. then there's a song from the 116 Clique, one of my fav praise songs. i can't wait to get lecrea's latest, "after the music stops"!! i've heard snippets and i think this will be a cd that will be on heavy rotation once i get it. i love that song "jesus musik". i haven't mentioned it yet, i don't think i have anyway, but i've met some christians here at work and we've been building and we share a love for music. one of my friends loves gospel music and has turned me on to a few artists, Smokie being one of them, so i'm even closer to expanding my musical horizons and changing my music collection. i'm still sooo behind, still haven't picked up the solus christus project by shaii linne, and the great awakening by timothy brindle and why hiphop 2k6. and now cross movement has chronicles greatest hits vol.1 out, and i still haven't gotten metamorphasis by j.r. after hearing some tedashi i think i could possibly like his cd kingdom people too, and Trip Lee's project if they only knew, i like his flow. hmmm...let's see...then there's r-swifts' album, revolutionary theme musik, and stephen the levite's new solo joint, to die is gain, which i have a feeling will have some meaty stuff on it. oohh, there's more but right now, those are on the top of my list. then i'll have to pick up some gospel cd's...i'll list those another time.

What do You See?

i love this song, and seeing someone made a video to go with it....love it. Powerful song and the video just adds to it. i haven't seen the movie yet (gasp...i know) but i do planning on seeing it. this was hard to watch though but it's something we as believers should consider and remember.

a brief summer update

the summer is almost over and it was a pretty good summer. we didn't spend any time at the cape this summer like previous summers. i haven't spoken to my friend that runs the hotel we stay at which is unlike us. i haven't spoken to him all summer. i need to contact him to say what's up. i noticed he hasn't been calling since about january and for awhile i got that weird feeling like there was a reason. but i've seen him since then and everything seemed to be cool. but i need to reach out and make sure everything is cool.

my wife and i kept pretty busy and going to the cape may have been more of a hassle at times. with gas prices being as high as they are and us struggling financially it would have hurt us more than anything. especially since she ended up getting fired from her first nursing position after graduating. it's a long story and it wasn't a just firing. she could've easily sued since it was due to some medical issues she was having that caused her to miss some work. she disclosed this to her supervisor and didn't get a warning or anything. she had to ask if she was being fired!! she had worked for this hospital for 4 yrs as a nurse's aid, worked during her pregancy and even did double-shifts during her pregnancy. but it all worked out because we had company for most of august into july.

my dad came up and stayed with us for two weeks and then my sister came up the day after he left and stayed for ten days. if she was working she wouldn't have gotten to spend any time with either of them, and they might not have gotten to spend too much time with junior, the main reason they came to visit. it was the first time my dad was meeting his grandson and the second time my sister was seeing her nephew since he was born. so july was pretty booked up for us. my wife got a job at a higher pay rate at a different hospital and she loves the job. also it's a faith based hospital that refuses to do abortions and offers spiritual couseling which she is happy about. when she was at the other job she used to offer to pray for or with patients and most people were receptive to it. anyway she's happier here now and it's all worked out, she says getting fired was the best thing to happen. we've also had some other things going on, medical issues with her that i may get into another time.

working out has been going well, and i'll be joining the local Gold's gym which i'm pretty excited about. for the first time ever i worked out for a full year and i've definetly made some gains. except for taking a week or two off here and there either due to illness or just needing rest i was very consistent. and i've done pretty good with the nutrition side of it too. i put on some unwanted fat but since working out at Gold's i've been able to drop some of it without sacrificing lean body mass. i've been working out at Gold's for the past two weeks, they had a special going where anyone could work out there for a month for free.

it's just about lunch time for me, i'll post some more later, if not today, hopefully tomorrow. my walk has still been a struggle for me, maybe i can put some of into writing. meanwhile, check it - i loved this comic book character when i was into comic books for a brief moment in time and low behold...it's me! lol

Dedicated to Me

You lightly broke your solemn vows to me,yet I will keep the pledge I made to you when you were young.I will establish an everlasting covenant with you forever.Ezekiel 16: 59-60 TLB

I see myself in that verse of scripture. The day that I followed my Dad to the front of the First Christian Church of Poteau, Oklahoma and gave my heart to Jesus, I entered into a "solemn vow" with Him. Numerous times since that day I have, with tears and sincere regret, renewed that solemn vow—only to "lightly break that vow" again in a time of frustration, anger, self-protection, weariness, or doubt.
But the Person with whom I made that agreement when I was twelve years old says, "It's all right, Anabel. I'm not going to back out of the covenant we made. I'm going to keep all of My promises to you. We're different—You and me. You can trust Me, dear one. I won't break the vows I made with you."
You know, I've counseled a lot of married people. Sometimes one of the twosome is trying—everything possible—to make the marriage work, to make it the beautiful relationship that God created it to be. But for that to happen, both of them have to commit themselves to trying to make their union something special, and then beauty begins to come. Then love is renewed. Then the relationship becomes all that it is supposed to be.
In my covenant with the Lord, He is doing His very best to make our relationship all that He longs for it to be. I'm the one putting sand in the gears. I'm the one who is chasing other ways for fulfillment and I confess, "It's me, Lord. And I am so sorry."
As recently as yesterday I went to the front of the Church at the invitation of the pastor to pray. How sweet it was to be there—as close to prostrate as I dared to get in front of everyone who might have been looking. Once again I declared my love by this overt action, and my commitment as a Believer; I was acknowledging His authority and His majesty by kneeling and once again I renewed my solemn vow.
Thank You for being the Person of integrity that You are. Your love, your faithfulness, your dedication to me are absolutely marvelous!
Your steadfast love, O Lord, is as great as all the heavens.(That's beyond our ability to grasp, isn't it?)Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.(Beyond the clouds? No way can I imagine that.)Your justice is as solid as God's mountains.(I have never analyzed the "solidness" of a mountain, have you?)Your decisions are as full of wisdom as the oceans are with water.(Quite a comparison, isn't it?)You are concerned for men and animals alike.How precious is Your constant love, O God!Psalm 36: 5-7 (TLB)
What seems to be a minor infraction to me—lightly breaking the solemn vow I made with You—is a very major infraction with You. Help me to see that, Lord.

