A Work in Progress...

green with envy

2008-06-27T06:40:00.000-07:00

something that has been on my mind for weeks now is the fact that i'm jealous of other people who have solid relationships with God. i can only really go on what i see or what they write, so i don't really know their hearts, but i'm jealous. my walk with Him is so shaky...

"I'm not crazy, my light hasn't been bright but hazy
Dimmed by desires within and fulfillment of my flesh
at best, let's just call it sin" *

i've been steadily getting more and more frustrated lately. i've just been feeling really weak, "i'm sick of resisting and tired of fighting". **

maybe its all the music that i listen to that express their love for Him, maybe it's some of the devotions i read, or it could be the conviction in my heart that i could be doing better in my efforts...

that is all for now, just wanted to get that off my chest.

* L.L.R.P (Life, Liberty, Righteousness, and the Puruist thereof) - Crossmovement - Holy Culture

** The Temptation -Timothy Brindle - Killing Sin

Father's Day

2008-06-16T07:59:00.000-07:00

my father's day was pretty quiet. it was me and the boys all day, margaret slept pretty much until she had to go to work. she was up most of the early morning hours with the baby so she needed to get as much sleep as possible before working her 3-11 shift. when i say the day was quiet, i mean in terms of "father's day" activity. it was just a father spending the day taking care of his two sons. it actually went pretty well. my 3 yr old was pretty good at listening, (as can be expected from a 3 yr old) and the baby was, well, a baby. lots of feeding, changing diapers, more feeding, more diapers and little naps here and there. of course i was pretty spent by the end of the day. being caregiver and entertainer for two kids for an entire day can wear you out!

i'm so grateful for my children and still have a hard time believing i have kids. when i found out that we were having our first i was determined to be very involved in his daily life and i think i've done a good job so far. when our second child came into the picture i was a little worried i wasn't going to be able to give him the same quality time the first one received. well, that hasn't been the case and i'm grateful, tired too, but grateful. as they get older i hope to keep that mentality and will be as determined to be involved in their activities. it's been an adjustment not being able to go the gym whenever i want to or play basketball as much, but it's worth it. they've helped me to look at myself and to temper my selfishness, so i'm not thinking about "me" first as much as i used to. it wasn't a bad thing before (the selfishness), cuz they weren't here, i'm just glad i have the heart to lose out on those "me" things and not let it frustrate me too much. i still have areas to work on, but who doesn't. the best thing right now is that my 3 yr old comes running to me full speed when i either pick him up from the babysitter's or when i come home. and the baby gives me a smile and watches my every move when i come home until i come and scoop him up. they're my pride and joy and more and more i don't know where i'd be or what my life would be like without them.

feeling blah

2008-05-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

i've been putting on some unwanted weight and now it's getting to be really uncomfortable. i can't wait to be able to get in the gym on a regular basis. i had too much food this weekend. i mean, i really went over board. sometimes i feel like i'm putting this weight on and can't do anything about it. my motivation has been pretty low as a result. i think aaron is getting to be on a regular schedule now that will allow me to slip out when everyone is asleep and go to the gym.

i will say that even though i got NOTHING done in the apt, it was a good four days off. i took today off to play some basketball and take aaron to get his 4 month shots. didn't get to play ball since the gym was closed but the long weekend was a good time spent with my family. aaron is 21 lbs, 28 inches long!! i'm blessed to have children and was looking forward to being around them for longer than the average week day. it would have been really nice to have gotten some stuff done around the apt. it is a mess from top to bottom. we'll get it worked out soon though, we can't keep this up. anyway, just felt like putting down some thoughts.

jr. is next door and i need to go and scoop him up for a shower and bed time. he's usually in bed by now, but because of the extra long weekend we've been a little more slack with bed time. he should go out like a light once we get him in bed.

i've fallen

2008-05-21T07:57:00.001-07:00

this pretty much captions how i've been feeling for a little bit. i've been doing some reading on obedience and this morning i did some reading on repentance. the word repent intrigues me when i read it. i know the meaning and i've looked it up, but sometimes the definitions seem to lack what's being expressed when i read the word repent in a sentence or passage of scripture. alot of the definitions for repent i see look like this: "To feel pain on account of; to remember with sorrow."
to me, that doesn't complete the definition of what it means to repent or to be repentant. a definition that makes more sense to me is : "To change the mind, or the course of conduct, on account of regret or dissatisfaction.", also "To be sorry for sin as morally evil, and to seek forgiveness; to cease to love and practice sin." in my search for a definition of repent i found this and found it to be very helpful.

i'm trying to "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and run with perseverance the race marked out for us." (Hebrews 12:1) or i'd like to anyway.

something for me has to change. i'm up early enough in the mornings that i think i could take some time and start my day be reading my bible and praying. it's something that has been on my mind off and on. alot of times i don't start my day off (insert slang) on the good foot(end slang). in my devotional reading this morning, psalm 119: 9-16 was a part of the reading. verse 11 was the "title verse". "Your Word I have hidden in my heart." you know, two weeks ago i started reviewing my old memory verses and had a plan to start "spiritually exercising", going over the verses i'd already memorized, each day and after a week or so, adding a new verse to the list. i did good for the first week, got sick over the weekend and was just hit with all kinds of tempation and fell to it. and of course, i stopped exercising. i'm going to try again. i know i need to have the Word hidden in my heart and that it is my spiritual armor. pray for me as i try to embark on this mission again. i'm in bad spiritual shape and need to be *"lifting spiritual weights and pumping up faith. In prayer do sets, in church do reps to build righteous massive biceps and pecs". - *(taken from "shock" on crossmovment's heaven's mentality)

quick update

2008-05-20T06:52:00.000-07:00

well well well. it's been awhile (again). the baby is doing well, growing very fast and he is a big boy. he's been sleeping longer at night which is good. my three year old has been going through the terrible three's. it has been quite the challenge to me and mom, especially mom. she's been home more with him and he's really not listening to her alot. the one thing that has been great about his behaviour is that he loves his little brother and always wants to be in his face, kissing him and playing with him. his little brother watches his every move now and smiles anytime big bro is around. jr. has shown very little jealousy which has been great.

my wife will be starting a new job in june and hopefully things will be a little less crazy. it'll be good for her to get out of the house. i've just started getting more sleep, although i've been sick off and on the past 2 months. the gym has been non-existent, which i'm kinda of starting to accept. i'm still hoping that the baby will be sleeping more soon and i'll be able to get back. i'm still in decent shape, but no way near the shape i'm used to being in.

spiritually, i'm in a bad place right now. tired from the fight. still hanging in, "hold on, cuz our God is a warrior", that's a quote from Hold on from Flame's latest "Our World Redeemed". so yeah, i'm just not happy with how i'm responding to temptations and the relentlessness of them. i tried connecting with some brothers a few months back to see if we could be accountable to each other, maybe build through the Word via email, but it hasn't been working out. i'm pretty frustrated and disappointed with that. i'm hoping that'll work out and that's it just a matter of time right now. both of these brothers are pretty busy, one with being a Dr. doing family practice and the other just finished computer science classes. then there's me with a newborn, so its been tough to get it together. please pray for me, i'm still struggling with my prayer life. i still need to pray tons more. don't know what's wrong with me.

still not sure how i feel about this, but here are a couple of pics of my boys. what a blessing, and i'm learning lessons ever yday it seems by having them in my life.

aaron

andrew

whew!!

2008-02-12T17:27:00.000-08:00

we're exhausted. the baby is a pretty good sleeper, but has his fussy moments of course. my wife is taking care of him while i'm at work. it's especially tough because his brother who is a very active, soon to be 3yr old it's been rough on her, so i've been helping as best as i can by taking the night shift so she can sleep. i think i'm averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night. but we're keeping our sense of humor, so that helps. our 3yr old is very challenging at times. he is always in go mode. he has an amazing amount of energy!

i've been in a not so safe space lately. i've been finding all kinds of great music!! paypal....ahhh...so easy. click here, click there, next thing you know i've got a new album on my mp3 player!! the average price for the albums are $10. too easy!! i'm amped about these albums, they've been edifying for me.

if you know a christian or anyone who is listening to secular hip hop, put them on to some of these artists. i have a friend who i think this kind of music could benefit. my hope is that it could cause him to possibly examine himself. i've been thinking of making a mix cd for him. he has about an hour plus ride to and from work and i could hook him up. the funny thing is he's the one who played the cross movement's holy culture cd for me. i think that was back in '03. i've been hooked since and this music was a breath of fresh air. it also caused me to re-examine where i was in my walk and to reflect on how serious i was taking it. of course the music is a supplement. God's word is the meal. for me, His word was in me from how my parents raised me, from getting saved at a young age and from being a bible quizzer for 4 yrs (i'll admit it was mostly about winning the quiz meets back then). hearing it in rap form was the gravy. so, anyway here's a few of the artists, keep my friend in prayer.

the novelist - spoken word
hansoul - Jesus Saves
cehah - color outside the lines
phanatik - crime and consequences
the yuinon genocide; the sequal-
lesun - the kiss album; keep it short and simple

i'm waiting on shai linne's "the atonement" and redeemed thought's "truth, beauty, goodness" also. i found a few free mixtapes too, mostly through myspace. maybe if i get the time/and or energy, i'll post some links one day.

i also got mercyme's all "all that is within me" and "coming up to breath". very nice cds, i really like coming up to breath, i've had that for awhile, all that is within me is a more recent purchase. i love their music. i'm pretty sure adrianne archie's cd, "he that hath an ear, let him hear" will be my next pickup. it came out in '06, but is very good. another Christ glorifying cd.

ok, the newest member is waking up for his next feed. gotta run

Sin

2008-02-12T07:48:00.000-08:00

Shot Clock

2008-02-10T11:18:00.000-08:00

Brand New Day (Shot Clock), added to radioblog, lyrics in previous post.

Brand New Day

2008-02-07T12:47:00.000-08:00

awhile back i had talked about meeting with my pastor on a regular basis because i was looking to have a deeper relationship with the Lord. well my pastor recently discovered that he has some serious heart issues that needed to be taken care of so i'm not sure when/if we'll be getting together at that level. he has had to slow down some of his activity for now.

we finished up on our group bible study, the Sacred Romance series and we've started a new study. i'm not quite sure what this study is about, although i've seen what one of the group leaders had in mind. i haven't made it to the study, due to the new baby and all the changes that it's brought.

our church as whole, well some of us, have started on reading the bible in a year. a few different plans have been handed out and me and the wife are doing the same one. the reading was going well, right up till we had the baby. it was cool, cuz me and my wife would at random times talk about the reading we'd done and things we were surprised at or noticed for the first time or things we just didn't know. i was behind in my reading and she was possibly ahead, but we both have some catching up to do now.

the bible reading was really bring up alot of questions for me. time is limiting me to get into an example of the questions right now, hopefully i'll be able to post some of my thoughts. the reading format is about a chapter from the old testament starting in genesis a chapter from the new testament starting in matthew. then we read a few verses from the psalms and proverbs. i really like the format. man...the old testament is a trip, just genesis alone!! i've read it before, but as always you see something new each time. but i do like the format.

as always, it seems like the harder you try to get closer to God, the harder the enemy tries to prevent you. i recently had a HUGE temptation for me come my way, and i fell. i've been fighting depression from falling to this temptation. it's that great of a weight. on my way in to work this morning, the song posted below came on, (more and more i believe God creates a playlist for me). the thing that stood out the most is that today is a brand new day. i can't dwell on yesterday, His mercy is new every day! sorry, i have to cut it short, but peep the lyrics below. i'll be back to continue my thoughts on this post if necessary.

the analogy is a shot clock in basketball and one's day in life.

1st verse

Yes Sir/ Yeah Sis/ if you can hear through Hip-hop than hear this/Here it is fresh off the presses/ here to lift souls and clear all depression/Cuz I know what it’s like when the sun is all shining but your soul feels night/Feels like you’re caught under gloom’s dark presence/ with a little light shining like the moons sharp crescent/ How many days gone by/ when I said I was gonna win and I ain’t even try/I wake up at half court the day is half gone and time left on the board is madd short/Rushing my shot/ I hurry out the door/ I don’t pray I don’t take my worries to the Lord/How much time does it take to run the floor get the stop watch or maybe I should stop and watch the Lord/ Everyday is a new 24 on the shot clock either get your shot blocked or score

Chorus

Brand new day/With each new day that’s dawnin’ /Every time night turns to morning/Grace is new, Mercy is new, what you gone do with it/ If life is a game you can never play in again/ would you stay in your sin or start trainin’ aimin’ to win?

2nd verse

I’m so down in points at this point I’ll take brownie points/Especially with the people I love I wish I could win or at least take the lead by a hug/Sometimes when I’m leavin’ I shrug hoping they feel me like really E.Q.’d up subs/ I hope they see that I’m doing a good thing/ that’s the reason I’m not around as much as I could be/And when I’m around I’m often drained but I don’t want relationships getting lost and strained/ I’m always telling myself/ don’t have your lights out/ be a lighthouse for someone else/I could do more before I hit the floor let me cop a squat/ put in some quality time for sure/Everyday is a new 24 on the shot clock either get your shot blocked or score

Chorus

3rd verse

I love the way the Lord taught the church/ He had a simple game plan when He walked on earth/ a balance between doing/ and being with the people He loved/ and spending time with the father above/ if I could master the art of the latter part/ I could keep from always having to march back to start/ there’s so many things to do/ and this brings me to my chief need which is to cling to you/ Maslow’s hierarchy listed the priority of the order of the things that we need and I guess it varies/ from the need to feed and to find love and to seek to succeed but he missed the one thing that's necessary/ the Lord’s standing at the door of your heart knocking unlock it watch He’s got a lot in store/ today is a new 24 on your shot clock will you get your shot blocked or score

wow...it's been awhile

2008-02-04T09:26:00.000-08:00

where to start? so much has been going. we had the baby on jan 14. he was 8lbs 13 ounces 21 inches long. he is beautiful and we feel very blessed to have a second child. his name is aaron elijah.

as most newborns do, he has been taking up most of our time and energy. my 1st son has enough energy for 2 kids, so it has been a challenge to say the least. my wife is worn out and we're both exhausted. we don't have any family around so it's just us. we do have good relationships with two of our neighbors, so they help, but it's not the same as having family.

my 1st son has been doing very well with his new little brother and has been very sweet to him, kissing him and hugging him. trying to comfort him when he cries, but he's almost 3 and is used to being the center of attention. i think he's starting to feel a little differently now that he sees that is little brother needs alot of attention and it sometimes means he will have to wait to get what he wants. its tough. he's also the kinda kid that has tons of energy and needs to be re-directed alot. he's strong willed, which isn't a bad thing, but needs direction as most 3yrs olds do.

between him and my newborn, we're exhausted. last week i got 7 hours of sleep in a 3 day period. i'm still at work, i only got the first week off, haven't been at this job long enough to get maternity leave. so my wife has both of them for the majority of the day, then i come home and help out. fortunately, i have tons of experience with my 1st so that helped with me knowing what to do when it comes to feeding him, changing diapers, all that good stuff.

i'm at work now, and it's the only time i can sit and blog right now. way too much going on at home. i'll be back with an update on how things have been going spiritually and any other updates i can think of.

Life Time Garauntee

2007-11-30T12:57:00.001-08:00

i don't know if i've said this before, but i love this site. it seems like the devotionals are written just for me sometimes. today's was about letting go of our burdens and letting God handle them. something i struggle with. for me, it was just an encouraging read.

i've been having a difficult time this week. it's been hard to stay focused, i've been kinda forgetful or more like scattered brained. my wife says it's pregnancy brain and i believe her cause i just have not been myself. with the new baby coming i think there's been some underlying anxiety that i wasn't aware of. i haven't been relying on the Lord to carry me through in alot of areas in my life and i'm realizing it more and more. obviously it's a control issue. but i'm not a control freak, so i think again, it's a matter of a lack of trust on my part. i've been questioning myself on that latelly too. one part of me says "of course you trust the Lord", and the other side is saying, "you can handle it", when really, i can't. i don't talk to God enough either. we are to pray unceassingly, and it's a weakness of mine. i believe part of that is due to the fact that i know deep in my heart that that much commnication with the Lord will bring conviction on areas that i still need to work on. pray for me as i try to work on improving in that area, trusting the Lord to take care of me.

i have some other thoughts, but i'll post them under a different subject. anyway, i really like that site's devotionals, they speak to my heart and alot of times, meet me right where i'm at.

stress

2007-11-24T09:22:00.001-08:00

i think i'm stressed. so much going on. new baby on the way. that alone is mind blowing, it's almost like it's not real. jr. is in a very patience testing stage. my wife has been very uncomfortable since week 4 of the pregnancy. i'm buggin about how out of shape i am. my mind is telling me that i could be in the gym more. there's been enough opportunity too. but energy is low...must reserve...2 yr old....strong. lol. man....what a challenge!! he's not bad, but he's strong willed and stubborn, and has an amazing amount of energy.

and then there's my walk. it's a never ending battle. i need to put on more armor! ha! just thought of that. but it's tough, and i'm trying to persevere. i started my day off with prayer today. went to play ball and didn't turn the music on for about half the ride and prayed. starting the day off in a short amount of silence is good. i'm always on, and it gets harder and harder to slow my roll sometimes. it's usually done out of exhaustion.

anyway, mix all of that and more together and there's a nice good sized stress ball. but i'm not feeling so stressed now, just reflecting on how i've been feeling for awhile now.

man, i hope getting back in the gym will relieve some of that. obviously starting the day off in prayer is the best though. duh. :-)

as real as it gets

2007-11-20T10:32:00.000-08:00

i'm lovin this song right now. well it'll probably always be a favorite. great lyrics and i feel this song everytime i hear it. it's from the Process of Illumination and Elimination by Everyday Process:

Christian this is real as it gets
your faith is strengthened daily so endure the test
renewing the mind of Christ to resist the flesh
with a will to live peculiar despite the rest
at the cross we find grace the blood of Christ defines
who we are as righteous men among sinful kind
believer we cross the line it’s but a few times
a just man get’s up with the right mind.

