Friday, December 22, 2006

the sin problem

well, a few hours since my last post i came across two posts that we're actually encouraging because of the writer's transparency. first jenn wrote about the mortification of sin, and to me at least, it touched on some of what i was expressing in my previous post. then larosa posted a devotion about this incredible walk we're on.

jenn posted this over at hcr and one of the forum members responded with lyrics from a song that means alot to him. his hcr name is Conviction Music and you can check out his myspace page, he has an album in the works.

these lyrics also really say some things that are in my heart and express the frustration i feel at times:

You know the feeling when you tired and you stressed out/
you need to pray but your too prideful to just bow so you lie with ya chest out/
frontin like your fine, but in ya mind ya stretched out/
ya put you faith face on but deep in side ya fresh out/
Ya tell ya self, i cant believe that im faking/
but im scared they gone judge me if they see that im aching, see that im facing/
troubles thats gone lead to disgrace then, i'll be humbled once they see that im caged in/
im weak and ive straight sinned, my problems got me thinking i cant win/
now im going off on family, man, i mean it my faiths dim/
im 'pose to be a Christian full of love and not the flesh, but i confess this
weight is to heavy for me to squat or press/
i gotta rest, before this ungodliness topples me, sometimes i think/
that God is gotta be tired of watching me/
when most the time im leading cats to his face, this time its me that needs your love, im coming back to your grace/


hopefully i'll be in a better place soon. it's hard to explain, cuz as down as i feel at times i have confidence in God and that He's still shaping and molding me. i had more thoughts i wanted to write but they've left me for now. i'll be back later.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

this battle

i get so tired of fighting this fight some times. sometimes it feels like it's all-consuming, like it's always there in the back of my mind. i'd appreciate it if more christans were real about that side of being a christian. talk about how it can feel like a weight at times, it's not always easy to trust. call it crazy or what ever but it's a reality.

at the same time my faith kicks in and says to trust Him cuz He's in control. but i wanna be in control. i wanna decide what way my life goes. lol...ironic right? my last post was about God's providence and this one is saying "i wanna drive!" but that's real, at least for me it is. i ride the fence sometimes and know it. i hate it when i do it, and probably while i'm ridin' it, it comes to mind. that's real y'all. real talk. i get tired, i dunno about anyone else. the thing is, i want to know what it is to rest in Him. i do rest in Him and then i pull right back.

the battle.
sometimes it's like i'm just in the mode where i'm thirsting to know more about God. about this mystery and sure enough here comes all kinds of distractions to lead you the total opposite direction. then i'll hear a song that makes me say i want that, i want to be that in love with God, and of course here comes the opposition. i feel it in my bones. it wears on me sometimes.

i fall short in so many areas. that's a hard reflection to look at. i've been reading alot. alot of debates about this doctrine and that doctrine. things i just never put any thought into before. it's alot to take in, and trying to navigate your way through can be a stumbling block. i think that's an appropriate use of that saying.

i still feel like i'm on the outside looking in. but deep in my heart i feel like there's a chance i'm on the right road. that there's hope. other tims i feel confident in that hope and it's more than just a chance.

that's how serious it is for me, it literally feels like a matter of life and death. it feels like i feel the weight of life and death and the importance of making the right decision. kinda like that new taye diggs series on abc called day break, except i don't get to start the same day over and over and make different choices. there's more going on then what it seems alot of people are aware of. any one feel me on that? cuz for real...there has to be more.

i started reading my bible on the regular starting with the book of Ruth. i'm in I Kings now and Solomon has started sacrificing to other gods. why man???? but who's to say i wouldn't have done the same thing right? but i digress. so seeing the beginning of his end and seeing how David fell before him and Saul before him, i'm eager to see what Solomon has to say in Ecclesiastes.

i'm seeing trends in how God reaches out to us and how we respond. what is that? what is it that's in us that makes us want to rebel? i know about sin, believe me i know about sin. but why is it there? i have other questions and/or thoughts on sin but that's for another post.

sorry if this post was too all over the place for anyone but i felt the need to be really real tonight. it's a hard walk and i get the feeling that more of us don't actually say it. some of us know the right things to say but aren't always living the way we talk. please don't get me wrong. i've said it before and i'll say it again, my desire is to know God, to love God with all my heart and soul. i think God is amazing. i don't think there's anyway any one person or groups of people could make up a story like this that would impact the world. the story being how God sent His son to die for us. when one considers the impact of the bible on the world!! and it's message? c'mon. i could go on, He is literally everywhere. so i know He's real. i'm just trying to think things through i guess.

alright, i've run out of words, plus i have to get to bed, gotta be up in 5 hours and i'm not really prepared. g'nite.