- Wednesday, September 6, 2006 by Anabel Gillham

LifetimeGaurantee.com

holy culture

i've been reading alot lately on the holy culture radio forum"build" message board and maaan...it's been kinda, ummm, i don't even know what to say without sounding harsh or judgemental. there's alot of theology that gets discussed on that board. even though it's called the "build board", it doesn't quite have that spirit. and i guess to get straight to the point, i don't care if you're right and you know without a doubt you're right, if you don't come at someone humbly with what you believe it's nothing but a "resounding gong" (1 Corinthians 13:1).

i guess that's a part of the human nature and i understand that when you're having a discussion online you can't hear the inflection of the other person or see they're face. but words themselves are powerful. words on a paper can start a war, know what i mean? so it should be well thought out before it's typed. and i feel that doing it in a "public" setting, ie, the message board instead of by private message doesn't help. things are probably worked out in a calmer way by private message, because you don't have other people interjecting their thoughts, or even changing the topic in the pm's. don't get me wrong, i really enjoy that site and i read that board in particular more than any other. i've learned a lot from reading that board and in some way i believe it's helping me in my walk. i read it enough to see the very distinct personalities of some of the members.

i'm a "lurker" but once in a great while i might stick my head in and say something. for now i'd rather observe. it's very interesting, it's educational, and i've learned alot from what members post. i don't know if this is how it is on all message boards, but there is alot of head butting that goes on and i wouldn't want to get caught up in it, and as an emotional being i know that it would happen. i don't mean that in the sense that i get easily excited, i just mean that as a human we let our emotions get the best of us more than we realize, even with the best intensions in mind.

right now my focus is on my relationship with the Lord. i feel He's really reaching out to me and i'm trying to respond and stay focused. and it's very hard for me to stay as consistent as i'd like. the site overall has definetly helped, it's been encouraging. encouraging to see that there are a people that i can relate to, who are younger than me and have such a zeal for God, and a thirst for knowlegde and love music. even though its a Christian hip-hop site, members have talked about other genres of music that they're into. so it's inspiring. there are plenty of times that i wanna join in and get to know a few members. but i'm a pretty quiet person, who in real life isn't the guy who announces that he's arrived at the party. i like to lay low and observe, you can learn alot about people when you do that. of course there's nothing like getting to know someone by talking to them and i love to do that too. but for now, and right now i think for me, it's best i just sit back in the cut and watch and learn and keep trying to grow.

not defeated

A Sinner-Defeated? Or A Saint-Completed?


Oh, please!
Listen to what I am saying.
You are deceived as I once was.
For me to be a "saint" was a lost
a hopeless cause.
Satan badgered me,
belittled me,
and blamed me for each infraction
large or small,
until he had thoroughly convinced me
that I wasn't a righteous saint at all!
My thoughts and my emotions were puppets in his scheme
to persuade me
that a life of victory was an elusive dream.
"Me? A new creation? A saint?
Oh sure! The day I die.
But for now I'm doomed to know defeat
no matter how hard I try."
"I just can't do it!"
"I am so unhappy."
"I'm so far from what He intends me to be."
These thoughts kept running through my brain and
Satan was controlling me.
How it must have grieved my precious Jesus
to know I listened-I believed.
When "in Him" I have been made righteous-a saint!
But I was so deceived.
Praise God! At last I've seen! I know!
I am a saint, clean and forgiven!
I am accepted in the Beloved and seated in God's heaven.
I am beyond reproach. I am holy.
I'm altogether lovely, redeemed, alive in Him!
It's true!
I know that I'm blameless, righteous, and complete.
And my dear Believer, so are you.

(www.lifetime.org )


i've fallen into this trap myself. and i'm trying to climb out of it now. my frustration with my weakness leads me to think "i'm so far from where He intends me to be". i also think about how long it's been since i asked Christ into my heart and the deep disappointment i feel that i haven't been a better follower since then. there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about the Lord and the desire i have to please Him, but i fall short, very short. and i'm a father now. i wanna be a good example for my son. i also feel that i should be a better example for my wife. hopefully i can get back on track soon. i'm going to try and take it one day at a time. so today is a new day and the goal for today is to live a life that is pleasing to Him today. Each day has enough trouble of it's own (Matthew 6:34), so maybe if i take on that mindset, and live out one day at a time, as if He were coming back that day....live for Him, then maybe i will do better. the other thing is i have to stop trying to do it in my own strength and remember that God says "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (II Corinthians 12:9)

i'm around

i haven't been up to blogging much lately. for one, my laptop has been giving me some serious grief here at work and i think i'm going to end up getting it replaced. also we've been extremely busy so that's gotten in the way and i'm pretty busy once i get home too. AND, i just haven't felt up to blogging. i'm very unhappy with my job right now, and that puts me in a sour mood and i'm still struggling with my walk. ugh. my devotion time has been cut into due to work being so busy and i dunno what happened but i just started feeling discouraged. and it's been a hard place to get out of. and sometimes that makes me angry. i hate the struggle, i hate that sometimes everything feels like its a matter of life and death. so i'm here, just trying to K.I.T. (keep it together). i got that from a steve martin/eddie murphy move. the movie is bowfinger and was surprisingly funny. i don't think i ever pictured those two doing a movie together AND it actually being funny. but it had me and the wife crackin' up and we still quote lines from it once in awhile.

so like i said, i'm struggling. pray for me. hopefully things will start to look up soon.

now playing

i've often wondered what it will be like when God judges us. and sometimes i had a similar vision in my mind of it being done in front of everyone. oy...i hope not. cuz this cartoon is a good illustration of what my reaction would be when my story comes up.

on the good news front, my wife had her graduation ceremony yesterday! she graduated from nursing school with honors and high honors!! i'm very proud of her and happy for her. it's a big accomplishment, especially considering she was a c- student in college. and in the 4 yrs of her going, we've had a miscarriage, a pet passed away (that was like a child to her), she found out she has a heart condition, her mother passed away, we moved, and she had a baby! that's alot to go through and maintain a high grade point average. she had her ceremonies and started working today. she still has to take her state boards in june and should be working as a certified r.n. by july if she passes the state boards (which i'm confident she will).