I’ve said this before won’t do it any more
I’m frontin’ with the world and my life is really yours
man it hurts like dancing on corns the walk is sore
flesh is in control but I claimed you as Lord
Philippians 4:13 through Christ I’ve got it beaten
it seems now of days the only strength I got is leaving
turned from your way when your face I should be seeking
deny you at times like Peter heart aches I'm reaching
out because I have to no doubt I need to
realizing sin breaks the vibe with you forgive me for the dirt I do
thank you for being snatched from wrath
deliver me oh God from my haunting past
it wants to take over my body like an allergic rash
I’m bout to blow up like a smoker soaked in gas
I’ve tried the praying daily and a week long fast
I avoid a way of escape I know I’m hurting you Dad
tired of dealing with the same sin but it’s amazing
how ya grace is sufficient and never changing
a safe haven
a dwelling place provided in you when my minds raging
as the flesh keeps chasing
everything and anything unlike you Lord ya patient
your strength’s made perfect in weakness regardless of weak men
ya spirit sustains men ‘til the day of redemption.

Ay yo I know what the Word say
But I’m fessin’ up. I’m messin’ up livin’ the world’s way
And I know sin can’t control me or hold me
But I’m having difficulty livin’ holy
And that’s real. ‘Bout as real as it’s gonna get.
Sometimes, man I feel like I just wanna quit
And to add insult to injury
I’m tryin’ to fight my flesh and plus resist the enemy
And dying to self is harder than I thought
I faced even more temptation the harder that I fought
I’m learning to live this Christian life on my knees
You dead wrong if you think the Christian life is a breeze
But I know I got the victory
Cuz I repented when the comforter came and convicted me
God is into
Conforming us to His Son’s image. Until He finishes, the saga continues

Have mercy oh Lord I feel the heat
although the spirit is willing my physique is weak
please fill the void and restore my faith
bring back the joy of me seeking your face
I purposed in my heart to serve and trust you
walk upright live truth obey you
but the more I try it seems the harder I fall
in a race of endurance man I tend to stall
Christian this is as real as it gets
ya faith is strengthened daily so daily strive to carry
out the plan of God ordained for us
before the world was framed he arranged for us
to go thru knowing your outcome
as you go thru out comes everything that’s unlike Him
in salvation you a work in progress
he will finish what he starts endure the process
Ephesians chapter 2 you made alive in Christ
in this chapter of life you’re positioned right
you know a distinguished life don’t relinquish light
when your spirit gets weak man trust his might
tell a friend if you’re anchored right
you'll be encouraged walk upright live as the bride of Christ
God’s grace is sufficient live in submission
His spirit sustains men till the day of redemption

Christian this is real as it gets
your faith is strengthened daily so endure the test
renewing the mind of Christ to resist the flesh
with a will to live peculiar despite the rest
at the cross we find grace the blood of Christ defines
who we are as righteous men among sinful kind
believer we cross the line it’s but a few times
a just man get’s up with the right mind.

a good day

2007-11-17T13:54:00.000-08:00

it's been a good day. got up and played bball this morning. my knee was bothering me during the week for no apparent reason. my wife thinks it's wear and tear and the weather. i started off kinda shaky the first two games but played well the last two games.

i came home and had breakfast with the family, then we let jr. around outside for a while. we came in and put the crib together and moved the dresser/changing table up to the boys room. jr. is also sleeping in his "big boy" bed now and we have our bed to ourselves. that's good cuz the wife is 7 months now and is expanding, lol.
he still wakes up during the early morning hours, but overall he's been doing well.

they're up taking a nap, and i'm getting some quiet time. aaahhh!! i guess we'll eat dinner a little after they get up, clean up and put him to bed not long after. the little man hasn't been too testy today. a little challenging but he kept it together for the most part. i say that with the biggest smile because he is such a character!!

the last few days have been trying, spiritually speaking, but i've been trying to keep my head in the Word. my verse for the week has been "So I say, live by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature". ~ Gal. 5:17.
the words, "you will not" stood out to me. He doesn't say, you might not, but you will not, a definitive statement. so i decided to memorize just that verse, and focus on the fact that if i live by the Spirit and learn what it means to live by the Spirit, i will not gratify those desires. it's still not easy, but i've been trying to stand on that verse alone when i'm tempted. my plan is to memorize the verses that follow possibly verse by verse to let as much as i can soak in. its a thought.

well, the little man and mom are up now so i'm gonna sign off and hang out with them.

habits

2007-11-08T05:27:00.000-08:00

i'm a creature of habit. i've come to realize that recently, or i've just gotten to be that way over the years. being that way has it's pros and cons. some pros are that i always know where things are. for example, i have a basket where i put my cell, wallet, pager, watch, cash and loose change. my keys always get hung up on the key hooks by the door. i got the basket cuz i was tired of looking for those things when i had to go out or was leaving for work in the morning. if something is not where it's supposed to be, it makes it easier for me to retrace my steps and find it, because i have an easier time remembering what i did different from the normal routine. that alone, relieves some stress. the one major con is if i do something majorly different than the norm, i might not be able to find my keys or phone and i'll have no idea what i did with them the day before. of course i'll only realize this as i'm about to walk out the door.

sometimes, the sins that i'm so frustrated with are done out of habit. i hate that. the flesh is such a monster, and the more you feed it, the bigger it gets. i think i have a much better understanding of what the scriptures meant when we're told not to give the devil a foothold (ephesians 4:27). when you allow a sin to become habitual, you've given him that foothold. one definition for foothold is "A firm or secure position that provides a base for further advancement." further advancement in the believers case, pushes him/her further away from God, and that's what the devil wants. it'll be awhile before i get it, but i'm slowly learning that i have to form other habits to combat the sin in my life so it becomes less and less habitual. i'm still trying to do too much on my own, need to place my confidence in the Lord and follow the precepts He laid out to resist temptation. i'm hating my flesh more and more and i find myself thinking that more and more. my bros and sisters in the faith tell me that's a good thing. hopefully i'll be able to learn how to die to myself daily. that's a theme in alot of music that i listen to and sometimes the concept seems so foreign to me. well not foreign, but like alot of work LOL. whew!! but the reward is worth the work right? i know that that closer i get to the Lord, things that are not pleasing to Him will become less and less desirable and the more i rely on Him for my strength in the battle against the flesh, hopefully it'll feel like less work.

My Prayer

2007-11-07T06:13:00.000-08:00

(taken from part of Lifetime Gaurantee's devotional for today, these words express my thoughts and prayers... )

Lord, I long to know You better. I realize that this deep desire will be fulfilled as I spend time with just You. That doesn't mean having my Bible open in front of me at all times. It means being together, talking, laughing, crying, observing, walking leisurely holding hands. I don't want to read my Bible to meet the goal of "reading through the Bible this year;" I don't want to spend hours to impress others with my Bible knowledge; I don't want to have a disciplined time of study so I can check it off as an accomplished goal. No. I want to spend time with You because I want to know You and all Your intricacies. You have very painstakingly told me all about Yourself in Your Word, having others record Your innermost thoughts and Your visions. I read what they have recorded and then You and I talk about it-sitting out in the swing, working on the lawn, washing the dishes. We simply talk. We spend time together. You know me. I want to know You. I love you, Lord.
The Lord says: Let not the wise man bask in his wisdom, nor the mighty man in his might, nor the rich man in his riches. Let them boast in this alone: That they truly know Me . . . . Jeremiah 9:23

spending time with God

2007-10-31T08:06:00.000-07:00

Godzheart left a comment regarding my last post, saying that i was so blessed to be able to spend so much time with the Lord. well, one of my devotional reads for today was on just that.

"Jesus our Lord is always with us whether life is hectic or calm, but there
is great value in taking time each day to walk the quiet road with Him."

the author also asks himself "How often do I travel the quiet road with Jesus? Do I exit the fast lane of my responsibilities and concerns to focus my attention on Him for a time each day?" i'm trying to exit the fast lane on a daily basis...or at least start my day out with Him as my focus before entering the fast lane. we have one life to live and we know it. if you're a believer, it becomes vital to spend time reading His Word and spending time with Him. He's our shelter from this world, our refuge. hmmm, a light just came on. well, i just thought of David and when he was on the run. he thought of God as his refuge to hide from his enemies. this world is our enemy in alot of ways and we need to turn to our refuge to refresh us and carry us through. we do have the time, we just need to learn how to manage it and make Him a very important part of our day. i'm learning that, now...i just need to apply what i'm learning. God is good, He's shaping me. Praise God for His love and patience!! the first song on my radio blog called the preciousness of time that speaks just to time and how important it is to make use of it well.

also, check out Lifetime Guarantee's devotional for today. it's about how Jesus goes before the Father for us. our creater goes to bat for us!!

33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us - Romans 8:33-34

joy joy joy deep in my heart...deep in my heart

2007-10-23T07:41:00.000-07:00

"Joy comes from the Lord who lives in us, not from what’s happening around us"
That's a quote from my devotion this morning. i have a inner joy going on today. and i know its from having a closer walk with God. even if it's just in this moment or today, it's there. i'm very happy to be doing the Rendezvous series and have been looking forward to spending that quiet time with the Lord in the mornings. there has definetly been more of an inner peace with me lately. God is good, and i thank Him for his mercies, cuz they're new every morning!! it's just a relief to not feel like i was awhile back, stuck in the muck and mire of sin. the workbook for the Rendezvous series has been pretty challenging for me with some of the questions it asks, and it causes you to really examine your relationship with Christ. i've been doing the reading from the book, the study guide and my own personal devotions in the mornings seperate from the book. i hope to grow from this and to encourage others if i can.

people say that God is there...actually God says He's there, even in the small stuff. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. - (Matthew 10:29)

sometimes when i'm listening to my mp3 player, and this morning was an example, it's like God has a special playlist ready for me to listen to. my player has over 2200 tracks on it and 95% of it is christian music, and i usually have it playing on "shuffle all", so i never know what's next. but man, i'm telling you, sometimes the order of songs are either songs that i love or sometimes, they're songs that one after another touch on something i'm going through or have a message i needed to hear that day or right at that moment. this morning on the way in was one of those morning. i was just feeling like praising God for this inner peace i had because of my confidence in His faithfullness and patience. and the songs, one after the other were praise themed songs, and they just went with what i was thinking and feeling. it's happened often enough that i wonder if He's that involved in even the smallest details of our lives. i've mentioned it before where the same thing happens with the devotionals i'd read for the day, and the thing is i read two different ones from two different sites. gotta wonder. at any rate i thank Him for leading me to find good christian music, that helps me to keep my mind stayed on Him.

new music

2007-10-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

added some new music to the music blog. i've been in a praise and worship mood the last coupla days, so these songs reflect that. the lyrics do, the style of music may not to some people.

Living as Children of Light

2007-10-16T06:52:00.000-07:00

Paul instructs us to no longer live as the gentiles who were darkened in their understanding and seperated from the life of God because of the ignorance that was in them due to the hardening of their hearts. these same gentiles lost all sensitivity and gave themselves over to every kind of impurity with a continual lust for more. Ephesians 4:17-19

Paul actually insists that we don't live like this. i think i've had the idea in my head for the longest time that having a heart that desires to live for God would "just happen". i didn't realize how much i am responsible for. Paul says that we are taught with regard to our former way of life to put off our old self, which is being corrupted by it's deceitful desires and to be made new in the attitudes of our minds and to put on the new self created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4: 20-24. That statement infers that it's something we can do, it's a change of attitude.

Verses 25 thru 32 go on to give more instruction on putting off old behaviors that do not reflect the love of Christ. the thing that struck me for the first time this morning is that these are behaviors that we have to decide to change. there's no swallowing a magic pill and puff, those behaviors are gone! or even just throwing up a prayer to God to have Him change your attitude with nothing being done on our part. we have to purposely set out to change. in my reading from our Rendezvous material, the author compares our relationship with Christ to a garden and the work it takes to grow as a Christian. "we must tend to our heart and life daily to guard against intruders creeping up from within and hindering our spirtual growth and effectiveness".

we have to remember that we can't do it on our own, and that we need the Holy Spirit to help strengthen us. also seeing that Jesus didn't face the temptations in the desert alone was another eye opener. i mean, i'd read it many times before but a "light" came on this time. He had the Holy spirit with him and angels ministered to Him later. "We have the Holy Spirit just as Jesus did. The Spirit lives in our hearts, empowers our efforts, and directs our steps."

i thought i'd just share how my eyes were opened to the fact that we have alot to do with changing internally, alot more than i realized anyway. it is hard work, but it can be done with the help of the Holy Spirit.

verse of the day

2007-10-15T06:15:00.000-07:00

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:10

Rendezvous

2007-10-11T06:41:00.000-07:00

our church is starting a 40 day program called Rendezvous...a Sacred Encounter with God. actually, alof Nazaren churches are participating. the idea of the program is to help encourage people to turn their relationship with Christ into a more intimate one than it currently is. we'll be doing our reading during the week, then meet on sunday evenings to discuss the prior week's reading. i'm looking forward to it. my wife and i will both going, so i'm hoping it'll bring Christ more into focus in our marriage. one reason i'm looking forward to it is to be able to just talk about God and living this christian life with other believers. i think i'd like to be in the kind of community where we're really keeping each other accountable. encouragement, edification, praying for each other, sharing our struggles, all that good stuff. i dunno, does that kind of community really exist? you know, the kind where you say to someone, "hey, the other day i was reading proverbs and this verse really stuck out to me." ...and it turns into a good convo, and thats the norm. i hunger for that sometimes. today i think i'm feeling that way.

so far it's been pretty quiet today at work, and i think i'm gonna spend some time reading and in prayer. what i'll read, i dunno. maybe i'll continue my reading of Chronicles, not sure. maybe i'll find something to study, so lost when it comes to personal bible study, but i wouldn't mind starting one. speaking of study, my pastor and i will start meeting after the Rendezvous program completes. man, i can't describe the desire to live for God that's in me sometimes! it can be so frustrating at times, cuz i'm so weak. i need to learn how to live out 2 Corinthians 12:9: 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." spending more time in the Word, and less talk and more walk lol. i'm working on it. that's why i think a consistent community presence would be good in my life, any believers life for that matter. it may happen some day. ok, off to do something...work i guess. ugh

talking with friends about God

2007-10-10T10:06:00.001-07:00

have you ever tried talking to someone, a friend about God? especially when that friend doesn't attend church and doesn't consider themselves to be "religious"? i have a friend who i ride the commuter rail to work with just about every morning and we had our first "religious" discussion. i think it went very well.

we were having a convesation about how sedentary kids are today and how much we walked when we were growing up. i brought up walking everywhere and church was one of the places i walked to often. somehow the conversation turned to her not going to church very often and not considering herself to be very religious. i told her how i didn't consider myself to be religious and that i felt that word wasn't an accurate description of a believer. i said it much differently of course. i think i gave a general description of the difference between being "religious" and how being a believer is less about you and more about God. your view of life is based more on living a lifestyle that is pleasing to God. how you treat others, your own personal behavior, living a lifestyle that is obedient to God. don't know if i used the word obedient, but she got the idea of what i was saying. and it was received well. we also got into why some people view Catholics as not being Christian. i mostly touched on confession and how for Christians, Christ removed the need for a priest and is our bridge to God. i also talked about the sacrificial system of the Jews in the OT and how Christ was the ultimate sacrifice and became our mediator.

i kept it pretty general i think, but gave enough detail to possibly open her mind a little more than it is. prior to the conversation getting deeper she had mentioned wanting to eventually go back to church. so there was opportunity and it wasn't the first time that church came up, but the first time we talked at length. i'm glad that it wasn't an uncomfortable convo between friends. when i think about it, alot of topics came up and i think she came away with a better understanding of some things.