Friday, December 15, 2006

providence

this is life is a trip. sometimes things line up in such a way that you can't help feel like it's too much of a coincidence and somehow you know it's not.

it's been awhile since i posted and alot has happened. we've had a few guys leave on the desktop team here at work. a friend of mine was one and i wasn't happy to see him go. he's a good guy, he seems to have a heart that desires to know God. he listens to gospel and opened my ears up to some artist and we just got along. it was good to have someone around to talk about God with. about a week after he left, another friend of mine left. he's a christian also and i didn't find that out until about a month before he left. he likes christian rap and was surprised to find out i did and had quite a bit of music. i made a mix cd for him to check out some artists he hadn't heard of. he surprised me by letting me know he wanted to stay in contact outside of work and appreciated the conversations we had, especially since they were about Christ and living the christian life. to my surprise again, i got an email from him saying wassup, but i was so busy at work i couldn't make time to respond so i'll get back to him on monday. so we're down a few guys at work, and actually a third guy left the same day as my first friend. my two friends who left were both young christian men in different stages of their walk, but it was good to have them as co-workers which is rare.

so check it, now we're down three guys overall and we need two at my site. we need four guys to support my site and we need two asap. (be patient, i'm building it up.) we're told that two guys have been hired and will be starting soon. only one guy shows up and we get introduced. he's a very large man, about six three and in the two hundred plus range. when we walked into a dept to work on a computer, he was behind me and i walked up to the person saying "uh huh, say it now!" "now what?!?" just being silly cuz he's so big!! anyway back in our office we get to talkin and i find out he's about 10yrs older than me and has quite a bit of experience in the field. at some point he says that he's not sure why the Lord brought him here but he'll find out. the conversation continues and he says something about the Lord again. so ee head out to look at a computer in the dept i mentioned earlier and it happens to be a girl that i've mentioned on the blog before. she's grown so much in her walk with the Lord since we've met!! turns out they know each other! she recognized him and knew what city he was from and they realized they knew each other from church!! she knows his wife and they have other friends in common. she tells him how we (me and her) know each other and things take off from there. later i tell him that i feel like God sent him here for me, or at least thats part of it. lol. he teaches sunday school and is in the praise group at his church. he knows a woman who baby sat my son and may know my sister cuz she went to that church for awhile. he lives in the town i just moved from which is about 15 mins away and to top it off...he's into hhh!! what?!?! he knows some local artists cuz they've performed at his church and his wife has sang on a couple of their tracks. the artist is Disciple who's from boston and recently performed at a church i used to attend. isn't that crazy!?? he even had cd's on him for me to check out!! i'm gonna make a mix cd for his 10yr son cuz someone at a private christian school, lol, introduced him to a song by a secular artist named akon. his lyrics are not for 10yr olds and not for 10yr old christian boys. we discussed it and he's down with it. he uses the topical memory system for memorizing scripture, which is the same method i use, he just puts them on buisness cards. i just think it's amazing that a third christian has come to work here at my site and he seems to be a very solid brother for Christ. he studies the Word, looks up the original meaning of words to get a better understanding, which is something i've been doing also. it's exciting and has lifted me up already, and we've already had discussions about scripture and life experiences. God is good and i feel so undeserving of His blessings sometimes, know what i mean? but i'm glad and i'm hoping alot of iron sharpening iron will be going on.

i finally got shai linne's solus christus project!! it's a great cd and i love it. i've heard a few of the songs on hcr radio and on the internet so it's wasn't like a brand new cd but i love how it flows from one song to the next. the concepts were well put together and you could feel his heart on just about every song it seems. really for me, there's not one song i'd skip. dark night of the soul, my portion, mic check 1.2 with phanatik and stephen the levite and random thoughts are the songs that get played alot right now, angelz ft. evangel and tim brindle are also hot pieces. the best thing was i got the cd in a week!! i was thinking two maybe three weeks, especially since pay pal originally had the wrong mailing address for me and i had to send an email to lampmode to let them know. so my next pick up is gonna be the great awakening by timothy brindle. i've heard good things about that cd and i like timothy brindle alot so i'm sure i'll be fed by it and enjoy it. next on the list; to die is gain by stephen the levite and after the music stops by lecrae. i'm not sure which i'll get first. recently i've also picked up; living proof by zee, genocide by the yunion, in the meantime by bmorr and a few free singles here and there. i'm feeling all of the cd's i mentioned. bmorr surprised me, i really like his flow and topics. some songs that stand out for me are at the gates, self worship and life goes on. on zee's album heaven ain't got no ghetoo is a great song, and i can't remember the other titles from that cd cuz it's been awhile since i listened to it. the yunion cd is full of tight songs, great production and gritty beats and the skits were funny. ok, i think i'll call it a night, at least for blogging. check out my radio blog, dark night of the soul and my portion are up there, give them a listen.