Little Pilgrim

i think this devotion below could be applied to "older" pilgrams too. i haven't been feeling too "up" the last few days. just strugglin with my walk...with my obedience. it's got me down right now, to be honest. maybe i should print this devotion out and put it somewhere like my fridge. to my legions of readers (sarcasm righ thurr), pray for this bruh. i get so tired of the struggle. when i think of all the years that i've been a believer, i feel like i should be in such a different place in my walk. i could cry right now. don't mean to be a downer, but that's where i'm at right now. and unfortunately, when i'm feeling like this, it manafests itself as anger. usually anger at the world, so i don't wanna talk to anyone, don't even like people looking at me and i look angry, it takes everything in me not to be cold when i'm interacting with people when i feel like this. isn't that terrible? hopefully i'll start to feel better soon. the one thing about feeling like this now, is i realize that i used to be like this ALL THE TIME. well, most of the time anyway. that dark cloud started to leave me when i started trying to get closer to the Lord. like Tonic says in "Closer to You"...

God, I say you're the greatest light of my life
Your cross, the greatest sight of my life
When I believed, the greatest night of my life
Since then, its the greatest fight of my life, to get at You
That's why I'm so glad you dont do it like ... I
Patience and love, you dont do it like ... I
Forgiveness and stuff, you dont do it like ... I

Little Pilgrim
Wednesday, May 3, 2006 by Anabel Gillham
Hi, Pilgrim. You've set out on a fascinating journey with your commitment to Jesus Christ as a new Believer. That means you are my brother or my sister and I love you and am so proud of you. Welcome to God's Forever Family! Now you, with your newfound sainthood and shiny halo may be thinking, "I can do anything! Look out, world. Here I come!" Your enthusiasm knows no bounds. You are ready, willing, and amazingly able! (You think!)

May I exhort you, Little Pilgrim: You are a new-born infant--be careful about volunteering for the front line, putting yourself in battle before you have been trained for battle! Some of us have walked many, many miles with the Lord and it isn't that we are smarter--we have just turned the pages of our Bible more than you have, underlined and memorized a lot of verses, and spent hours with our amazing Father. We have been trained (we never graduate!) and given the challenge of taking care of our younger family members.

If someone were to ask, "What are some of the most important principles of your new walk?" What would you advise a new pilgrim to center on? I believe there are some vital truths you need to know for your welfare. Let me give you five important ones:

1. You are never alone no matter what your circumstances may be:
"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand" (Isaiah 41:10).

"The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed" (Deuteronomy 31:8).

2. You do not face your battles--He does. He lives in you to face life for you. Read that again, slowly. Again! Again!
"You need not fight in this battle; station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf" (2 Chronicles 20:17).

"I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing" (John 15:5).

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).

You may feel lonely and abandoned. You may feel like you have more than you can bear. No. That is not true. It may seem that He has deserted you, but this is never, never, never true. It may seem that the road ahead is too dark, too steep, and too slick--you can't make it. You don't have to "make it." He never intended that you should TRY to "make it." He now lives in you and will face these scary, steep, slick, dark places for you! He tells us, "I want you to trust Me in your times of trouble so I can rescue you and you can give Me glory" (Ps. 50:15b).

3. You are loved--more than you could have ever dreamed of being loved.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness" (Jeremiah 31:3).

"May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love; and may you be able to feel and understand, as all God's children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high His love really is; and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it" (Ephesians 3:17-19 TLB).

4. You are forgiven--totally--of past, present, and future sins. You stand in His presence, CLEAN! Tell yourself that emphatically!
"When you were dead in your transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our transgressions, having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross" (Colossians 2:13-14).

"I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, And I will not remember your sins" (Isaiah 43:25).

5. You are a new person because of Jesus Christ and His death and resurrection. You died with Him and you were born again with Him--raised to walk as the new creation He has made you.
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me" (Galatians 2:20).

Conclusion? When you feel like saying, "I am so lonely," read #1 five times!

When you feel like saying, "I cannot DO this!" Read #2 ten times!

When you feel like saying, "No one cares about me! Nobody loves me." Read #3 again and again.

When you feel like saying, "How could He love me? I've done so many bad things!" Read #4 over and over again!

When you feel like saying, "I'm not any different! Look at me. I'm the same old insecure, frightened, inferior person I've always been." Read #5 again, and again . . ..

These are His basic truths for facing life. Ron Dunn gave this analogy. When a baby is born, he is equipped with everything he needs for facing his new world; he just has to learn to use all of his appendages. You don't wait until he is ready to walk, take him to the doctor and say, "Screw his legs on--he's ready to walk." The Bible tells us that God has given us everything we need for living in our world--we must learn to use what HE has so graciously given us (2 Peter 1:3).

Now, Little Pilgrim, don't be so audacious as to infer that God is a liar--which we do when we don't believe what He has said to us and refuse to take those words into our heart, making them our compass. These promises refer to you now. You are a Believer--one who believes. Think about these five truths. Set your mind on them. Thank Him for these truths that He has given you that you might be trained to face your world. With these tucked away in your thinking processes you can courageously declare: "Look out world! Here I come."

taken from Lifetime Guarantee

life by the spirit

i'm trying to learn how to live by the Spirit.