we kinda moved on from there but it went very well and i'm hoping that some things piqued her interest or changed her view a little on church. the term "organized religion" came up and i explained that it really should be more of a community of people who believe the same thing and are coming together to support each other. in essences that what church is. i think when people use the term "organized religion", their feelings are that it's almost cult-like and people involved in organized religion aren't thinking on their own.

recent newz

2007-10-08T11:07:00.000-07:00

so we had our echocardiogram and everything looked good. the only thing left will be ultra-sounds. so hopefully we'll enjoy the journey a little more with some of that stuff behind us.

our first little man has been driving us crazy!! it's comical when i think of it. probably the typical two and a half year old behavior. but man, he's testing every ounce of patience i have...lol. meanwhile, the wife is nesting and i'm caught up in the whirlwind. which i like, cuz i like having the place in order and right now it's getting straightened up. it's becoming more and more of a reality, especially with her showing earlier this pregnancy. very excitiing....i'm just rambling..i'm sorry.

i feel blessed, despite the struggle. and at times, it's more apparent to see how some can compare our realtionship with God to a romance. the way He persues us. sometimes it's hard to see it that way. at least it is for me. then it comes to me in a subtle way. truths about His character. things i've read in His word and then i realize that it's a truth in my life. very hard to explain. well, mr. "it's my world" is up from his nap and it would be futile to try and do any blogging with his expanding world envading mine. so till next time.

question

2007-09-25T05:54:00.000-07:00

why do we resist God? better yet, why as believers do we resist? why do we "return to our vomit"? (As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly. -proverbs 26:11). i hate this law that works inside me...(So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. - romans 7:21)

encouraged

2007-09-24T08:32:00.000-07:00

once again i've been encouraged when least expecting it. Granny B left a comment that encourages me to keep pressing on with expressing myself through this blog. and i went to visit her site today and her post titled "You are Worthy" was something i needed to read today. been feelin' pretty defeated lately. and it so happens to go along with today's verse of the day which is: " 35 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. 36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." - Hebrews 10:35-36 thanks again for stopping by.

last week was a pretty stressful week for me. mostly work stress, printers going down, a pc getting a virus (and the pc belongs to a needy doc), more printers going down. i also had a unpleasant experience at bball and that had me all fired up. someone had something to say and i didn't like how it was done and it just took all the air outta my sails, as well as making me very angry. i was so overwhelmed by thursday, i was trying to mentally process too much information at one time and it got to me. the printer issues had been resolved by the end of the day thursday, by almost the end of the day on friday i was able to resolve the virus issue, and on saturday morning i talked to the guy who's approach i didn't appreciate at bball and was feeling better by the end of the day. we made it out to church on sunday, and it was good to be there and be around other believers. we'll be starting a new 40 day program at the church in Oct. called Rendevous, where we'll be meeting in small groups doing a study on having a more intimate relationship with Christ. i signed us up for it and i'm looking forward to it. i still plan on getting together with the pastor for personal studies, just have to work out the where and when.

i'm hoping for a less stressed week this week. i'm also hoping to get some things organized. we have so much to organize, just finding where to start is tough. my wife works nights, three 12 hour shifts a week, and they're not always the same night. that makes getting things done around the house tough. i work days five days a week, she's almost 6 months pregnant, throw in a very very active 2 and 1/2 yr old and BAM, the apartment you just cleaned is a mess...a day and a half later! i'm working on it though, we both are.

well, i've survived another day at work, gonna be heading soon. i'm working on putting some new songs on the radio blog. i recently made a mix for my sis and i'm going to put that up. this is a cd meant to encourage her and it's a praise and worship theme. i believe she can really use the encouragement right now, she's been going through some financial difficulty. i should be back soon to blog some more, possibly tonight, but it's doubtful. after i put the little man to bed, it should be time for the season premiere of Heroes on NBC!!! ok, off to catch my train.

it's been a minute...or two

2007-09-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

sorry i haven't updated recently (to my legions of readers lolol). to be honest i haven't felt much like blogging and so much has been going on. on the good news front...we're having a baby!! my wife is now 5 months pregnant and of course we're very excited!! we've been keepin' it kinda hush hush, cuz in nov of 06 she had an ectopic pregnancy and it was rough on her and we were pretty nervous about how this pregnancy was gonna go. BUT, we had faith that whatever way it went, it was in God's hands and we know that we had to trust Him. she has been very sick during this pregnancy, for the entire 5 months! whew!! throw in some raging hormones and one can imagine that things have been a little rough. Also, due to her age, blood tests were being done for Downs Syndrome, but the labs and dr. offices were sending the blood draws to the wrong places, or doing the wrong tests, so it's been a little stressful. we even changed OB's in the beginning cuz they couldn't handle what they called "high risk", but we still had to deal with that office since they did the blood draws. this time around things have been much different from when we had our first child. she didn't have any morning sickness then, no nasaue, no heartburn, nothin', nada. she's been experiencing all of that and more with this one, but she's been feeling much better since sunday. we're having a boy by the way.

i guess you can say as usual i've been struggling. struggling with obedience, consistency in my walk, faithfulness. i haven't started my study with my pastor yet, actually haven't spoken to him since early in the summer. mostly due to the summer schedule and we figured once the summer was over we'd have a better grip on our schedules. but i think i'd like to have someone to study with, chop it up with besides the pastor, maybe someone closer to my age. i dunno. i've been reading alot of "debates" on a site, mostly around calvinism and frankly i'm tired of the debates. and to some degree i have a problem with debating over theology. probably because i've seen it turn into personal attacks and i don't think that was what the bible was written for. i understand the need to contend for the truth, but the personal attacks is what bothers me the most, as well as the tone of some of the posters. it's demeaning and just doesn't come across as Christ-like, and please don't come at me debating the meaning of love and saying things with love. there is an obvious difference between how some people express things and it's just not done with love. also, claiming that Christ spoke to so and so in this manner doesn't excuse how someone else expresses themselves and/or presents the scriptures.

anyway, i think my other name is "Isreal" - struggles with God. i think on some levels that's why i don't post often. i feel like, who'd wanna read this?? "does this guy ever feel good about his relationship with God??" "this is depressing" "he needs to stop talkin about it and be about it". well, anyway, i'll be trying to post more often. i'm going to try and post just about happenings in my life in general, things i'm observing and of course this spiritual struggle. man, sometimes it really feels like a battle!!

God is still working on me though and i know He's been putting people in my path (believers) at work. We talk from time to time about the Christian walk and/or scripture and what we've learned from it. i'm still making mix cd's for Christians and non Christians to encourage them and just to show there's an alternative to listen to and it's God glorifying. Funny....i don't even listen to the radio anymore and don't keep up with what's going on. Ever since getting introduced to The Crossmovement in '02....i think that's when i found out about them. anyway, i'm hoping that someone may end up feeling the same way about secular music and turn from it to listen to music that talks about our Creator after hearing a mix cd or two that i give them. ok, gotta get back to work. Special shout out to Godzheart! thanks for keeping up and commenting, just when i'm thinking about giving up on this blogging thing, you leave a comment and it's mad encouraging. God bless you!!

an update

2007-07-25T11:30:00.001-07:00

for anyone who may read this from time to time. things are going well. went on vacation about a week after my last post. we went to a family reunion and my wife's family got to meet our little man for the first time. it was a real good time and he did well for his first time taking a long trip by car. in other news, i've transitioned over to a "new" job. the company i was contracted out to absorbed some of us after ending the contract. i'm doing the same thing as before, just working for the company now, instead of being contracted out.

i had a difficult time getting back into work mode and back into reading my Bible. i went on vacation hoping to have lots of quiet time to spend with the Lord and it didn't work out that way. i could have made more of an effort, but i didn't and don't want to offer any excuses. and so it just went downhill from there. i'm just now getting back into doing my morning devotions, praying and having the correct mindset. it had been bothering me that i wasn't doing any of that stuff, but i wouldn't do anything about it. but i noticed that i was getting back to being the old me. the fuse on my temper was shorter, i was becoming more and more withdrawn and i could just feel a disconnect between me and God. so after a few weeks of not really seeking Him out, i did a morning devotion and of course it spoke to what i was going through, and the one thing i took from it was that was 1.) there is no hiding from God (i was trying to avoid Him) and 2.) fellowhip with God is just a prayer away. hopefully there was some growth during that time, or a lesson learned from not spending time talking to the Lord on the regular. actually i know that i learned that i need Him just to maintain. it's amazing how much one's personality can change in just a few days of now fellowshiping with Him.
i don't know if i've mentioned it before, but i've made plans with my pastor to start doing a Bible Study with him. not sure yet if it'll be a specific book, but i know i'll have alot of questions for him before we even get to studying. i also know i want to get real deep with it, studying the greek and hebrew, times, places and the culture of the people during that time. all to get a better understanding of the context of scripture and what is really being said. my hope is it will bring me into a closer walk and more consistent devotion. so pray for me. that's it for now, i have some other news but i'll hold off on that for awhile. hopefully i'll get back to being more consistent with blogging. part of the reason that i know i'm not consistent was because i was hoping to have more interaction with others through my blog, but it hasn't happened. at times i'm tempted to make this a private blog, but i'll hold off for now. that's all for now.

confession IS good for the soul

2007-06-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

you know, it's amazing what prayer does for one internally. most times when i struggle in my walk i don't wanna talk to God. probably cuz of shame and frustration that i'm coming to Him again asking for forgiveness for the same thing. what will happen then is i'll start feeling less and less of any connection to Him and it'll start eating away at me. this could go on for days, then probably due to the Lord's relentlessness i come to Him, confess, repent and ask for continued grace and His strength to carry me through. man, the weight gets lifted!! i start to realize it later as the day goes on. don't get it twisted, things are still on my mind, but i don't have the "black cloud" over my head. a friend of mine said, in the past, it was like i had a black cloud over me when he'd see me, even in church. i used to just wallow in it too, not necessarily in a sad way, but i lived in that cloud and kinda enjoyed it. it was protection. kept people out of my buisness and getting too close. whew...i'm glad that's not the case anymore. trying to live for the Lord, instead of self....what a difference it makes! life has a MUCH different perspective when you're focused more on God and living a life that's pleasing to Him. so i encourage anyone who may read this. PRAY. i need to do much more of it myself, but it is such a help. think about it, the God who created you wants to hear from you, wants to instruct you on how to live this life, and he gives us a means to reach Him!! amazing. amazing grace!!

not a horror story

2007-06-20T06:04:00.000-07:00

Check out this testimony. it's a blog entry with diamone's testimony. i read it earlier this morning and can't quite remember what made me want to share this. one thing that caught me was she said "But with all the knowledge of the faith, I still didn't get the reality in the depth of God's love and grace for me." that struck me cuz my desire to know God is growing and i want to be more knowledgable about Him, about doctrine, theology, church history, biblical history....i'm sure i could go on. but at the same time, i don't want the thirst for knowledge to keep me from truely getting to know Him and living for Him. anyway, it's a good read and her previous entry is very good too.
by the way diamone appears on trip lee's If They Only Knew album on the song More and on lecrae's After the Music Stops album on the song Invisible. at first i wasn't sure if i was feelin' her voice, but after a few listens i came to like the uniqueness of her voice. i'll be looking forward to an album from her.

new song

2007-06-14T07:53:00.001-07:00

got a new song up on the blog. it's called 9-10 and it's by Tonic from The Cross Movmement of their latest cd History. one of my favorites so far off the album, very good lyrics. listen carefully.

feeding the flesh...

2007-06-06T09:34:00.000-07:00

here's a pretty cool illustration on the subject: feeding the flesh

now this is a love song

2007-06-05T05:58:00.000-07:00

these are the lyrics from fred hammonds "your love is" from the "somethin' 'bout love" album. i cry almost every time i hear this song cuz it reminds me that no matter how frustrated i get, God is there with me, and that He wants nothing but the best for me and loves me with a love that i can't even begin to understand. His love is always...
for now, this is the last song on my radioblog

[Pre-Chorus]
Beyond what I can think
You go beyond my hopes and highest expectations
The love You've shown on Calvary
Forever, always
Pursuing me
Relentlessly
I'm crying please

[Chorus]
Open up the heavens (Open up the heavens)
Let me feel Your shower (Let me feel Your shower)
The shower of Your presence
Every moment of each hour
Lord here's my hand (Lord here's my hand)
Cover me and (Cover me and)
Take me beyond
What I understand

[Verse 1]
Your love is greater than my thoughts-deeper, higher
Brighter than my hopes-burns like fire
Lighting up my soul-You inspire
Your love is always
Always moving me to tears-overflowing
Just like a waterfall-keeps on going
The wonderful thing about Your love-keeps me knowing

[Repeat Pre-Chorus 1x]

[Repeat Chorus 1x]

[Verse 2]
Your love is greater than my thoughts-deeper, higher
Brighter than my hopes-burns like fire
Lighting up my soul-You inspire
Your love is always
Always moving me to tears-overflowing
Just like a waterfall-keeps on going
The wonderful thing about Your love-keeps me knowing

[Pre-Vamp]
It's renewing and refreshing (That's what Your love is)
Vital and life-giving (That's what Your love is)
Comforting and blessing (That's what Your love, that’s what Your love, that’s what Your love)
A place where I can run to (That's what Your love is)
A tower and a shelter (That's what Your love is)
Forgiving us forever (That's what Your love, that’s what Your love)
That's what Your love is, Your love is

[Vamp A]
Renewing and refreshing
Vital and life-giving
Comforting and blessing
That's what Your love is
A place where I can run to
A tower and a shelter
Forgiving us forever
That's what I'm talking 'bout

[Repeat Vamp A 1x]

[Vamp B]
Whenever I feel Your love on me
The tears begin to flow
I let myself go
And then I know
Your love is here, Your love, oh Lord
Whenever I feel Your warm embrace
Like the warm sun on my face
Your presence in this place
It lets me know Your love is here, Your love

some new music for me

2007-06-01T13:15:00.000-07:00

today i picked up Lisa McClendon's Soul Music, Yolanda Adam's Mountain High...Valley Low, CeCe Winans Purified and Charles&Taylor self-titled cd. yesterday i picked up Fred Hammond's Somethin' 'bout Love. very nice cd, been playin it all day. a co-worker even commented on how nice the music was. the best part about the cd's i pickup today is that they were all 10 bucks! can't wait to check 'em all out and right now, charles & taylor is being ripped to my creative zen vision: m, love this little device!!

i wish i had a childlike heart

2007-05-31T06:47:00.001-07:00

How would a child come to God? With no reservations, no preconceived fears or doubts.

***
"Looking up" to Him -- from a child's perspective.He is big and I am little.
He is strong. I am weak. He will hold me in His arms. He will hold my hand. He will know what to do. . . .
Ready to listen and to ask questions,
but not to express his views or to argue with Him about His views. Giving Him the responsibility of caring for him. Indeed, expecting Him to care for him. Trusting Him to care for him.
Reaching out to touch Him.
Holding His hand for security and comfort.
Resting in His lap.
Putting his arms around His neck.
Being excited to see Him and be with Him.
Knowing that He is wiser than he is.
Knowing that He is stronger than he is.
***
but i struggle. i question. i get frustrated with this walk and my unfaithfulness and my disobedience. like b.morr says, my only consistency is my inconsistency. i desire a closer walk but haven't put out the effort necessary. i don't read His word every day, i don't pray nearly as often as i should. i don't meditate on His word. so how can i expect to have this closer walk?!?! i was telling my pastor that i'm the guy at the pool who only puts his toe in the water but doesn't jump in. i need to emerse myself in His Word. that would probably help with this battle that goes on in my heart/head.
i keep getting in the way. instead of saying "here i am Lord and i submit, please take over my life" i'm saying "i gotta work on this first, then get rid of this, then that, then i'll be ready and acceptable."
man, i just wanna love God, and truely appreciate Him. sometimes i feel so alone in this struggle. i know i'm not, but it feels like i'm fighting this fight alone and no one can relate. it's not too often you hear of people who struggle and admit it out loud. i'm hoping that God will open a door for me to find other believers to share our struggles and to encourage each other.
i could cry. just walking in to work this morning, i felt like i could have started crying in the middle of all the people around me. that's how frustrated i am. (i said i was going to be more transparent didn't i?)
the one thing that really bugs me is that the closer i try to get to Him, the harder it gets. the more i try, it seems more obstacles or stumbling blocks pop up. things that test my patience, or my ability to respond in a Christ-like manner. well, for now, i've run out of words on this topic.