"but the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, against such things there is no law" - Gal 5:22-23.

that is one of my memory verses and i'm going to try thinking of that verse when the "old me" is rearing his ugly head. i realize that the harder you try to get closer to God, the enemy really comes at you, in subtle and not so subtle ways. there is is so much to say on the subject and obviously Paul talks about it alot in Romans, Galations, I and II Corinthians...etc. i kinda don't have the time now, i'm still at work and have about an hour left before it's time to go home, and once i'm home...fogetaboutit, wifey and the boy will want daddy's attention. maybe tonight when i get home from the gym. at any rate, i'm feelin the heat of the battle for my soul, and i'm trying to learn how to put on the whole armor.

"The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature." - Romans 13:12-14

giving Him your all

i'm sitting at home. i'm not really happy about that. i can't afford to go to church cuz gas costs so much, and we're broke and need to be very conservative with where we drive. driving to church will eat up the gas. i put 15$ in my tank yesterday and didn't even get a half tank! argh! i'd really like to start goin on a regular basis and i feel guilty about not going more than i do.

anyway i was doing some reading of various scriptures based on a study on ways to fight temptation. and all the scriptures point to Jesus. and i understand that He is the One to follow, our example. but a question i've had is how do you do that? how do you get there? how do you give yourself fully?? how do u trust Him in all you do?? is it always a struggle? sometimes i feel the weight of "trying". actually i feel that weight often. the spiritual battle wears on me.

i believe i'm growing and i believe i'll mature even more. just the fact that i'm asking these questions and that i want to do better in this relationship. but i guess it's like that cd, or book or something that you ordered, you're excited about it and you're waiting for it to get delivered. you know it'll be there soon, but you want it now. i understand that it can take time, but it gets frustrating.

the funny thing is i can talk to kim and she will ask a question about a certain subject and i can come up with a biblical answer. i can use examples from the bible to show how God dealt with something or what He says about different topics but i have the hardest time applying it that way in my own walk.

interesting

it's interesting that at one time the whole world spoke one language and with the ability to speak to same the language we had the potential to do anything (Gen 11:6). well, anything but thwart the plans of God. His command was to be fruitful, increase in number and fill the earth (Gen 9:1), but somehow we always seem to forget God's mandates for us and go with our own ideas (Gen 11:4).

i often wonder how it is that man in general thinks that he can be independent. it's not like one day we just decided to be born. its not like we really have any control over circumstances in our lives, no matter how hard we try. i can barely control getting out of the house on time for my train every morning! i can plan and have my clothes laid out, lunch cooked and packed, showered and shaved the night before and still end up rushing out. why? becuz something i didn't plan on may still happen. like not being able to find a sock i thought i put out, or a hat cuz it's raining and rain wasn't in the forecast. something that small can effect all the plans i had. and getting out of the house on time to catch a train is a small thing compared to the many challenges that come up in our life time!! it boggles my mind that other people can look at the human body and not think that Someone much greater created them. forget the whole human body, how about just the eye and how it works!! or how about that we have a waste management system!?!? or how about thumbs?? hehe. what a great God!! i guess what i'm getting at is if God can create us with such complexity then why is it we always seem to think we know better?

more and more i'm trying to submit myself to the Lord, cuz more and more i'm realizing that He has my best interests at heart, He's not trying to hold me back or keep me from enjoying this life. maybe, just maybe, if i do things according to His plan, i'll see that if plans i made didn't work out it was becuz it didn't work out the way i planned.

When the Pressure is On

Romans 5:1-5

What makes a shiny apple look so delicious? The skin, of course. But what is it about an apple that actually makes it delicious? The juice and substance inside. That's the apple's real "character."

I learned this as a boy watching my mom make applesauce. With a wooden pestle, she would mash the soft, boiled pieces of apple through a metal colander and into a bowl, until all that remained in the colander were drab, flattened skins. But oh, the sauce tasted so good!

God uses life's pressures to bring out the sweetness of Christlike character in us. Tribulation (which means "pressure" in the Greek) also helps us realize the awful potential of our sin nature and see it for what it is—ugly and tasteless. Under pressure, all kinds of sins begin to surface—greed, selfishness, lust, pride.

Pressure, whether from without or from an unrealistic perfectionism within, is a fact of our fallen world. God controls its intensity and duration so that we can recognize, confess, and renounce those fleshly "skins" that obscure Christ's character in us.

Tribulation is not something anyone seeks. But when it comes, the Holy Spirit will use it to create in us perseverance, character, and hope (Romans 5:3-4)

Today's devotional from Our Daily Bread

could you imagine!!?? LOL

you never know who's listening

yesterday a few of us who are christians, as well as a Jehova's Witness were on the train discussing the latest verson of the ten commandments showing on abc this week. just in case anyone is wondering, the general opinion of the show was it wasn't worth watching. i personally thought it had some really bad acting and it didn't stay true to the bible. that's a big surprise (said w/sarcasm). honestly i thought it was garbage. anyway, from there we discussed the movie "The Passion of the Christ" and went on to some other topics, like purity, music, and the influence of porn, even within the body of Christ. just as we got to my stop, a woman came up to us and said it was so pleasant to hear people talking about our Lord Jesus Christ unashamedly on the train. she said it was refreshing. it turned out that one of the people in our group goes to the same church as her. she was getting off at the same stop as me, so i caught up with her and asked her if we were too loud and she said we weren't any louder than anyone else having a conversation. she just happened to be close enough to hear what we were talking about and was glad to hear that kind of a conversation. it felt so good to hear that, it gave me chills. they were different chills though, can't explain it, just real good chills...lol. i told her that two years ago i wouldn't have been having that kind of conversation on the train. it kinda gave me a glimpse of where i was and where i am now. it's my desire to grow and mature in the Lord and it was my prayer just about two years ago at the altar in church. i told God i was tired of living off of milk and wanted to move on to meat. wow...did He ever answer that prayer!! i'll have to go into detail on another post. but it was nice to get a compliment from someone instead of weird or annoyed looks that we get sometimes when we talk about God or church.

another good thing about yesterday was i was listening to my mp3 player and one of the guys asked me what i was listening to. this gave me an opportunity to try and turn him away from listening to secular music. we've talked about it before and i made a cd for him that he really enjoyed. so i let him know that i had expanded my horizons and found other artist besides cross movement to listen to. he even remembered the name of the group, which surprised me. i already started making a new cd for him a week or two ago and i asked him if it was ok yesterday and he was all for it. so hopefully i'll have it done by friday and i'll see him and can pass it on to him. i'm very particular about the cd's i make for people. i usually have the person i'm making it for in mind, in terms of their personality and there's usually a message hidden in the cd. he knows that so much of what is being played on the radio is Godless and really doesn't promote a lifestyle that would be pleasing to God. hopefully this'll influence him some more to turn from it. he loves rap, so maybe i can get him really turned on to christian rap and he'll see that christian rappers have skills and they glorify God in their music, not money, sex, drugs, violence or themselves! i'm working on the cd now, but i haven't been to happy with the flow, so i'm gonna work out the kinks today and tomorrow.

by the way, if i haven't mentioned it already, i LOVE timothy brindle's cd killing sin!! for me it is such a convicting cd, at some points in listening to it, it made me sad cuz i could see that i still had a long way to go in my walk. but its an excellent cd and right now, i know its early but i'd say its my favorite cd for '06. it flows well, the beats are hot, the lyrics are hot and overall it flows really well. it's almost like listening to a story. if you love christian hip hop, its a must have!! shai linne's cd "the Solo Christus project". after that i'll get "the great awakening" by timothy brindle then i'm not sure what i'll get next. i just listened to the snippets for Genocide by the Yunion and i'll admit i was sleepin on that cd till i heard the snippets!! arrrgghhh!! so much to catch up on! i'm not worried about it...in time....in time.

some quiet time

yesterday i had to cover another site and it was a blessing!! it's a quiet site so i had plenty of time to just chill. most of the "chillin'" i did was quiet time with the Lord. i usually have music playin throughout the day at work and i don't think i played any yesterday. i spent time reading or watching stuff about the Lord.
i found this on cyberanger's blog. i watched most of it and i also read the book of Ephesians. i was surprised when i finished the book cuz i was finished before i knew it. i know it's a small book but i didn't rush through the reading and i read alot of the study notes in my bible that went along with each chapter. i'm lovin my new bible btw. i plan to read Ephesians again and maybe find a good bible study for Ephesians. i also had some prayer time and i feel refreshed today (even with just 5 hours of sleep). its good to read God's Word, it's good to study and to try to get to know Him better. i also have some memory verses that i've been working on for a long time that i reviewed and i think i'm ready to add another one or two. i think this will be my newest verse to memorize:

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. - II Peter 1:5-8

for some reason that verse stood out to me about a week or two ago when i was doing some reading. i'll memorize those verses first, then the ones that proceed it that say: His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. it may seem backwards to do it that way but that's the way i'm goin for now. some other verses i'd like to add are: Gal 5:16-17, 24-25, II Tim 2:15, (i actually started that one awhile back, but somehow it got lost in the shuffle).

Here's a list of what i've memorized so far:
Proverbs 1:7
Psalms 51:10
2 Corinthians 5:17
Galatians 2:20
Romans 12:1,2
Colossians 3:1-3
Galatians 5:22-23
Joshua 1:8
Proverbs 15:1
1 Corinthians 6:12
Proverbs 25:28

i chose these verses becuz i felt like they would be the kind of verses i needed to keep in mind to be serious about my walk. i say i chose them, but i do feel like it was more like i was lead to choose them.

i have a notebook/journal i use sometimes and i created flash cards in Ms Word, then printed them, cut them out and pasted them into the journal. this way when i'm on the train i can go over them and easily find them if i'm having trouble with a verse. here's an example of what the flash cards look like:


i got the idea of the format of the card from the Topical Memory System. of course i can't find where i got the idea for the formatting of the card, but there is online version here that i just found hehe.

this walk is a process, but when i have days like yesterday, then talk to my wife or (anyone who wants to listen hehe) about what i've learned or what stood out to me, its nice to feel like you've grown a little closer to the Lord.

wouldn't you know that by the time i got home yesterday i was starting to get into a bad mood, and i know where that came from. something really small set me off and i started to get angrier and angrier in my spirit, but i realized why or should i say who was really behind it and i apologized and moved on. it was good to do that, cuz i didn't let that take away from the time i spent with the Lord earlier that day.

what a relief!!

this ryhme came to mind when i put up the previous post. i'll put the song in the radioblog.

Ahh, what a relief it is to be in Jesus
I fooled you with the FUBU and baggies without the creases
My chief is Jesus
got's to know him is my thesis
Without Jesus even Reeses can't know what peace is
Seek us and you'll see us
truth seekers
Youth reachers· paired up like two sneakers
True preachers, louder than 22 speakers
If you peep us, you get nothin' new JESUS!
You know we live among tough guys
who say they rough ride
But I've seen them meet Elohim and no more tough side
And so we're caught· you know the Savior's got our jaw stuck
We're awe struck
cause life's no longer a toss up
And though its got a lot of trouble in it
In comparison it pales like a bucket with a shovel in it
Cause one day we'll be the eternal residents
With the universal President
for Whom we represent

-Ambassador - Cypha the Next Day, House of Representatives


The Cross Movement Cypha The Next Day Lyrics

Now Means Now! or (aahh...what a relief it is to be in Jesus!)