***paraphrased from wednesday's devotional at lifetime guarantee ministries***

blah

2007-05-30T07:25:00.001-07:00

feeling very blah today. i have so much going on in my head, it's almost overwhelming. someone...actually a neighbor broke into our apt yesterday and we're pretty sure we know who and it makes me so angry cuz we have no proof, but we know by what was taken, and believe me, it was nothing of value and just made it more obvious who it was. my screen on the screen door is ruined and the back door is no longer secure. and this just adds to the stock pile of things on my mind. and the old me wants to rage and make subtle threats out loud. be cold to everyone in the apt tenament because of the one person (most of the other tenants are related)
i'm tired. mentally, physically, emotionally. i'm gaining unwanted weight and feeling almost powerless about it. that's it for now, gotta run. but i needed to vent.

pluck 'em!

2007-05-30T06:02:00.000-07:00

the summer is here and i want to pluck my eyes out!

47 And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell - Mark 9:47

thoughts on holiness

2007-05-22T05:42:00.000-07:00

recently i've been thinking about holiness and what it means to be holy. it's a tall order no doubt, but i always have to remember that my strength comes from Him and He carries me through. so i have to remind myself to rely on Jesus to live a holy life. that being said, i've been thinking also about reverence to God and realizing how holy He is. and that is difficult for me to grasp at this point. He is so holy, yet He loved me so much that He took on human form to save me from His wrath?

"Let me ask you if you seemed confused with this
God passed through His own creature's uterus
and I admit this is odd, but the Bible can persuade me
an Omnipotent God was crying as a baby? " *

i don't know if i'm making what i'm saying clear enough, but it's hard to imagine that the same God who created me, died for me. the same God who is so Holy. and what does it mean to be holy? like what does that really mean? and God is so holy that one sin is an offense to Him?! and it's punishable by death??? wow. that's some standard.

my prayers have been for God to keep the hunger growing in me to know Him and to keep me desiring to live a life that is pleasing to Him. and recently i've taken some steps to take have a deeper walk with Him. i'll talk about that in another post. so more and more my mind has been on holiness and what it means to be holy because it is required of us; "But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." - I Peter 1:15-16. by God's grace, i will be able to meet this requirement.

*Timothy Brindle - "The Humility of Christ" from the Killing Sin album.

ummm...ya

2007-05-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

Aslan?!?
i saw this on another blog and had to post it!

that's crazy!!

some early morning thoughts

2007-05-16T07:02:00.000-07:00

it amazes me sometimes that alot of times the devotions that i do in the mornings speak to or touch on things i'm feeling or thinking about. below are some paraphrased excerps from this morning's devotional:

You lightly broke your solemn vows to me,
yet I will keep the pledge I made to you when you were young.
I will establish an everlasting covenant with you forever.
Ezekiel 16: 59-60 TLB

i see myself in that verse of scripture. numerous times since the day I gave my life over to Christ, with tears and sincere regret, i've renewed that solemn vow—only to "lightly break that vow" again in a time of frustration, anger, self-protection, weariness, or doubt.
But the Person with whom I made that agreement when I was twelve years old says, "It's all right, andrew (that's me hint hint, there's some transparency right there, my real name!!). I'm not going to back out of the covenant we made. I'm going to keep all of My promises to you. We're different—You and me. You can trust Me, dear one. I won't break the vows I made with you."
in a marriage when things aren't going well, sometimes one of the twosome is trying—everything possible—to make the marriage work, to make it the beautiful relationship that God created it to be. but for that to happen, both of them have to commit themselves to trying to make their union something special, and then beauty begins to come. then love is renewed. then the relationship becomes all that it is supposed to be.
in my covenant with the Lord, He is doing His very best to make our relationship all that He longs for it to be. i'm the one putting sand in the gears. i'm the one who is chasing other ways for fulfillment and I confess, "It's me, Lord. And I am so sorry."
thank You for being the Person of integrity that You are. Your love, your faithfulness, your dedication to me are absolutely marvelous!

Your steadfast love, O Lord, is as great as all the heavens.(That's beyond our ability to grasp, isn't it?)Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.(Beyond the clouds? No way can I imagine that.)Your justice is as solid as God's mountains.(I have never analyzed the "solidness" of a mountain, have you?)Your decisions are as full of wisdom as the oceans are with water.(Quite a comparison, isn't it?)You are concerned for men and animals alike.How precious is Your constant love, O God!Psalm 36: 5-7 (TLB)

What seems to be a minor infraction to me—lightly breaking the solemn vow I made with You—is a very major infraction with You. Help me to see that, Lord.

most of this was taken from today's devotion at Lifetime Guarantee Ministries

that pretty much sums up what some of my thoughts were this morning on the train ride into work. isn't it great that God keeps His promises and that He's faithful despite our unfaithfulness?? more and more those minor infractions are becoming more like major infractions to me and i'm taking it alot more seriously. got work to get to, i'll be back to comment on psalm 36:5

i wish

2007-05-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

i wish i wrote as well as i speak. it's easier to speak what i'm thinking then it is to write it and make it sound good, or to flow well. i think when i write i tend to try to write like i talk and it doesn't always come out right or doesn't sound like i wanted it to. hopefully that'll improve in time.

a random thought

2007-05-15T12:04:00.000-07:00

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. Ecclesiastes 11:5.
speaking of way of the master, there was a debate recently with Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort vs. two athiests on proving the existence of God. looking at today's verse it reminded me of the debate and as a believer, i just wonder what makes people think there is no God. it's not like those who don't believe decided "hey, i wanna be born today, or better yet...i wanna be conceived today. know what i mean? you can't even explain how you got here, but you can tell us there is no God? that's a random thought right there. i could go on, but i have work to get back to. but isn't it interesting? you have no control of when you're born into this world and really no control over when you leave it, but you're sure there is no way that God had anything to do with it. i could go on. maybe in another post, that's a topic that could be discussed for pages.

random thoughts

2007-05-15T06:52:00.000-07:00

so on the way in this morning, i was thinking that i'd try posting more of my random thoughts. alot of times i have plenty of thoughts running through my head and i wonder if other people think similarily. sometimes they're in the form of questions or just things i'd like to wonder out loud, so maybe i'll start "wondering out loud" here. anyway, we'll see how that goes. i think it'll help me to open up and to be a little more revealing about myself and this walk i'm on.

there's some new music up on the radio blog, i've got some new music i've purchased and some of it's up on the radio. i'll list some of the new stuff later, got some work to get to. by the way, i'm listening to way of the master and they had an interesting street interview today. they interviewed a man who's never sinned! he said he's never lied, or lusted after a woman, never used God's name in vain and wasn't disobedient with his parents! it was an interesting interview

don't call it a come back...

2007-05-10T08:07:00.000-07:00

i been here for years....nahh..just playin....but i'm getting the blog bug again...kinda sorta. so hopefully i'll be back to posting more. and i hope to be more transparent (oy).

blog construction

2007-03-12T05:48:00.000-07:00

ok, so it doesn't look any different now, but i had a blogger template up and didn't like it so i went back to the latest template. i've been working on one for a few weeks now but the new blogger doesn't work well with it, or i just haven't figured it out. i don't really have much time to invest in figuring out how to change the template to the one i have. i'm ready for a change though, a different look. maybe if i ever get some time on the weekend i can spend some serious time working on it. until then, i'll stick with this one.

please excuse

2007-03-06T08:23:00.000-08:00

the appearance of my blog, i'm in the middle of changing my template, i've actually been working on it for a couple of weeks now, when i've had the time that it is. alot of this design stuff is just a hobby for me so i'm learning as i go. i have ideas in my head of what i want and i have a template designed, it's now a matter of getting it to work. hopefully i'll be able to put some thoughts down once i've got the template completely up and running.

examine yourself

2007-02-05T10:45:00.000-08:00

"Are you a Christian? Many people who claim to be point to some event in the past to substantiate their claim. But inviting Jesus to come into your life in the past is not proof that you are genuinely saved. In 2 Corinthians 13:5 Paul says to the Corinthian church, "Examine yourselves, whether you are in the faith; prove yourselves (emphasis added)." He wouldn't have said that if some event in the past were obviously the answer. The Bible never verifies anyone's salvation by the past but by the present. If there is no evidence of salvation in your life now, you need to face the fact that you may not be a Christian. You need to examine yourself to see whether you are in the faith. How does one do that? Jesus shows us in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5‑7). "

this was written by john macarthur over at grace to you. i definetly needed to read this. i've been doing alot of self-examination lately, pretty much daily and this puts alot of things into perspective. read the rest here.

i think i'm gonna use this as a reference, survey, and reminder. man this walk is hard, but i do like that at one point macarthur says;

"No man has the resources within himself to live up to God's standards. That's
why we have to cast ourselves on the mercy of God. The rich young ruler in
Matthew 19 wasn't willing to do that. He wanted to enter the Kingdom but on his
terms. However, that's like trying to put a camel through the eye of a needle.
The only way into the Kingdom is by becoming broken in spirit, mournful, and
eager for a righteousness that you can't attain and don't deserve."

now if i can just get that through my head. i think i keep relying on my own strength. ha...what strength?? my motives too, gotta check those. need to refocus and make sure that motives are for God, to bring pleasure to Him. pray for me fam, cuz i know God has plans for me and i'm searching them out. but i'm also not giving myself to Him fully, not praying like i should be and sincerely seeking my purpose in Him. pray that He gives me His strength and that i truely seek Him and live according to His will for me.

Hehe

2007-02-01T09:27:00.000-08:00

recent pickups

2007-01-26T11:55:00.000-08:00

my collection is growing, slowly but surely. most recent pickups are metamorphosis by j.r. , i got it for free mixtape by e-pistle, to die is gain by stephen the levite and the great awakening by timothy brindle. to die is gain just got here yesterday, and i ordered it just this past friday!! i'm feelin all of these cd's!! i like metamorphosis even more than i expected. the great awakening is good also, it's an older cd so the beats remind me of an earlier period in hip hop but the cd flows very nicely. that's one thing i'm noticing about the lampmode crew and their cd's. they all flow very smoothly musically. they kinda remind me of some of the rock groups in the 70's that had theme albums, like pink floyd for ex. , i'm just talking flow here, no comparison. the e-pistle joint is hot, i love the beats and lyrics. i love the lyricism on all the above cd's! to some degree these are small sermons and i love how i get fed by these kats. they really help me to examine myself, especially when they're very honest about their own shortcomings and talk about the seriousness of being in a right standing with God. i haven't gotten to really listen to to die is gain fully yet, but from what i've heard i know i'll like it. there's a joint on there called "the darknes",whew, that first line, man those are some powerful lyrics.

so i think my next pickup will be lecrae's joint after the music stops, then possibly trip lee's if they only knew, kingdom people by tedashi and then revolutionary theme muzik by r-swift and i'm thinkin about jacob izreal's joint even louder. i love that song "Godly Life" and "If I should die". his style isn't my usual taste but i like what i've heard so far. these are all on the list and i'm sure there are more i forgot and depending on how i feel, the order may change of which ones i'll get first. ok, got some errands to run.

the parable of the sower

2007-01-19T09:29:00.000-08:00

Matthew 13: 3-8 and Matthew 13: 18-23

3Then he told them many things in parables, saying: "A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.

18"Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: 19When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is the seed sown along the path. 20The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. 21But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away. 22The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful. 23But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown."

The soil among the thorns represented those who permit the Word of God in their hearts to be choked by the cares and pleasures of the alluring world (vv.7,22).That’s a dangerous possibility for anyone who thoughtlessly responds to God’s Word. The world may induce a forgetfulness of spiritual reality and responsibility.Do we allow the attractions of this world to keep us from reading and meditating on God’s Word? Prayerfully, let us strive to be like the one who “hears the Word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and produces” (v.23).When the sun sets tonight, let it not be said that we have forgotten God —Vernon C Grounds

this was today's devotion at our daily bread today. most of the time when i hear this passage i feel like i'm the one who lets the cares and worries of this world hinder my walk with the Lord. . like i've said before, God's standards are soooo high, it feels impossible to be a good, faithful servant. so much to learn, and i feel overwhelmed by it at times. learning how to let go and say "here Lord, my life is yours, do with it what you please" is hard for me. maybe it's hard for everyone. i don't know that i ever "forget" God, but i do get caught up in the busy-ness of life and when i slow down and think about how God may have different plans for my life, i struggle with trusting him with my whole inner being. trusting in the sense that i know that my way of thinking is not God's and i'd probably want things to be alot easier than how He would go about achieving His purpose in me. it's a battle, cuz at the same time i wanna be closer, i wanna know that God is with me and i'm with Him. i just need to get into His Word more, and to keep mediatating on it.

over at life time guarantee, the devotion for today was taken from Proverbs 4:20-22. anabel breaks down the verses and has a quote from A.W. Tozer which is;
"Spiritual gifts and graces come only to those who WANT them badly enough. It may be said without qualification that every man is as holy and as full of the Spirit as he WANTS to be. He may not be as full as he WISHES he were, but he is most certainly as full as he WANTS to be."

i can identify with that statement. alot of times we know, probably by the Holy Spirit's conviction, that there are areas in our lives that need some serious clean up and that God is not pleased with those areas. but we hold on to them and they stunt our growth in the Lord. since we know that we have these areas to clean up but haven't, in essence we're saying, "ok Lord, i've gotten this far, but this area i'm just not ready to let go off", thus we limit how much more God would bless us. so until we make that needed effort to become even more holy, we're as holy as we wanna be. i'm speaking from experience and hope that as i get closer to the Lord that my desire to be more spiritual and more holy, will push down the worries and cares of life, and it not only becomes a desire but something i strive for. strive: to exert oneself vigorously; try hard; to make strenuous efforts toward any goal.

integrity

2007-01-16T06:20:00.000-08:00

For Further Thought
In what ways have I been a person of integrity when it was tough? When have I failed? Whose standards do I live by? What do I need to change?

that was from today's devotional at Our Daily Bread. it was taken from Gen. 39: 1-12, the story of how joseph resisted potipher's wife. joseph was able to resist her because he valued following God's standards. potipher put joseph in charge of everything and trusted him not to touch his wife. i would like to have that kinda integrity and strive more to live according to God's standards even though i know they're very high. but the key word is strive: to exert oneself vigorously; try hard; to make strenuous efforts toward any goal. i need to try harder cuz i'm living by my own standards right now. so i need to change the effort i'm putting in. according to the definition of strive, i'm not making a strenous effort.

for example, this weekend i coulda tried alot harder. i had plenty of free time on my hands but spent it doing things that are definetly below God's standards. but that was yesterday and today is a new day. so far i got the day started off on the right foot by getting myself together last night so this morning wasn't a big rush to get out the door and it worked. and the kitchen is clean. so my next thing will be to pick up the clothes on the floor in my room. trying to set small goals and just to improve myself as a person. i went to the gym last night and had a semi intense workout. gonna take some time to get used to the new gym and the different crowd of people & the different types of machines. but it was a good workout and hopefully i'll be bringing the poundages up soon enough. i started eating right and i think i've dropped some off the love handles i was getting, now i need to start doing more ab work and more cardio. this should help with just playing once a week too. i'll start out with one cardio day a week (not including bball) and see how that works out. last night was tri's and calves, friday will be legs. for now i'll just do squats and hack squats for quads and lying leg curls and SLDL's for hammies. light to mid weight for pounds on all exercises and after the first warm up set, i'll keep the rep ranges between 8-10.
so today i will finish up on putting my memory verses in my new journal (physical not online) and writing some definitions of words that are commonly used in Christendom; also i'll start re-memorizing scripts.

question about the word Glory

2007-01-11T11:16:00.000-08:00

glory: from the Latin gloria, "fame, renown is used to denote the manifestation of God's presence in the Judeo-Christian religious tradition. In Hebrew it would probably be the word הוד Hod.

When I looked up the word renown, i got this defintion: a state of being widely acclaimed and highly honored.