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Romans 8:1

Now (adverb): at the present time; at once (Webster)

I've been thinking about the difference between conviction and condemnation. When the Holy Spirit convicts me of something that I have done wrong, the thoughts will be something like this: “I really blew that! I was wrong. I should have thought before I said that. That was certainly not a Christ-like thing to do! I’ll go over the first thing tomorrow and make an apology. I am so thankful that He has promised to complete what He started. He still has a lot of work to do on me—that’s for sure!” In conviction there is hope—hope for changing fleshly patterns because of the power of Christ in me—hope for righting wrongs—hope for overcoming.

On the other hand, thoughts of condemnation will attack me—myself—not just my performance. For example, “I am such a loser. I do everything wrong. I should not be teaching or witnessing. What a sorry Christian I’ve turned out to be. I can’t do anything right.” There’s no hope in those accusations—just condemnation. Those words condemn me because of my poor performance and give birth to guilt, depression, disappointment, hopelessness, and a lot of other destructive thoughts.

The Holy Spirit isolates—brings to mind—the sinful act. Satan, however, makes broad, all-inclusive accusations against my person/character/integrity. God will never condemn me. Why? Because He knows me—my new heart, my desire to please Him, my love for Him—and He doesn’t expect me to perform perfectly. That’s His program—conforming me to the image of His Son. “Conforming” means there’s work to be done—changing myperformance, the things I do—not my identity. There is, therefore, NOW no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

taken from www.lifetime.org

chosen before the creation of the world

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. - Ephesians 1:11-12


i've started reading Ephesians and when I came across this verse my first thought was what was it that brought Paul to this conclusion. duh...the Holy Spirit. next question. according to Eph 1:4 and 5, we were chosen before the creation of the world - For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will. so in light of this scripture, how does that work with these verses:
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son".

now i know this has been discussed many many times by other people but it just makes me wonder how the two work together. if we were predestined to believe, where does our free will come into play? the will God gives us to make our own choices. maybe it is God's desire for all men to come to him and thus all were predestined in that way, but still had the ability to choose to follow God or not to follow. so maybe "the door" is always open, we just have to choose to go through it.

some would argue that pharaoh and judas were predestined to make the choices they made. cuz the bible says that Judas' betryal of Jesus was to fullfill scripture. so he was predestined to betray Him and if you look at John 31:18 Jesus says that he knows those he has chosen. in terms of the pharaoh and his choices, i feel that he had opportunity to do the right thing and let the Isrealites go, but he chose not. when the pharaoh saw that his magicians could use their arts to do similar things as moses, his heart became hardened - But the Egyptian magicians did the same things by their secret arts, and Pharaoh's heart became hard; he would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the LORD had said. Instead, he turned and went into his palace, and did not take even this to heart. - Exodus 7:22-23. when i see this, i think he could've chosen to let them go, but he didn't. God knew that that's what would happen and then he hardened pharaoh's heart. this causes me to think that romans 1:18-21 can be applied to pharaoh - The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. also, if we read the rest of the chapter we see that God will give people over to their sinful desires. so in this way, i think that it may not have been that God just hardened pharoah's heart but that He knew that pharoah would be stubborn and refuse to believe in moses' God and he gave pharaoh over to his own selfishness and stubborness.

i think i've kinda gone on a small tagent, but anyway, i just found that the predestination subject was interesting. i've heard bits and pieces of different arguments regarding predesitination and have always wanted to avoid getting involved, and i still do, lol, but i can see why it would be a hot topic.

real talk again

continuing with what i was saying in my previous post regarding real talk:
i have a friend who i met recently (kim) and when we get to talkin about the spiritual life it can turn into an hour long conversation easily. it's usually a conversation that starts out with "how are things going?" and it takes off from there. we talk about the challenges that we face and things we've read in the Bible that we could apply to those situations. we encourage each other in the walk. we challenge each other to stay true to The Faith. we admit that we're weak, we admit that we don't know it all and that we have questions, that we sometimes dobut, we admit that we need God. it's so uplifting. it's good for me cuz i find that scripture comes to mind when we talk that speaks to whatever the topic may be at the moment and sometimes we cover alot of topics in one convo. it helps me to see that keeping God's Word in your heart DOES work. it helps. plain and simple, it helps.
here are some lyrics from a song by Da T.R.U.T.H.'s song from his album the faith:

Two is better than one- you know that three is a cord
Let's get together and rally around the things of the Lord
Monday, Tuesday- after leaving the doors
Of the church house- when church is out we got a reason to form
A gathering- rather than shooting a breeze at the shore
Our pattern should be gathering to put our knees to the floor
Wednesday, Thursday- this is our season to forfeit
Some of our leisure time just to see Him perform
The wonderful works of our God got to be seated before
Him- I'm talking about community life where we can be strong
That's where we build each other up- because we in a war
And we're scooping the younger saints- just to see them mature
The discipline of discipleship should not be seen as a chore
Even though we (are) seeing them yawn, they seem to be bored
We've been interdependent beings, since seeds to be born
And isolation is not something that we can afford- we need each other

Before we're found in a hearse- you know we can't be bound to the earth
Now, I know this is kind of home- so I'm sounding berserk
But what I mean is if we're balanced- just as round as the earth
That we can have some casual talk but expound on His worth
Friday- Yahweh gives the power to shirk
The temptation of being idle after hours of work
In the library, my prayer is that we browse through and search
For our spiritual brothers and sisters- blouses and shirts
New friends, new family- gather around the church
Break bread, drink juice or wine and dine as a certain
Way to symbolize our bond as a body- our first
Priority is to love God and out of it's birthed
An affection for one another- we're to challenge and spur
Each other on to love and good deeds- admonishments, hurts
Now cut the superficial talk- let's get down to the dirt
And really help each other change- like what's down in your purse