I see alot of talk about glory to God and God does things for His glory. so my question is why would God need to get glory from us his creations? i guess as a christian one would already know and understand that since God is the creater of all things, we cannot take credit for anything. so with that understanding why would God need to get the glory or expect praise from us for the things He does? He didn't need us before the foundation of the world, He doesn't need us now, so why would God do things to get glory? God doesn't have to prove Himself to anyone, so i'm not sure i understand the way the word glory is being used in relation to God and Him getting His and doing things to get His. is there anyone that can explain this concept to me?

understand that the question is not out of irreverrance but just a desire to understand better. i've always felt that God wants and desires to have a relationship with us and that is His purpose ultimately. beyond that i can't say why else things go the way they do. and i guess this train of thought was sparked by a question asked about rape and whether or not God ordains, allows or even creates events that would lead to that happening.

edit: also i may need to rephrase the question so it's clearer as to what i mean.

the sin problem

2006-12-22T06:04:00.000-08:00

well, a few hours since my last post i came across two posts that we're actually encouraging because of the writer's transparency. first jenn wrote about the mortification of sin, and to me at least, it touched on some of what i was expressing in my previous post. then larosa posted a devotion about this incredible walk we're on.

jenn posted this over at hcr and one of the forum members responded with lyrics from a song that means alot to him. his hcr name is Conviction Music and you can check out his myspace page, he has an album in the works.

these lyrics also really say some things that are in my heart and express the frustration i feel at times:

You know the feeling when you tired and you stressed out/
you need to pray but your too prideful to just bow so you lie with ya chest out/
frontin like your fine, but in ya mind ya stretched out/
ya put you faith face on but deep in side ya fresh out/
Ya tell ya self, i cant believe that im faking/
but im scared they gone judge me if they see that im aching, see that im facing/
troubles thats gone lead to disgrace then, i'll be humbled once they see that im caged in/
im weak and ive straight sinned, my problems got me thinking i cant win/
now im going off on family, man, i mean it my faiths dim/
im 'pose to be a Christian full of love and not the flesh, but i confess this
weight is to heavy for me to squat or press/
i gotta rest, before this ungodliness topples me, sometimes i think/
that God is gotta be tired of watching me/
when most the time im leading cats to his face, this time its me that needs your love, im coming back to your grace/

hopefully i'll be in a better place soon. it's hard to explain, cuz as down as i feel at times i have confidence in God and that He's still shaping and molding me. i had more thoughts i wanted to write but they've left me for now. i'll be back later.

this battle

2006-12-21T19:09:00.000-08:00

i get so tired of fighting this fight some times. sometimes it feels like it's all-consuming, like it's always there in the back of my mind. i'd appreciate it if more christans were real about that side of being a christian. talk about how it can feel like a weight at times, it's not always easy to trust. call it crazy or what ever but it's a reality.

at the same time my faith kicks in and says to trust Him cuz He's in control. but i wanna be in control. i wanna decide what way my life goes. lol...ironic right? my last post was about God's providence and this one is saying "i wanna drive!" but that's real, at least for me it is. i ride the fence sometimes and know it. i hate it when i do it, and probably while i'm ridin' it, it comes to mind. that's real y'all. real talk. i get tired, i dunno about anyone else. the thing is, i want to know what it is to rest in Him. i do rest in Him and then i pull right back.

the battle.
sometimes it's like i'm just in the mode where i'm thirsting to know more about God. about this mystery and sure enough here comes all kinds of distractions to lead you the total opposite direction. then i'll hear a song that makes me say i want that, i want to be that in love with God, and of course here comes the opposition. i feel it in my bones. it wears on me sometimes.

i fall short in so many areas. that's a hard reflection to look at. i've been reading alot. alot of debates about this doctrine and that doctrine. things i just never put any thought into before. it's alot to take in, and trying to navigate your way through can be a stumbling block. i think that's an appropriate use of that saying.

i still feel like i'm on the outside looking in. but deep in my heart i feel like there's a chance i'm on the right road. that there's hope. other tims i feel confident in that hope and it's more than just a chance.

that's how serious it is for me, it literally feels like a matter of life and death. it feels like i feel the weight of life and death and the importance of making the right decision. kinda like that new taye diggs series on abc called day break, except i don't get to start the same day over and over and make different choices. there's more going on then what it seems alot of people are aware of. any one feel me on that? cuz for real...there has to be more.

i started reading my bible on the regular starting with the book of Ruth. i'm in I Kings now and Solomon has started sacrificing to other gods. why man???? but who's to say i wouldn't have done the same thing right? but i digress. so seeing the beginning of his end and seeing how David fell before him and Saul before him, i'm eager to see what Solomon has to say in Ecclesiastes.

i'm seeing trends in how God reaches out to us and how we respond. what is that? what is it that's in us that makes us want to rebel? i know about sin, believe me i know about sin. but why is it there? i have other questions and/or thoughts on sin but that's for another post.

sorry if this post was too all over the place for anyone but i felt the need to be really real tonight. it's a hard walk and i get the feeling that more of us don't actually say it. some of us know the right things to say but aren't always living the way we talk. please don't get me wrong. i've said it before and i'll say it again, my desire is to know God, to love God with all my heart and soul. i think God is amazing. i don't think there's anyway any one person or groups of people could make up a story like this that would impact the world. the story being how God sent His son to die for us. when one considers the impact of the bible on the world!! and it's message? c'mon. i could go on, He is literally everywhere. so i know He's real. i'm just trying to think things through i guess.

alright, i've run out of words, plus i have to get to bed, gotta be up in 5 hours and i'm not really prepared. g'nite.

providence

2006-12-15T18:31:00.000-08:00

this is life is a trip. sometimes things line up in such a way that you can't help feel like it's too much of a coincidence and somehow you know it's not.

it's been awhile since i posted and alot has happened. we've had a few guys leave on the desktop team here at work. a friend of mine was one and i wasn't happy to see him go. he's a good guy, he seems to have a heart that desires to know God. he listens to gospel and opened my ears up to some artist and we just got along. it was good to have someone around to talk about God with. about a week after he left, another friend of mine left. he's a christian also and i didn't find that out until about a month before he left. he likes christian rap and was surprised to find out i did and had quite a bit of music. i made a mix cd for him to check out some artists he hadn't heard of. he surprised me by letting me know he wanted to stay in contact outside of work and appreciated the conversations we had, especially since they were about Christ and living the christian life. to my surprise again, i got an email from him saying wassup, but i was so busy at work i couldn't make time to respond so i'll get back to him on monday. so we're down a few guys at work, and actually a third guy left the same day as my first friend. my two friends who left were both young christian men in different stages of their walk, but it was good to have them as co-workers which is rare.

so check it, now we're down three guys overall and we need two at my site. we need four guys to support my site and we need two asap. (be patient, i'm building it up.) we're told that two guys have been hired and will be starting soon. only one guy shows up and we get introduced. he's a very large man, about six three and in the two hundred plus range. when we walked into a dept to work on a computer, he was behind me and i walked up to the person saying "uh huh, say it now!" "now what?!?" just being silly cuz he's so big!! anyway back in our office we get to talkin and i find out he's about 10yrs older than me and has quite a bit of experience in the field. at some point he says that he's not sure why the Lord brought him here but he'll find out. the conversation continues and he says something about the Lord again. so ee head out to look at a computer in the dept i mentioned earlier and it happens to be a girl that i've mentioned on the blog before. she's grown so much in her walk with the Lord since we've met!! turns out they know each other! she recognized him and knew what city he was from and they realized they knew each other from church!! she knows his wife and they have other friends in common. she tells him how we (me and her) know each other and things take off from there. later i tell him that i feel like God sent him here for me, or at least thats part of it. lol. he teaches sunday school and is in the praise group at his church. he knows a woman who baby sat my son and may know my sister cuz she went to that church for awhile. he lives in the town i just moved from which is about 15 mins away and to top it off...he's into hhh!! what?!?! he knows some local artists cuz they've performed at his church and his wife has sang on a couple of their tracks. the artist is Disciple who's from boston and recently performed at a church i used to attend. isn't that crazy!?? he even had cd's on him for me to check out!! i'm gonna make a mix cd for his 10yr son cuz someone at a private christian school, lol, introduced him to a song by a secular artist named akon. his lyrics are not for 10yr olds and not for 10yr old christian boys. we discussed it and he's down with it. he uses the topical memory system for memorizing scripture, which is the same method i use, he just puts them on buisness cards. i just think it's amazing that a third christian has come to work here at my site and he seems to be a very solid brother for Christ. he studies the Word, looks up the original meaning of words to get a better understanding, which is something i've been doing also. it's exciting and has lifted me up already, and we've already had discussions about scripture and life experiences. God is good and i feel so undeserving of His blessings sometimes, know what i mean? but i'm glad and i'm hoping alot of iron sharpening iron will be going on.

i finally got shai linne's solus christus project!! it's a great cd and i love it. i've heard a few of the songs on hcr radio and on the internet so it's wasn't like a brand new cd but i love how it flows from one song to the next. the concepts were well put together and you could feel his heart on just about every song it seems. really for me, there's not one song i'd skip. dark night of the soul, my portion, mic check 1.2 with phanatik and stephen the levite and random thoughts are the songs that get played alot right now, angelz ft. evangel and tim brindle are also hot pieces. the best thing was i got the cd in a week!! i was thinking two maybe three weeks, especially since pay pal originally had the wrong mailing address for me and i had to send an email to lampmode to let them know. so my next pick up is gonna be the great awakening by timothy brindle. i've heard good things about that cd and i like timothy brindle alot so i'm sure i'll be fed by it and enjoy it. next on the list; to die is gain by stephen the levite and after the music stops by lecrae. i'm not sure which i'll get first. recently i've also picked up; living proof by zee, genocide by the yunion, in the meantime by bmorr and a few free singles here and there. i'm feeling all of the cd's i mentioned. bmorr surprised me, i really like his flow and topics. some songs that stand out for me are at the gates, self worship and life goes on. on zee's album heaven ain't got no ghetoo is a great song, and i can't remember the other titles from that cd cuz it's been awhile since i listened to it. the yunion cd is full of tight songs, great production and gritty beats and the skits were funny. ok, i think i'll call it a night, at least for blogging. check out my radio blog, dark night of the soul and my portion are up there, give them a listen.

He is such a mystery

2006-11-08T05:40:00.000-08:00

God is such a mystery to me. i go through periods of doubt and lots of questions and they push me away from Him. but eventually i go back to Him. and i can't explain it, of course i don't expect that i should. but i read His word and it affects me. there's always this "pull" to know more, to understand better. looking at doctrine, especially calvinism, i came up with lots of questions but i didn't pray for the answers to them. i looked for them in the Word, but i didn't really talk to Him about them. i actually got upset and it just made me question more. this is not a knock on that doctrine, just a statement on what little i looked into caused me to feel this way. is it me? is it something in me that says i'm not sure i agree with that? i think i'd struggle with things i find in the arminian doctrine also. who knows?? i stopped carrying and reading my bible on the train. my bag was feeling heavy and truthfully it does add weight when you factor in my laptop and lunch and other things i carry. but i grabbed it when i came in today, cuz i wanna read it again. hoping it'll help me have a better understanding of God. i think my perception of Him is off, that's the best way i can say it. but who does have the complete and correct view of Him?

anyway, i'm finding myself surrounded more and more by people who have some kind of relationship with the Lord and are wanting to have a better one. it's kinda weird, and i noticed it last night when i took stock of the conversations i'm having at work lately. one guy in particular caught me by surprise. me and another co-worker where talking about whether or not the Sabbath should be kept. actually i just made that statement that that is sometimes a debate-able topic for some people, and of course we kinda started debating over it. well the other person joins in and has some good stuff to add to the conversation in general. and we've talked since and it seems his heart is sincere cuz he talked about wanting his family to get saved too. he also talked about wanting to live a more obedient life and some of the struggles he's been having lately. another thing that came up was the need for a community of christians to help you and build you up in your walk. and i volunteered to try and help lift him up and told him we could try to build together!! whoa...where did that come from?? not my normal m.o. we'll see how things go. i told him that there are other christians i've come across in my "travels" through our work place and that some of us encourage each other.

He's a mystery. i'm still struggling in this walk, and i'm more willing to talk about my faith than ever before. i still have questions and push back alot, but i'm still hungry for Him. i try not to use terms that are common in Christendom but hungry is the best way to describe it right now. He is irresistable but in a subtle way, at least with me. i'm starting to babble now. just wanted to "write" my thoughts while i had the time and the urge.

A Stubborn Little Lamb

2006-11-07T05:57:00.000-08:00

A Stubborn Little Lamb
Tuesday, November 7, 2006 by Anabel Gillham

As for God, His way is blameless.
Psalm 18:30

For the Lord your God is a compassionate God.
Deuteronomy 4:31

Whom He foreknew, He also predestined
to become conformed to the image of His Son.
Romans 8:29

I am confident of this very thing, that
He who began a good work in you will
perfect it.
Philippians 1:6

"Cmon, Buttons, you can do it! Jump! Hey, you're supposed to go over the poles,not try to knock them down with your head! Jump! Please jump!"

Sherrie watched as the lamb tried every way to get around or under the hurdle rather than to jump over it. He was dirty and completely exhausted, and she was dirty and completely exhausted.

It was only three months until the first competition, and this stubborn Buttons adamantly refused to do what she knew must be done in order to win. She picked him up and put him over the barricade. She guided him through her legs and arms, making a tunnel that would be his only way to go. No success. She was dealing with an obstinate, stupid, rebellious little sheep.

This wasn't the first time Sherrie had entered a lamb in the livestock show, but it was the first time she had experienced such difficulty in training an animal that was bent on bucking someone so much bigger and smarter than he was. And she wasn't doing anything that would hurt him . . . only what it would take to make him into a prizewinning sheep.

Sherrie had tried everything to get him to go through this simple routine that was needed to strengthen his hindquarters. It was an important point in the judging, so she was obviously going to have to take more drastic measures. She had put his food on the other side of the hurdle and the silly little lamb still balked. In fact, he nearly wore himself out trying to get under the hurdle.

What to do? "Well, Ill just put in more barriers to where he can't possibly get under the barricade or go around it. He will have to go over it! Why he's so determined to go against what I have planned for him, and where he got it into his little brain that I'm trying to hurt him or that I'm doing something that will ruin his life, is beyond me."

All of us like sheep have gone astray,
Each of us has turned to his own way.
Isaiah 53:6

Hmmmmm. I think I understand a little better now why were sometimes compared to sheep in Your Word.

My head is throbbing from trying to knock my problems out of the way. I'm weary. Exhausted. Bewildered. And why am I so determined that what You allow to come into my life is meant to hurt me or to wreck my plans, when Your only purpose is to make me into a prizewinning sheep?

Im sorry, Lord. Thank You for working so hard with me. And I'm very thankful to know that You aren't going to give up on me.

My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.
John 10:27

Come to think of it, You're the only One who knows the date of the competition. Maybe You're working overtime on some of us?

hmmmm....that's me right now....
from today's devotional at life time guarantee

so much to say....

2006-10-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

and not enough time that's a (redeemed thought) song. sorry, been real busy at work and right now i don't have internet access at home. i had so many thoughts that i wanted to put down this week. thoughts on God's sovereignty and His purpose in our lives. ummm...our purpose as a whole, kinda like "why are we here?" questions, i guess that's what you call them. observations that i have about how we as Christians interact with one another. also some thoughts on my own inner turmoil. why my inner man resists God so much, but at the same time there's a burning desire to live for God (it's so tiring). but time has not allowed it. i'm considering taking a break from HCR and spending more time discovering God for myself. i've been doing alot of reading there and taking alot of what i observe in, trying to learn and grow. but there's alot to muddle through. so to my legion of readers (lololol) sorry i haven't posted in a minute. but i will leave you with this thought. have you ever asked yourself or thought to ask God:

what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him? - psalm 8:4

i've asked myself that question alot lately. especially in light of how corrupt we are. like my man phanatik says "i'm buggin how God ain't flamin up the oven yet". in a day and age when men are going into schools and killing little girls, and kids are going into school killing each other and sometimes anyone in their sight, and all the evil that is so prevelant in this world, what is it about us that God is mindful of us. mindful enough to send His Son to die for us??

theology and doctrine hmmm

2006-09-21T13:16:00.000-07:00

i've been a believer for quite some time, since i was a young child. but it wasn't until recently that i became aware of theology and doctrine. i mean i've heard those words before, but that's all they were. well not really, i knew they meant something but wasn't sure exactly what and i didn't know their importance. well thanks mostly to alot of the reading i do at holycultureradio.com forum, i'm starting to do some investigating. it's mostly due to alot of the debates that have been going on at the message board, mostly around Calvinism and Arminianism. more of that kinda talk is done at the general theology board. right nowthis one in particular is pretty good and people are talking without throwing insults around. it's a much better read then some of the previous threads. now when it comes to which group i may fall under, i wouldn't say that i am one or the other, but if it came down to it, i'd probably be considered Arminian. some of the discussions that go on at the site, i've had with other friends to some degree, but nothing like these guys. there's alot of talk about church history and stuff i've just never heard of. but just like the discussions i've had with the guys, it's caused me to dig deeper, which is good, cuz i need to spend more time in the Word and in prayer. the good thing about not being involved in the dicusssions on the board for me is that i don't go into the Word with the mindset that i'm gonna prove someone else wrong. i am earnestly seeking though, to see if what this or that person says lines up with Scripture. i'm also just trying to get know God better. it's sooo much though man, all the doctrinal beliefs, alot of heady stuff, lots of terms to learn and some of the writers (writers of doctrine) were from different time periods so i have to get through their different way of speaking or writing as it were. hopefully this lasts for me, cuz i can get really into something then either just drop it or slowly fade out of it. but the desire is there now and it really stems from a desire to know God and to be the man He intends me to be. but it's time to go, gotta train to catch!!

me and the homeless

2006-09-18T13:06:00.000-07:00

i have an issue with the homeless that i see pretty much daily during my commute to and from work. first let start off by saying i worked in a homeless shelter for 7yrs. it was a shelter for homeless, mentally ill substance abusers. so i am familiar with the community. most shelters make the clients leave the shelter for the day, usually there's some activities they can go to or other programs. my issue is i see the same homeless people just about everyday in the same spot with their cups out. and i don't know if it's cuz i've experienced that community of people up close or just something ugly inside me but i get kinda angry seeing them there every day. sorry if that sounds harsh. but i saw a dude out there who i've seen for about a year now with new sneakers on! i dunno, but i wonder what my response should be. it's not like i've got money to spare really. i really don't. but at the same time, as a christian how should my heart be responding? it just seems suspect to see them in the same spot every day with their cups out. when it's a game day more homeless come out and they find strategic places to sit. one guy on crutches stands and holds the door to the commuter rail station open with a cup in his other hand. c'mon now, talk about pulling on your heart strings.

Proverbs 21:13
If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor,he too will cry out and not be answered.

Proverbs 28:27
He who gives to the poor will lack nothing, but he who closes his eyes to them receives many curses.

Proverbs 19:17
He who is kind to the poor lends to the LORD, and he will reward him for what he has done.

my concern is what are they using that money for? i don't want to contribute to any "habits". i don't wanna be one of many being exploited.

i do give though. i don't give as often as i see them, cuz that's every day but i do give and i'd like to be able to give more. or to take someone out to lunch or breakfast. get to know their story maybe. that would be a good thing to do. maybe some day i'll be that kind of person or i'll go with someone else who is. eh who knows. i do know i'd like to not feel such a tug of war when i see a homeless person, not feel so annoyed. i think the work i did in the homeless shelter also effects my thinking and when i remember that alot of them have some sort of mental illness, it's something else to consider. i also know it's by God's grace i'm not in that position and i hope to have a softer heart some day.

Learning To Walk

2006-09-08T05:14:00.000-07:00

Today's Devotion from Our Daily Bread

Learning To Walk

I remember those days long ago when our children were learning to walk. First they showed their readiness by pulling themselves up and taking a tentative step or two. My wife and I would reach out our hands and encourage them to walk toward us. We held them up by their hands or by the suspenders on their overalls. We praised every effort and encouraged every attempt. We never grew discouraged, nor did we give up until they learned to walk.

So it is with our heavenly Father: He “taught [Israel] to walk” (Hos. 11:3). He took His children “by their arms” and “drew them with gentle cords, with bands of love” (vv.3-4).

Our heavenly Father stands before us with outstretched arms, encouraging us toward holiness, eager to catch us when we stumble. He picks us up when we fall. He is never discouraged with our progress, nor will He ever give up. The more difficult we find the process, the more care and kindness He expends.

George MacDonald put it this way: “God will help us when we cannot walk, and He will help us when we find it hard to walk, but He cannot help us if we will not walk.” Even though you fall, you must try again. Your Father holds you by the hand. —David H. Roper

Savior, let me walk beside Thee,
Let me feel my hand in Thine;
Let me know the joy of walking
In Thy strength and not in mine. —Sidebotham

We can’t run the Christian race until we learn to walk.

just what i needed to hear today. in my heart i want so badly to live for God. live a life that's pleasing to Him. not one that just appears that way from the outside. i know my heart and it needs work. i keep trying to do it my way and rely on my own strength and i fail every time, and with the quickness too! but i'm trying to communicate more with Him and i feel a strong desire to know Him more, to know what it really means to have the heart and mind of Christ.
i'm getting back into my scripture memorization. at first the verses i was memorizing were about living the christian life, i think now i'm going to try and memorize scripture that speaks of God's love for me. alot of times in my mind i think He's sitting and waiting for me to mess up, as if He's against me. but i know that's not true. this is the first one i'm going to add to my list;

Psalms 84:11 For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.

it's kinda funny that timothy brindle quotes this verse in "blessings of obedience" from the killing sin album, and i was planning on looking it up. then while doing a search on purity on desiringgod.org this week, this was a verse that i came up on.
so for now, i think my memory verses will focus a little more on His promises. ok, i have some work to do. i'll be back (you know...said like arnold schwarzenegger)

new music on the radio blog

2006-09-07T13:22:00.000-07:00

Finally!! i've been slacking with this blog as a whole, but the radioblog hasn't had anything new for a hot minute! Some music from Smokie Norful, who i just discovered. well, i've seen his album cover a while back but i was too immersed in my discovery of hhh at the time, lol. then a friend let me listen to his cd and i love what i hear. so technically i didn't discover him, but i digress. hehe. umm, there's a new song from this cat named BDill, check him out on his myspace page. then there's a song from the 116 Clique, one of my fav praise songs. i can't wait to get lecrea's latest, "after the music stops"!! i've heard snippets and i think this will be a cd that will be on heavy rotation once i get it. i love that song "jesus musik". i haven't mentioned it yet, i don't think i have anyway, but i've met some christians here at work and we've been building and we share a love for music. one of my friends loves gospel music and has turned me on to a few artists, Smokie being one of them, so i'm even closer to expanding my musical horizons and changing my music collection. i'm still sooo behind, still haven't picked up the solus christus project by shaii linne, and the great awakening by timothy brindle and why hiphop 2k6. and now cross movement has chronicles greatest hits vol.1 out, and i still haven't gotten metamorphasis by j.r. after hearing some tedashi i think i could possibly like his cd kingdom people too, and Trip Lee's project if they only knew, i like his flow. hmmm...let's see...then there's r-swifts' album, revolutionary theme musik, and stephen the levite's new solo joint, to die is gain, which i have a feeling will have some meaty stuff on it. oohh, there's more but right now, those are on the top of my list. then i'll have to pick up some gospel cd's...i'll list those another time.

What do You See?

2006-09-06T11:39:00.001-07:00

i love this song, and seeing someone made a video to go with it....love it. Powerful song and the video just adds to it. i haven't seen the movie yet (gasp...i know) but i do planning on seeing it. this was hard to watch though but it's something we as believers should consider and remember.

a brief summer update

2006-09-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

the summer is almost over and it was a pretty good summer. we didn't spend any time at the cape this summer like previous summers. i haven't spoken to my friend that runs the hotel we stay at which is unlike us. i haven't spoken to him all summer. i need to contact him to say what's up. i noticed he hasn't been calling since about january and for awhile i got that weird feeling like there was a reason. but i've seen him since then and everything seemed to be cool. but i need to reach out and make sure everything is cool.

my wife and i kept pretty busy and going to the cape may have been more of a hassle at times. with gas prices being as high as they are and us struggling financially it would have hurt us more than anything. especially since she ended up getting fired from her first nursing position after graduating. it's a long story and it wasn't a just firing. she could've easily sued since it was due to some medical issues she was having that caused her to miss some work. she disclosed this to her supervisor and didn't get a warning or anything. she had to ask if she was being fired!! she had worked for this hospital for 4 yrs as a nurse's aid, worked during her pregancy and even did double-shifts during her pregnancy. but it all worked out because we had company for most of august into july.

my dad came up and stayed with us for two weeks and then my sister came up the day after he left and stayed for ten days. if she was working she wouldn't have gotten to spend any time with either of them, and they might not have gotten to spend too much time with junior, the main reason they came to visit. it was the first time my dad was meeting his grandson and the second time my sister was seeing her nephew since he was born. so july was pretty booked up for us. my wife got a job at a higher pay rate at a different hospital and she loves the job. also it's a faith based hospital that refuses to do abortions and offers spiritual couseling which she is happy about. when she was at the other job she used to offer to pray for or with patients and most people were receptive to it. anyway she's happier here now and it's all worked out, she says getting fired was the best thing to happen. we've also had some other things going on, medical issues with her that i may get into another time.

working out has been going well, and i'll be joining the local Gold's gym which i'm pretty excited about. for the first time ever i worked out for a full year and i've definetly made some gains. except for taking a week or two off here and there either due to illness or just needing rest i was very consistent. and i've done pretty good with the nutrition side of it too. i put on some unwanted fat but since working out at Gold's i've been able to drop some of it without sacrificing lean body mass. i've been working out at Gold's for the past two weeks, they had a special going where anyone could work out there for a month for free.

it's just about lunch time for me, i'll post some more later, if not today, hopefully tomorrow. my walk has still been a struggle for me, maybe i can put some of into writing. meanwhile, check it - i loved this comic book character when i was into comic books for a brief moment in time and low behold...it's me! lol

Dedicated to Me

2006-09-06T06:05:00.000-07:00

You lightly broke your solemn vows to me,yet I will keep the pledge I made to you when you were young.I will establish an everlasting covenant with you forever.Ezekiel 16: 59-60 TLB

I see myself in that verse of scripture. The day that I followed my Dad to the front of the First Christian Church of Poteau, Oklahoma and gave my heart to Jesus, I entered into a "solemn vow" with Him. Numerous times since that day I have, with tears and sincere regret, renewed that solemn vow—only to "lightly break that vow" again in a time of frustration, anger, self-protection, weariness, or doubt.
But the Person with whom I made that agreement when I was twelve years old says, "It's all right, Anabel. I'm not going to back out of the covenant we made. I'm going to keep all of My promises to you. We're different—You and me. You can trust Me, dear one. I won't break the vows I made with you."
You know, I've counseled a lot of married people. Sometimes one of the twosome is trying—everything possible—to make the marriage work, to make it the beautiful relationship that God created it to be. But for that to happen, both of them have to commit themselves to trying to make their union something special, and then beauty begins to come. Then love is renewed. Then the relationship becomes all that it is supposed to be.
In my covenant with the Lord, He is doing His very best to make our relationship all that He longs for it to be. I'm the one putting sand in the gears. I'm the one who is chasing other ways for fulfillment and I confess, "It's me, Lord. And I am so sorry."
As recently as yesterday I went to the front of the Church at the invitation of the pastor to pray. How sweet it was to be there—as close to prostrate as I dared to get in front of everyone who might have been looking. Once again I declared my love by this overt action, and my commitment as a Believer; I was acknowledging His authority and His majesty by kneeling and once again I renewed my solemn vow.
Thank You for being the Person of integrity that You are. Your love, your faithfulness, your dedication to me are absolutely marvelous!
Your steadfast love, O Lord, is as great as all the heavens.(That's beyond our ability to grasp, isn't it?)Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.(Beyond the clouds? No way can I imagine that.)Your justice is as solid as God's mountains.(I have never analyzed the "solidness" of a mountain, have you?)Your decisions are as full of wisdom as the oceans are with water.(Quite a comparison, isn't it?)You are concerned for men and animals alike.How precious is Your constant love, O God!Psalm 36: 5-7 (TLB)
What seems to be a minor infraction to me—lightly breaking the solemn vow I made with You—is a very major infraction with You. Help me to see that, Lord.

- Wednesday, September 6, 2006 by Anabel Gillham

LifetimeGaurantee.com

holy culture

2006-08-18T16:55:00.000-07:00

i've been reading alot lately on the holy cul ture radio forum"build" message board and maaan...it's been kinda, ummm, i don't even know what to say without sounding harsh or judgemental. there's alot of theology that gets discussed on that board. even though it's called the "build board", it doesn't quite have that spirit. and i guess to get straight to the point, i don't care if you're right and you know without a doubt you're right, if you don't come at someone humbly with what you believe it's nothing but a "resounding gong" (1 Corinthians 13:1).

i guess that's a part of the human nature and i understand that when you're having a discussion online you can't hear the inflection of the other person or see they're face. but words themselves are powerful. words on a paper can start a war, know what i mean? so it should be well thought out before it's typed. and i feel that doing it in a "public" setting, ie, the message board instead of by private message doesn't help. things are probably worked out in a calmer way by private message, because you don't have other people interjecting their thoughts, or even changing the topic in the pm's. don't get me wrong, i really enjoy that site and i read that board in particular more than any other. i've learned a lot from reading that board and in some way i believe it's helping me in my walk. i read it enough to see the very distinct personalities of some of the members.

i'm a "lurker" but once in a great while i might stick my head in and say something. for now i'd rather observe. it's very interesting, it's educational, and i've learned alot from what members post. i don't know if this is how it is on all message boards, but there is alot of head butting that goes on and i wouldn't want to get caught up in it, and as an emotional being i know that it would happen. i don't mean that in the sense that i get easily excited, i just mean that as a human we let our emotions get the best of us more than we realize, even with the best intensions in mind.

right now my focus is on my relationship with the Lord. i feel He's really reaching out to me and i'm trying to respond and stay focused. and it's very hard for me to stay as consistent as i'd like. the site overall has definetly helped, it's been encouraging. encouraging to see that there are a people that i can relate to, who are younger than me and have such a zeal for God, and a thirst for knowlegde and love music. even though its a Christian hip-hop site, members have talked about other genres of music that they're into. so it's inspiring. there are plenty of times that i wanna join in and get to know a few members. but i'm a pretty quiet person, who in real life isn't the guy who announces that he's arrived at the party. i like to lay low and observe, you can learn alot about people when you do that. of course there's nothing like getting to know someone by talking to them and i love to do that too. but for now, and right now i think for me, it's best i just sit back in the cut and watch and learn and keep trying to grow.

not defeated

2006-07-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

A Sinner-Defeated? Or A Saint-Completed?

Oh, please!
Listen to what I am saying.
You are deceived as I once was.
For me to be a "saint" was a lost
a hopeless cause.
Satan badgered me,
belittled me,
and blamed me for each infraction
large or small,
until he had thoroughly convinced me
that I wasn't a righteous saint at all!
My thoughts and my emotions were puppets in his scheme
to persuade me
that a life of victory was an elusive dream.
"Me? A new creation? A saint?
Oh sure! The day I die.
But for now I'm doomed to know defeat
no matter how hard I try."
"I just can't do it!"
"I am so unhappy."
"I'm so far from what He intends me to be."
These thoughts kept running through my brain and
Satan was controlling me.
How it must have grieved my precious Jesus
to know I listened-I believed.
When "in Him" I have been made righteous-a saint!
But I was so deceived.
Praise God! At last I've seen! I know!
I am a saint, clean and forgiven!
I am accepted in the Beloved and seated in God's heaven.
I am beyond reproach. I am holy.
I'm altogether lovely, redeemed, alive in Him!
It's true!
I know that I'm blameless, righteous, and complete.
And my dear Believer, so are you.

(www.lifetime.org )

i've fallen into this trap myself. and i'm trying to climb out of it now. my frustration with my weakness leads me to think "i'm so far from where He intends me to be". i also think about how long it's been since i asked Christ into my heart and the deep disappointment i feel that i haven't been a better follower since then. there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about the Lord and the desire i have to please Him, but i fall short, very short. and i'm a father now. i wanna be a good example for my son. i also feel that i should be a better example for my wife. hopefully i can get back on track soon. i'm going to try and take it one day at a time. so today is a new day and the goal for today is to live a life that is pleasing to Him today. Each day has enough trouble of it's own (Matthew 6:34), so maybe if i take on that mindset, and live out one day at a time, as if He were coming back that day....live for Him, then maybe i will do better. the other thing is i have to stop trying to do it in my own strength and remember that God says "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (II Corinthians 12:9)

i'm around

2006-06-05T09:40:00.000-07:00

i haven't been up to blogging much lately. for one, my laptop has been giving me some serious grief here at work and i think i'm going to end up getting it replaced. also we've been extremely busy so that's gotten in the way and i'm pretty busy once i get home too. AND, i just haven't felt up to blogging. i'm very unhappy with my job right now, and that puts me in a sour mood and i'm still struggling with my walk. ugh. my devotion time has been cut into due to work being so busy and i dunno what happened but i just started feeling discouraged. and it's been a hard place to get out of. and sometimes that makes me angry. i hate the struggle, i hate that sometimes everything feels like its a matter of life and death. so i'm here, just trying to K.I.T. (keep it together). i got that from a steve martin/eddie murphy move. the movie is bowfinger and was surprisingly funny. i don't think i ever pictured those two doing a movie together AND it actually being funny. but it had me and the wife crackin' up and we still quote lines from it once in awhile.

so like i said, i'm struggling. pray for me. hopefully things will start to look up soon.

now playing

2006-05-18T10:01:00.000-07:00

i've often wondered what it will be like when God judges us. and sometimes i had a similar vision in my mind of it being done in front of everyone. oy...i hope not. cuz this cartoon is a good illustration of what my reaction would be when my story comes up.

on the good news front, my wife had her graduation ceremony yesterday! she graduated from nursing school with honors and high honors!! i'm very proud of her and happy for her. it's a big accomplishment, especially considering she was a c- student in college. and in the 4 yrs of her going, we've had a miscarriage, a pet passed away (that was like a child to her), she found out she has a heart condition, her mother passed away, we moved, and she had a baby! that's alot to go through and maintain a high grade point average. she had her ceremonies and started working today. she still has to take her state boards in june and should be working as a certified r.n. by july if she passes the state boards (which i'm confident she will).