...And family life is the only way that believers consist
'Cause we can sharpen one another read Ephesians the fifth
Chapter let's sit after service just to sing and uplift
we need each other

real talk

there's a song on my little radioblog to the right called fragile leaves. the hook from the song says:

"leaves fall, we know the autumn well,(so let the wind blow) we all try showing all is well, (so let the wind blow) life's not as solid as it seems, (so let the wind blow) its as fragile as the dried up autumn leaves (so let the wind blow)".

that is so true. i think people in general try to always put on a good face when internally there is some kind of struggle going on. i think christians do this alot. that's been my experience in talking to others, and on blogs i've read and other sites i've visited, i've rarely seen or heard "real talk". meaning it seems like they have it together and don't stumble in their walk, mabe they do have it all locked up. its not often that you see someone come right out and say, "i'm strugglin" or admit "this christian life is tough for me". well i'm here to say i struggle. i struggle with obedience, with staying on the narrow road. i often find myself riding the fence. i feel like i live romans 7: 14-21, it is very frustrating. but i do try to persevere.

the last stanza of that song goes:

"those of y'all that think i have it all together, evidently don't really know mr. metah, so letta fella tell you 'bout himself for a second. check for the message's relevant elements.

well, i've been a sinner since the beginning and ever since and in every sense of the word peddlin for return to lay bare flaws, (couldn't catch the next line) develop and learn, i don't wanna cover up the lawn with fall leaves of lies
tryin to disguise the life i lead behind closed blinds, i'd rather keep the lines of communication floatin'

with hopes of my people holdin' their eyes open to scope at the fragile arrangement of actions taken cuz i still have bad days were i accidently swerved off the path of greatness and need accountability to face it.

hopefully i'll come across more people who engage in "real talk". cuz it's needed, sometimes as a christian you feel all alone in the struggle, even when you're surrounded by other christians.

so much music, so little money

i love music!!!! but i for awhile i was starting to become really dissatisfied with the secular muic that is playing on radio stations, especially on urban stations. i grew up listening to pop, rap and r&b, but i have a large range of tastes. i really liked rap for awhile, but by the time i was old enough to start buying my own music, there was too much swearing in rap for my taste, even when i wasn't walking down the right path. i listen to everything from pink floyd to petra, mary j blige, even some linkin park and beastie boys, smoove jazz and classical.

anyway my love for rap music came back, but in the form of christian rap. i like listening to Christ-centered rap, not just positive rap. back in the summer of 2004 a friend of mine turned me on to the cross movement and i've been hooked ever since. i barely even listen to the radio now. i check in once in awhile to see if anything new is out, but i don't last too long, too much that glorifies living a life that would not be pleasing to God. i've searched and found other christian rappers out there with alot of talent but more importantly they talk about Christ and not the usual garbage that's being played on the radio now. it turns out there's a whole "underground" movement and there are plenty of artists out there doing they're thing for Christ. for me, it's encouraging and its just uplifting to know there's music out there i can listen to that doesn't promote the usual things of this world. now there's a new website, 3Hmp3.com that sells individual mp3s as well as full albums!! and i've seen so much on this site that i wanna purchase. i know my money situation will be better soon, so i can hardly wait to start buying more and more music! my goal is to change my current music collection to a music collection full of music that glorifies God.

new read

lessons from life by godzheart has just been added to my daily reads. sometimes i wonder if godzheart is a professional writer.
i've been encouraged by what i've read, so if anyone ever happens to stop by my site, here' a site i'd recommend stopping by too.

Freedom: How Sweet It Is!

another encougaging article i found surfing. very encouraging and i'm totally feelin and identifying with some of what the author wrote, i hope to experience that freedom some day:


People who write books usually have a motive or they give up before the last page is edited. Well, I had motivation. I had hidden behind my self-hung curtains for years and watched everyone else "outside playing tag"--or shopping or planning a party or having lunch together. I didn't want to go outside and play or have lunch with anyone! I was "down," I was depressed, I didn't feel like they would want me to be a part of their fun, I didn't feel like they liked me and I certainly didn't like "me!"

But something amazing happened. I was brought from the depths of despair to peace, I came from hating myself so much that I wanted to do away with "me," to seeing myself as cherished and loved beyond my wildest dreams. It was a forty-year painful pilgrimage to freedom but I made it, and this freedom is what I write about and I know something now--unequivocally--there is freedom for you, too.

Rill Erosion

Do you know what rill erosion is? It begins with just a tiny trickle of water, but it trickles down the same hill in the same place month after month and year after year until finally you have a deep gully made by a little trickle. It's entirely possible that the route of a river might be changed by that same tiny trickle. That's exactly what happens with your behavior.

Let's say that you had a younger sister and the fur flew fiercely (say that ten times real fast!) when you were together. But you learned that you could get your way and control her if you got real angry and yelled at her, and if she didn't capitulate, you just might throw a thing or two. The first time you tried that technique it was a little scary (What if she goes and tells Mother?), but it worked. So the next time she irritated you the same behavior came out and it worked again. There's the trickle.

The years have come and gone. Your little sis isn't around any longer, but chances are you're using the same technique now on your spouse when you are irritated--yelling and throwing pots and pans and hateful words around. It began as a trickle, but through constant use, it has made a deep groove in your behavior. So when you're exasperated and your emotions zoom up to a ten, you open the vent and let out all of the steam. The little rill created a river. A simple pattern created a stronghold.

Your sis? Maybe she carries a bundle of hostility around inside all the time, never having a face-to-face confrontation, but kicking tables and chairs and slamming doors. Why? She could never best you and so she locked the hostile feelings inside and would knock over your bike when you weren't looking. And the rill created a river.