Little Pilgrim

2006-05-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

i think this devotion below could be applied to "older" pilgrams too. i haven't been feeling too "up" the last few days. just strugglin with my walk...with my obedience. it's got me down right now, to be honest. maybe i should print this devotion out and put it somewhere like my fridge. to my legions of readers (sarcasm righ thurr), pray for this bruh. i get so tired of the struggle. when i think of all the years that i've been a believer, i feel like i should be in such a different place in my walk. i could cry right now. don't mean to be a downer, but that's where i'm at right now. and unfortunately, when i'm feeling like this, it manafests itself as anger. usually anger at the world, so i don't wanna talk to anyone, don't even like people looking at me and i look angry, it takes everything in me not to be cold when i'm interacting with people when i feel like this. isn't that terrible? hopefully i'll start to feel better soon. the one thing about feeling like this now, is i realize that i used to be like this ALL THE TIME. well, most of the time anyway. that dark cloud started to leave me when i started trying to get closer to the Lord. like Tonic says in "Closer to You"...

God, I say you're the greatest light of my life
Your cross, the greatest sight of my life
When I believed, the greatest night of my life
Since then, its the greatest fight of my life, to get at You
That's why I'm so glad you dont do it like ... I
Patience and love, you dont do it like ... I
Forgiveness and stuff, you dont do it like ... I

Little Pilgrim
Wednesday, May 3, 2006 by Anabel Gillham
Hi, Pilgrim. You've set out on a fascinating journey with your commitment to Jesus Christ as a new Believer. That means you are my brother or my sister and I love you and am so proud of you. Welcome to God's Forever Family! Now you, with your newfound sainthood and shiny halo may be thinking, "I can do anything! Look out, world. Here I come!" Your enthusiasm knows no bounds. You are ready, willing, and amazingly able! (You think!)

May I exhort you, Little Pilgrim: You are a new-born infant--be careful about volunteering for the front line, putting yourself in battle before you have been trained for battle! Some of us have walked many, many miles with the Lord and it isn't that we are smarter--we have just turned the pages of our Bible more than you have, underlined and memorized a lot of verses, and spent hours with our amazing Father. We have been trained (we never graduate!) and given the challenge of taking care of our younger family members.

If someone were to ask, "What are some of the most important principles of your new walk?" What would you advise a new pilgrim to center on? I believe there are some vital truths you need to know for your welfare. Let me give you five important ones:

1. You are never alone no matter what your circumstances may be:
"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand" (Isaiah 41:10).

"The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed" (Deuteronomy 31:8).

2. You do not face your battles--He does. He lives in you to face life for you. Read that again, slowly. Again! Again!
"You need not fight in this battle; station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf" (2 Chronicles 20:17).

"I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing" (John 15:5).

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).

You may feel lonely and abandoned. You may feel like you have more than you can bear. No. That is not true. It may seem that He has deserted you, but this is never, never, never true. It may seem that the road ahead is too dark, too steep, and too slick--you can't make it. You don't have to "make it." He never intended that you should TRY to "make it." He now lives in you and will face these scary, steep, slick, dark places for you! He tells us, "I want you to trust Me in your times of trouble so I can rescue you and you can give Me glory" (Ps. 50:15b).

3. You are loved--more than you could have ever dreamed of being loved.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness" (Jeremiah 31:3).

"May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love; and may you be able to feel and understand, as all God's children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high His love really is; and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it" (Ephesians 3:17-19 TLB).

4. You are forgiven--totally--of past, present, and future sins. You stand in His presence, CLEAN! Tell yourself that emphatically!
"When you were dead in your transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our transgressions, having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross" (Colossians 2:13-14).

"I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, And I will not remember your sins" (Isaiah 43:25).

5. You are a new person because of Jesus Christ and His death and resurrection. You died with Him and you were born again with Him--raised to walk as the new creation He has made you.
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me" (Galatians 2:20).

Conclusion? When you feel like saying, "I am so lonely," read #1 five times!

When you feel like saying, "I cannot DO this!" Read #2 ten times!

When you feel like saying, "No one cares about me! Nobody loves me." Read #3 again and again.

When you feel like saying, "How could He love me? I've done so many bad things!" Read #4 over and over again!

When you feel like saying, "I'm not any different! Look at me. I'm the same old insecure, frightened, inferior person I've always been." Read #5 again, and again . . ..

These are His basic truths for facing life. Ron Dunn gave this analogy. When a baby is born, he is equipped with everything he needs for facing his new world; he just has to learn to use all of his appendages. You don't wait until he is ready to walk, take him to the doctor and say, "Screw his legs on--he's ready to walk." The Bible tells us that God has given us everything we need for living in our world--we must learn to use what HE has so graciously given us (2 Peter 1:3).

Now, Little Pilgrim, don't be so audacious as to infer that God is a liar--which we do when we don't believe what He has said to us and refuse to take those words into our heart, making them our compass. These promises refer to you now. You are a Believer--one who believes. Think about these five truths. Set your mind on them. Thank Him for these truths that He has given you that you might be trained to face your world. With these tucked away in your thinking processes you can courageously declare: "Look out world! Here I come."

taken from Lifetime Guarantee

life by the spirit

2006-04-26T10:07:00.000-07:00

i'm trying to learn how to live by the Spirit.

"but the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, against such things there is no law" - Gal 5:22-23.

that is one of my memory verses and i'm going to try thinking of that verse when the "old me" is rearing his ugly head. i realize that the harder you try to get closer to God, the enemy really comes at you, in subtle and not so subtle ways. there is is so much to say on the subject and obviously Paul talks about it alot in Romans, Galations, I and II Corinthians...etc. i kinda don't have the time now, i'm still at work and have about an hour left before it's time to go home, and once i'm home...fogetaboutit, wifey and the boy will want daddy's attention. maybe tonight when i get home from the gym. at any rate, i'm feelin the heat of the battle for my soul, and i'm trying to learn how to put on the whole armor.

"The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature." - Romans 13:12-14

giving Him your all

2006-04-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting at home. i'm not really happy about that. i can't afford to go to church cuz gas costs so much, and we're broke and need to be very conservative with where we drive. driving to church will eat up the gas. i put 15$ in my tank yesterday and didn't even get a half tank! argh! i'd really like to start goin on a regular basis and i feel guilty about not going more than i do.

anyway i was doing some reading of various scriptures based on a study on ways to fight temptation. and all the scriptures point to Jesus. and i understand that He is the One to follow, our example. but a question i've had is how do you do that? how do you get there? how do you give yourself fully?? how do u trust Him in all you do?? is it always a struggle? sometimes i feel the weight of "trying". actually i feel that weight often. the spiritual battle wears on me.

i believe i'm growing and i believe i'll mature even more. just the fact that i'm asking these questions and that i want to do better in this relationship. but i guess it's like that cd, or book or something that you ordered, you're excited about it and you're waiting for it to get delivered. you know it'll be there soon, but you want it now. i understand that it can take time, but it gets frustrating.

the funny thing is i can talk to kim and she will ask a question about a certain subject and i can come up with a biblical answer. i can use examples from the bible to show how God dealt with something or what He says about different topics but i have the hardest time applying it that way in my own walk.

interesting

2006-04-19T07:26:00.000-07:00

it's interesting that at one time the whole world spoke one language and with the ability to speak to same the language we had the potential to do anything (Gen 11:6). well, anything but thwart the plans of God. His command was to be fruitful, increase in number and fill the earth (Gen 9:1), but somehow we always seem to forget God's mandates for us and go with our own ideas (Gen 11:4).

i often wonder how it is that man in general thinks that he can be independent. it's not like one day we just decided to be born. its not like we really have any control over circumstances in our lives, no matter how hard we try. i can barely control getting out of the house on time for my train every morning! i can plan and have my clothes laid out, lunch cooked and packed, showered and shaved the night before and still end up rushing out. why? becuz something i didn't plan on may still happen. like not being able to find a sock i thought i put out, or a hat cuz it's raining and rain wasn't in the forecast. something that small can effect all the plans i had. and getting out of the house on time to catch a train is a small thing compared to the many challenges that come up in our life time!! it boggles my mind that other people can look at the human body and not think that Someone much greater created them. forget the whole human body, how about just the eye and how it works!! or how about that we have a waste management system!?!? or how about thumbs?? hehe. what a great God!! i guess what i'm getting at is if God can create us with such complexity then why is it we always seem to think we know better?

more and more i'm trying to submit myself to the Lord, cuz more and more i'm realizing that He has my best interests at heart, He's not trying to hold me back or keep me from enjoying this life. maybe, just maybe, if i do things according to His plan, i'll see that if plans i made didn't work out it was becuz it didn't work out the way i planned.

When the Pressure is On

2006-04-13T07:07:00.000-07:00

Romans 5:1-5

What makes a shiny apple look so delicious? The skin, of course. But what is it about an apple that actually makes it delicious? The juice and substance inside. That's the apple's real "character."

I learned this as a boy watching my mom make applesauce. With a wooden pestle, she would mash the soft, boiled pieces of apple through a metal colander and into a bowl, until all that remained in the colander were drab, flattened skins. But oh, the sauce tasted so good!

God uses life's pressures to bring out the sweetness of Christlike character in us. Tribulation (which means "pressure" in the Greek) also helps us realize the awful potential of our sin nature and see it for what it is—ugly and tasteless. Under pressure, all kinds of sins begin to surface—greed, selfishness, lust, pride.

Pressure, whether from without or from an unrealistic perfectionism within, is a fact of our fallen world. God controls its intensity and duration so that we can recognize, confess, and renounce those fleshly "skins" that obscure Christ's character in us.

Tribulation is not something anyone seeks. But when it comes, the Holy Spirit will use it to create in us perseverance, character, and hope (Romans 5:3-4)

Today's devotional from Our Daily Bread

could you imagine!!?? LOL

2006-04-13T05:50:00.000-07:00

you never know who's listening

2006-04-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

yesterday a few of us who are christians, as well as a Jehova's Witness were on the train discussing the latest verson of the ten commandments showing on abc this week. just in case anyone is wondering, the general opinion of the show was it wasn't worth watching. i personally thought it had some really bad acting and it didn't stay true to the bible. that's a big surprise (said w/sarcasm). honestly i thought it was garbage. anyway, from there we discussed the movie "The Passion of the Christ" and went on to some other topics, like purity, music, and the influence of porn, even within the body of Christ. just as we got to my stop, a woman came up to us and said it was so pleasant to hear people talking about our Lord Jesus Christ unashamedly on the train. she said it was refreshing. it turned out that one of the people in our group goes to the same church as her. she was getting off at the same stop as me, so i caught up with her and asked her if we were too loud and she said we weren't any louder than anyone else having a conversation. she just happened to be close enough to hear what we were talking about and was glad to hear that kind of a conversation. it felt so good to hear that, it gave me chills. they were different chills though, can't explain it, just real good chills...lol. i told her that two years ago i wouldn't have been having that kind of conversation on the train. it kinda gave me a glimpse of where i was and where i am now. it's my desire to grow and mature in the Lord and it was my prayer just about two years ago at the altar in church. i told God i was tired of living off of milk and wanted to move on to meat. wow...did He ever answer that prayer!! i'll have to go into detail on another post. but it was nice to get a compliment from someone instead of weird or annoyed looks that we get sometimes when we talk about God or church.

another good thing about yesterday was i was listening to my mp3 player and one of the guys asked me what i was listening to. this gave me an opportunity to try and turn him away from listening to secular music. we've talked about it before and i made a cd for him that he really enjoyed. so i let him know that i had expanded my horizons and found other artist besides cross movement to listen to. he even remembered the name of the group, which surprised me. i already started making a new cd for him a week or two ago and i asked him if it was ok yesterday and he was all for it. so hopefully i'll have it done by friday and i'll see him and can pass it on to him. i'm very particular about the cd's i make for people. i usually have the person i'm making it for in mind, in terms of their personality and there's usually a message hidden in the cd. he knows that so much of what is being played on the radio is Godless and really doesn't promote a lifestyle that would be pleasing to God. hopefully this'll influence him some more to turn from it. he loves rap, so maybe i can get him really turned on to christian rap and he'll see that christian rappers have skills and they glorify God in their music, not money, sex, drugs, violence or themselves! i'm working on the cd now, but i haven't been to happy with the flow, so i'm gonna work out the kinks today and tomorrow.

by the way, if i haven't mentioned it already, i LOVE timothy brindle's cd killing sin!! for me it is such a convicting cd, at some points in listening to it, it made me sad cuz i could see that i still had a long way to go in my walk. but its an excellent cd and right now, i know its early but i'd say its my favorite cd for '06. it flows well, the beats are hot, the lyrics are hot and overall it flows really well. it's almost like listening to a story. if you love christian hip hop, its a must have!! shai linne's cd "the Solo Christus project". after that i'll get "the great awakening" by timothy brindle then i'm not sure what i'll get next. i just listened to the snippets for Genocide by the Yunion and i'll admit i was sleepin on that cd till i heard the snippets!! arrrgghhh!! so much to catch up on! i'm not worried about it...in time....in time.

some quiet time

2006-04-06T06:59:00.000-07:00

yesterday i had to cover another site and it was a blessing!! it's a quiet site so i had plenty of time to just chill. most of the "chillin'" i did was quiet time with the Lord. i usually have music playin throughout the day at work and i don't think i played any yesterday. i spent time reading or watching stuff about the Lord.
i found this on cyberanger's blog. i watched most of it and i also read the book of Ephesians. i was surprised when i finished the book cuz i was finished before i knew it. i know it's a small book but i didn't rush through the reading and i read alot of the study notes in my bible that went along with each chapter. i'm lovin my new bible btw. i plan to read Ephesians again and maybe find a good bible study for Ephesians. i also had some prayer time and i feel refreshed today (even with just 5 hours of sleep). its good to read God's Word, it's good to study and to try to get to know Him better. i also have some memory verses that i've been working on for a long time that i reviewed and i think i'm ready to add another one or two. i think this will be my newest verse to memorize:

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. - II Peter 1:5-8

for some reason that verse stood out to me about a week or two ago when i was doing some reading. i'll memorize those verses first, then the ones that proceed it that say: His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. it may seem backwards to do it that way but that's the way i'm goin for now. some other verses i'd like to add are: Gal 5:16-17, 24-25, II Tim 2:15, (i actually started that one awhile back, but somehow it got lost in the shuffle).

Here's a list of what i've memorized so far:
Proverbs 1:7
Psalms 51:10
2 Corinthians 5:17
Galatians 2:20
Romans 12:1,2
Colossians 3:1-3
Galatians 5:22-23
Joshua 1:8
Proverbs 15:1
1 Corinthians 6:12
Proverbs 25:28

i chose these verses becuz i felt like they would be the kind of verses i needed to keep in mind to be serious about my walk. i say i chose them, but i do feel like it was more like i was lead to choose them.

i have a notebook/journal i use sometimes and i created flash cards in Ms Word, then printed them, cut them out and pasted them into the journal. this way when i'm on the train i can go over them and easily find them if i'm having trouble with a verse. here's an example of what the flash cards look like:

i got the idea of the format of the card from the Topical Memory System. of course i can't find where i got the idea for the formatting of the card, but there is online version here that i just found hehe.

this walk is a process, but when i have days like yesterday, then talk to my wife or (anyone who wants to listen hehe) about what i've learned or what stood out to me, its nice to feel like you've grown a little closer to the Lord.

wouldn't you know that by the time i got home yesterday i was starting to get into a bad mood, and i know where that came from. something really small set me off and i started to get angrier and angrier in my spirit, but i realized why or should i say who was really behind it and i apologized and moved on. it was good to do that, cuz i didn't let that take away from the time i spent with the Lord earlier that day.

what a relief!!

2006-04-06T05:42:00.000-07:00

this ryhme came to mind when i put up the previous post. i'll put the song in the radioblog.

Ahh, what a relief it is to be in Jesus
I fooled you with the FUBU and baggies without the creases
My chief is Jesus
got's to know him is my thesis
Without Jesus even Reeses can't know what peace is
Seek us and you'll see us
truth seekers
Youth reachers· paired up like two sneakers
True preachers, louder than 22 speakers
If you peep us, you get nothin' new JESUS!
You know we live among tough guys
who say they rough ride
But I've seen them meet Elohim and no more tough side
And so we're caught· you know the Savior's got our jaw stuck
We're awe struck
cause life's no longer a toss up
And though its got a lot of trouble in it
In comparison it pales like a bucket with a shovel in it
Cause one day we'll be the eternal residents
With the universal President
for Whom we represent

-Ambassador - Cypha the Next Day, House of Representatives

The Cross Movement Cypha The Next Day Lyrics

Now Means Now! or (aahh...what a relief it is to be in Jesus!)