Emotional Archaeology

Your mind, your will, and your emotions have deep crevices where you never stopped the trickle, and those behavioral patterns that were formed are evident to those closest to us--especially our mates. These crevices are your strongholds.

Lillian cornered me and told me how it had happened with her. She was #2 in a bevy of children and #1 was Miss Wonderful. The first child received all of the glory--scholastic achievements and popularity prizes through junior high, high school, and college. Lillian said she didn't feel envy or hostility, but resigned herself to being a nobody and lived in her sister's giant shadow.

Then, Lillian went to college--and the giant shadow didn't go with her. Suddenly realized that she was a "somebody." She went wild with power and expressing her opinions and living her life the way she wanted to live it--aggressive, opinionated, domineering, controlling, and loving every minute of it! Another rill and another river!

The thing I want us to put our finger on--to understand--is that such behavior no longer needs to control us. And Lil would say instantly, "Oh, it doesn't, Anabel. I'm a big girl now." I'm not talking about maturity and learning to control yourself because you're a big girl now and have abandoned your little girl ways. I'm talking about a totally new you--a new identity!

God's Provision for Dysfunctional People

What you must understand is that you have a choice. You can explain your behavior, excuse your behavior, or blame your behavior on your dad and mom. Or you can opt for God's provision for dysfunctional people and dysfunctional homes and accept the truth that you are someone brand new and different because of who you are in Christ.

Does that mean...

* That you'll never be bothered by those negative thoughts again?
* That you can look in the mirror and not be repulsed at your image?
* That you'll be able to confront people when you need to instead of being a silent, mousy non-entity?
* That your temper tantrums are over?
* That your need to be in control will vanish?
* That those strongholds you built through the years will be gone tomorrow?

No. But when you recognize (to be aware of) and realize (to understand fully) that these negative conceptions are merely patterns and not who you really are, then you will be free to be a "new creature"--a "new creation"--and to act like who you are! Remember--your identity changed the moment you came to Jesus!

So we lay the foundation on truth: II Corinthians 5:17: " Therefore if any man/woman is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come."

Old things? These are the rills that formed the rivers of strongholds in our lives, fleshly patterning of thought, emotion, and behavior that we substitute for the sufficiency of our Heavenly Father. They are the behaviors evidenced in the way you think about yourself. The way you meet stress. The way you meet people. The way you feel toward the opposite sex. The mental habits of letting your mind dwell on thoughts of fear, loneliness, apprehension, and revulsion that have controlled you. Those are the old things--the old ways--the patterns that you developed through your formative years in your personal environment.

New things? Realizing (fully understanding) who you are in Christ. Letting Christ meet the stress-filled days for you. Seeing people as He sees them. Giving Him full control of you (this is the hardest one). Walking in the knowledge that (1) you are loved and (2) that you are a lovely new creation. New ways! And they become yours as you accept them and begin--cautiously at first--to walk in them. Yes, these are rivers too, but they are rivers of life!

You have been set free from the bondage of your strongholds. How? "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free!" You have just "read" truth, so live like the free person you are in Christ by faith, and give Him the glory for your freedom!

source - www.lifetime.org

another good post....

from lessons from life.

soo...tired

i'm tired today. didn't get to bed until after 1 am. although i did take about a 2 hour nap when i put the baby down for sleep last nite, the problem was it was about 10 o'clock and my wife woke me up at 12 am, cuz i was still dressed and the baby needed to be put in his crib. my poor little man is not feeling good, has some kind of bug. he threw up (projectile) monday night, then threw up again a little later while i was cleaning up the first spill. he was vommitting quite a bit again yesterday and my wife says today he's got diarrhea pretty bad. she hasn't been feeling too hot either, for the past two weeks. she's got two teeth that need to come out, i was calling her the godfather last week cuz her face was swollen pretty bad. she's in alot of pain and has been taking some pain medication that knocks her out, the pain also makes her wanna sleep. as a result of the two of them not feeling good i haven't been going to the gym. ugh. part of me hasn't been in the mood, but thats mostly due to the fact that my wife had an exam last week and when ever a big exam comes up she needs to study for a few days with her study group and they work on preparing till late night. dad needs to stay home with the baby and when she does get home it's usually pretty late and i'd end up leaving the gym at midnite, i'd stay up till 1 am, then have to be up by 6 am at the latest. and that is not condusive to growth. i need the rest along with the gym time to get stronger and bigger. i've done it before, staying in the gym till midnite, but it catches up with me, and could eventually lead to injury.

speaking of which, i pulled something playing bball last saturday, i think it's a very high calf strain. but its hard to tell cuz the pull is so deep, i can't even feel it on the outside by pressing on the area. it's behind my right knee and if i stand on my toes i can kinda feel it. i felt a little something when i went up for a layup during a game, but of course, me being me i played through it. it wasn't very painful and there hasn't been alot of pain since, more soreness than anything. i may not play this saturday to give it another week of rest. but that slows me down in the gym, cuz i can't do calf work, or at least i'm leary of it right now and calves are a stubborn area for me, although they've improved greatly. so i'm kinda bummin about not being in the gym more consistently right now, but hopefully that'll change soon. i was hoping march would be a good month for making some gains, but such is life. it'll be nice when the wife and baby are feeling better. i can't get myself to leave them to go workout. i could go, but its a long day for mom when she's not feeling well and the baby isn't and she's dealing with him by herself most of the day. so i come in to relieve the best i can. but like i said, hopefully they'll start feeling better soon. my sister is supposed to be coming up to visit the 1st week of april, i'd like to be in real good shape since we've talked about my workout goals. i'm not worried and of course you can only do so much in two weeks, just don't wanna talk a big game and not back it up. but considering she hasn't seen me in over a year, she should see a difference between now and then. ok, i'm rambling. enough for now.