2006-04-06T05:21:00.000-07:00

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Romans 8:1

Now (adverb): at the present time; at once (Webster)

I've been thinking about the difference between conviction and condemnation. When the Holy Spirit convicts me of something that I have done wrong, the thoughts will be something like this: “I really blew that! I was wrong. I should have thought before I said that. That was certainly not a Christ-like thing to do! I’ll go over the first thing tomorrow and make an apology. I am so thankful that He has promised to complete what He started. He still has a lot of work to do on me—that’s for sure!” In conviction there is hope—hope for changing fleshly patterns because of the power of Christ in me—hope for righting wrongs—hope for overcoming.

On the other hand, thoughts of condemnation will attack me—myself—not just my performance. For example, “I am such a loser. I do everything wrong. I should not be teaching or witnessing. What a sorry Christian I’ve turned out to be. I can’t do anything right.” There’s no hope in those accusations—just condemnation. Those words condemn me because of my poor performance and give birth to guilt, depression, disappointment, hopelessness, and a lot of other destructive thoughts.

The Holy Spirit isolates—brings to mind—the sinful act. Satan, however, makes broad, all-inclusive accusations against my person/character/integrity. God will never condemn me. Why? Because He knows me—my new heart, my desire to please Him, my love for Him—and He doesn’t expect me to perform perfectly. That’s His program—conforming me to the image of His Son. “Conforming” means there’s work to be done—changing myperformance, the things I do—not my identity. There is, therefore, NOW no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

taken from www.lifetime.org

chosen before the creation of the world

2006-03-31T05:33:00.000-08:00

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. - Ephesians 1:11-12

i've started reading Ephesians and when I came across this verse my first thought was what was it that brought Paul to this conclusion. duh...the Holy Spirit. next question. according to Eph 1:4 and 5, we were chosen before the creation of the world - For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will. so in light of this scripture, how does that work with these verses:
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son".

now i know this has been discussed many many times by other people but it just makes me wonder how the two work together. if we were predestined to believe, where does our free will come into play? the will God gives us to make our own choices. maybe it is God's desire for all men to come to him and thus all were predestined in that way, but still had the ability to choose to follow God or not to follow. so maybe "the door" is always open, we just have to choose to go through it.

some would argue that pharaoh and judas were predestined to make the choices they made. cuz the bible says that Judas' betryal of Jesus was to fullfill scripture. so he was predestined to betray Him and if you look at John 31:18 Jesus says that he knows those he has chosen. in terms of the pharaoh and his choices, i feel that he had opportunity to do the right thing and let the Isrealites go, but he chose not. when the pharaoh saw that his magicians could use their arts to do similar things as moses, his heart became hardened - But the Egyptian magicians did the same things by their secret arts, and Pharaoh's heart became hard; he would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the LORD had said. Instead, he turned and went into his palace, and did not take even this to heart. - Exodus 7:22-23. when i see this, i think he could've chosen to let them go, but he didn't. God knew that that's what would happen and then he hardened pharaoh's heart. this causes me to think that romans 1:18-21 can be applied to pharaoh - The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. also, if we read the rest of the chapter we see that God will give people over to their sinful desires. so in this way, i think that it may not have been that God just hardened pharoah's heart but that He knew that pharoah would be stubborn and refuse to believe in moses' God and he gave pharaoh over to his own selfishness and stubborness.

i think i've kinda gone on a small tagent, but anyway, i just found that the predestination subject was interesting. i've heard bits and pieces of different arguments regarding predesitination and have always wanted to avoid getting involved, and i still do, lol, but i can see why it would be a hot topic.

real talk again

2006-03-30T11:12:00.000-08:00

continuing with what i was saying in my previous post regarding real talk:
i have a friend who i met recently (kim) and when we get to talkin about the spiritual life it can turn into an hour long conversation easily. it's usually a conversation that starts out with "how are things going?" and it takes off from there. we talk about the challenges that we face and things we've read in the Bible that we could apply to those situations. we encourage each other in the walk. we challenge each other to stay true to The Faith. we admit that we're weak, we admit that we don't know it all and that we have questions, that we sometimes dobut, we admit that we need God. it's so uplifting. it's good for me cuz i find that scripture comes to mind when we talk that speaks to whatever the topic may be at the moment and sometimes we cover alot of topics in one convo. it helps me to see that keeping God's Word in your heart DOES work. it helps. plain and simple, it helps.
here are some lyrics from a song by Da T.R.U.T.H.'s song from his album the faith:

Two is better than one- you know that three is a cord
Let's get together and rally around the things of the Lord
Monday, Tuesday- after leaving the doors
Of the church house- when church is out we got a reason to form
A gathering- rather than shooting a breeze at the shore
Our pattern should be gathering to put our knees to the floor
Wednesday, Thursday- this is our season to forfeit
Some of our leisure time just to see Him perform
The wonderful works of our God got to be seated before
Him- I'm talking about community life where we can be strong
That's where we build each other up- because we in a war
And we're scooping the younger saints- just to see them mature
The discipline of discipleship should not be seen as a chore
Even though we (are) seeing them yawn, they seem to be bored
We've been interdependent beings, since seeds to be born
And isolation is not something that we can afford- we need each other

Before we're found in a hearse- you know we can't be bound to the earth
Now, I know this is kind of home- so I'm sounding berserk
But what I mean is if we're balanced- just as round as the earth
That we can have some casual talk but expound on His worth
Friday- Yahweh gives the power to shirk
The temptation of being idle after hours of work
In the library, my prayer is that we browse through and search
For our spiritual brothers and sisters- blouses and shirts
New friends, new family- gather around the church
Break bread, drink juice or wine and dine as a certain
Way to symbolize our bond as a body- our first
Priority is to love God and out of it's birthed
An affection for one another- we're to challenge and spur
Each other on to love and good deeds- admonishments, hurts
Now cut the superficial talk- let's get down to the dirt
And really help each other change- like what's down in your purse

...And family life is the only way that believers consist
'Cause we can sharpen one another read Ephesians the fifth
Chapter let's sit after service just to sing and uplift
we need each other

real talk

2006-03-28T10:53:00.000-08:00

there's a song on my little radioblog to the right called fragile leaves. the hook from the song says:

"leaves fall, we know the autumn well,(so let the wind blow) we all try showing all is well, (so let the wind blow) life's not as solid as it seems, (so let the wind blow) its as fragile as the dried up autumn leaves (so let the wind blow)".

that is so true. i think people in general try to always put on a good face when internally there is some kind of struggle going on. i think christians do this alot. that's been my experience in talking to others, and on blogs i've read and other sites i've visited, i've rarely seen or heard "real talk". meaning it seems like they have it together and don't stumble in their walk, mabe they do have it all locked up. its not often that you see someone come right out and say, "i'm strugglin" or admit "this christian life is tough for me". well i'm here to say i struggle. i struggle with obedience, with staying on the narrow road. i often find myself riding the fence. i feel like i live romans 7: 14-21, it is very frustrating. but i do try to persevere.

the last stanza of that song goes:

"those of y'all that think i have it all together, evidently don't really know mr. metah, so letta fella tell you 'bout himself for a second. check for the message's relevant elements.

well, i've been a sinner since the beginning and ever since and in every sense of the word peddlin for return to lay bare flaws, (couldn't catch the next line) develop and learn, i don't wanna cover up the lawn with fall leaves of lies
tryin to disguise the life i lead behind closed blinds, i'd rather keep the lines of communication floatin'

with hopes of my people holdin' their eyes open to scope at the fragile arrangement of actions taken cuz i still have bad days were i accidently swerved off the path of greatness and need accountability to face it.

hopefully i'll come across more people who engage in "real talk". cuz it's needed, sometimes as a christian you feel all alone in the struggle, even when you're surrounded by other christians.

so much music, so little money

2006-03-28T09:05:00.000-08:00

i love music!!!! but i for awhile i was starting to become really dissatisfied with the secular muic that is playing on radio stations, especially on urban stations. i grew up listening to pop, rap and r&b, but i have a large range of tastes. i really liked rap for awhile, but by the time i was old enough to start buying my own music, there was too much swearing in rap for my taste, even when i wasn't walking down the right path. i listen to everything from pink floyd to petra, mary j blige, even some linkin park and beastie boys, smoove jazz and classical.

anyway my love for rap music came back, but in the form of christian rap. i like listening to Christ-centered rap, not just positive rap. back in the summer of 2004 a friend of mine turned me on to the cross movement and i've been hooked ever since. i barely even listen to the radio now. i check in once in awhile to see if anything new is out, but i don't last too long, too much that glorifies living a life that would not be pleasing to God. i've searched and found other christian rappers out there with alot of talent but more importantly they talk about Christ and not the usual garbage that's being played on the radio now. it turns out there's a whole "underground" movement and there are plenty of artists out there doing they're thing for Christ. for me, it's encouraging and its just uplifting to know there's music out there i can listen to that doesn't promote the usual things of this world. now there's a new website, 3Hmp3.com that sells individual mp3s as well as full albums!! and i've seen so much on this site that i wanna purchase. i know my money situation will be better soon, so i can hardly wait to start buying more and more music! my goal is to change my current music collection to a music collection full of music that glorifies God.

new read

2006-03-28T05:55:00.000-08:00

lessons from life by godzheart has just been added to my daily reads. sometimes i wonder if godzheart is a professional writer.
i've been encouraged by what i've read, so if anyone ever happens to stop by my site, here' a site i'd recommend stopping by too.

Freedom: How Sweet It Is!

2006-03-22T22:52:00.000-08:00

another encougaging article i found surfing. very encouraging and i'm totally feelin and identifying with some of what the author wrote, i hope to experience that freedom some day:

People who write books usually have a motive or they give up before the last page is edited. Well, I had motivation. I had hidden behind my self-hung curtains for years and watched everyone else "outside playing tag"--or shopping or planning a party or having lunch together. I didn't want to go outside and play or have lunch with anyone! I was "down," I was depressed, I didn't feel like they would want me to be a part of their fun, I didn't feel like they liked me and I certainly didn't like "me!"

But something amazing happened. I was brought from the depths of despair to peace, I came from hating myself so much that I wanted to do away with "me," to seeing myself as cherished and loved beyond my wildest dreams. It was a forty-year painful pilgrimage to freedom but I made it, and this freedom is what I write about and I know something now--unequivocally--there is freedom for you, too.

Rill Erosion

Do you know what rill erosion is? It begins with just a tiny trickle of water, but it trickles down the same hill in the same place month after month and year after year until finally you have a deep gully made by a little trickle. It's entirely possible that the route of a river might be changed by that same tiny trickle. That's exactly what happens with your behavior.

Let's say that you had a younger sister and the fur flew fiercely (say that ten times real fast!) when you were together. But you learned that you could get your way and control her if you got real angry and yelled at her, and if she didn't capitulate, you just might throw a thing or two. The first time you tried that technique it was a little scary (What if she goes and tells Mother?), but it worked. So the next time she irritated you the same behavior came out and it worked again. There's the trickle.

The years have come and gone. Your little sis isn't around any longer, but chances are you're using the same technique now on your spouse when you are irritated--yelling and throwing pots and pans and hateful words around. It began as a trickle, but through constant use, it has made a deep groove in your behavior. So when you're exasperated and your emotions zoom up to a ten, you open the vent and let out all of the steam. The little rill created a river. A simple pattern created a stronghold.

Your sis? Maybe she carries a bundle of hostility around inside all the time, never having a face-to-face confrontation, but kicking tables and chairs and slamming doors. Why? She could never best you and so she locked the hostile feelings inside and would knock over your bike when you weren't looking. And the rill created a river.

Emotional Archaeology

Your mind, your will, and your emotions have deep crevices where you never stopped the trickle, and those behavioral patterns that were formed are evident to those closest to us--especially our mates. These crevices are your strongholds.

Lillian cornered me and told me how it had happened with her. She was #2 in a bevy of children and #1 was Miss Wonderful. The first child received all of the glory--scholastic achievements and popularity prizes through junior high, high school, and college. Lillian said she didn't feel envy or hostility, but resigned herself to being a nobody and lived in her sister's giant shadow.

Then, Lillian went to college--and the giant shadow didn't go with her. Suddenly realized that she was a "somebody." She went wild with power and expressing her opinions and living her life the way she wanted to live it--aggressive, opinionated, domineering, controlling, and loving every minute of it! Another rill and another river!

The thing I want us to put our finger on--to understand--is that such behavior no longer needs to control us. And Lil would say instantly, "Oh, it doesn't, Anabel. I'm a big girl now." I'm not talking about maturity and learning to control yourself because you're a big girl now and have abandoned your little girl ways. I'm talking about a totally new you--a new identity!

God's Provision for Dysfunctional People

What you must understand is that you have a choice. You can explain your behavior, excuse your behavior, or blame your behavior on your dad and mom. Or you can opt for God's provision for dysfunctional people and dysfunctional homes and accept the truth that you are someone brand new and different because of who you are in Christ.

Does that mean...

* That you'll never be bothered by those negative thoughts again?
* That you can look in the mirror and not be repulsed at your image?
* That you'll be able to confront people when you need to instead of being a silent, mousy non-entity?
* That your temper tantrums are over?
* That your need to be in control will vanish?
* That those strongholds you built through the years will be gone tomorrow?

No. But when you recognize (to be aware of) and realize (to understand fully) that these negative conceptions are merely patterns and not who you really are, then you will be free to be a "new creature"--a "new creation"--and to act like who you are! Remember--your identity changed the moment you came to Jesus!

So we lay the foundation on truth: II Corinthians 5:17: " Therefore if any man/woman is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come."

Old things? These are the rills that formed the rivers of strongholds in our lives, fleshly patterning of thought, emotion, and behavior that we substitute for the sufficiency of our Heavenly Father. They are the behaviors evidenced in the way you think about yourself. The way you meet stress. The way you meet people. The way you feel toward the opposite sex. The mental habits of letting your mind dwell on thoughts of fear, loneliness, apprehension, and revulsion that have controlled you. Those are the old things--the old ways--the patterns that you developed through your formative years in your personal environment.

New things? Realizing (fully understanding) who you are in Christ. Letting Christ meet the stress-filled days for you. Seeing people as He sees them. Giving Him full control of you (this is the hardest one). Walking in the knowledge that (1) you are loved and (2) that you are a lovely new creation. New ways! And they become yours as you accept them and begin--cautiously at first--to walk in them. Yes, these are rivers too, but they are rivers of life!

You have been set free from the bondage of your strongholds. How? "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free!" You have just "read" truth, so live like the free person you are in Christ by faith, and give Him the glory for your freedom!

source - www.lifetime.org

another good post....

2006-03-22T12:17:00.000-08:00

from lessons from life.

soo...tired

2006-03-15T08:48:00.000-08:00

i'm tired today. didn't get to bed until after 1 am. although i did take about a 2 hour nap when i put the baby down for sleep last nite, the problem was it was about 10 o'clock and my wife woke me up at 12 am, cuz i was still dressed and the baby needed to be put in his crib. my poor little man is not feeling good, has some kind of bug. he threw up (projectile) monday night, then threw up again a little later while i was cleaning up the first spill. he was vommitting quite a bit again yesterday and my wife says today he's got diarrhea pretty bad. she hasn't been feeling too hot either, for the past two weeks. she's got two teeth that need to come out, i was calling her the godfather last week cuz her face was swollen pretty bad. she's in alot of pain and has been taking some pain medication that knocks her out, the pain also makes her wanna sleep. as a result of the two of them not feeling good i haven't been going to the gym. ugh. part of me hasn't been in the mood, but thats mostly due to the fact that my wife had an exam last week and when ever a big exam comes up she needs to study for a few days with her study group and they work on preparing till late night. dad needs to stay home with the baby and when she does get home it's usually pretty late and i'd end up leaving the gym at midnite, i'd stay up till 1 am, then have to be up by 6 am at the latest. and that is not condusive to growth. i need the rest along with the gym time to get stronger and bigger. i've done it before, staying in the gym till midnite, but it catches up with me, and could eventually lead to injury.

speaking of which, i pulled something playing bball last saturday, i think it's a very high calf strain. but its hard to tell cuz the pull is so deep, i can't even feel it on the outside by pressing on the area. it's behind my right knee and if i stand on my toes i can kinda feel it. i felt a little something when i went up for a layup during a game, but of course, me being me i played through it. it wasn't very painful and there hasn't been alot of pain since, more soreness than anything. i may not play this saturday to give it another week of rest. but that slows me down in the gym, cuz i can't do calf work, or at least i'm leary of it right now and calves are a stubborn area for me, although they've improved greatly. so i'm kinda bummin about not being in the gym more consistently right now, but hopefully that'll change soon. i was hoping march would be a good month for making some gains, but such is life. it'll be nice when the wife and baby are feeling better. i can't get myself to leave them to go workout. i could go, but its a long day for mom when she's not feeling well and the baby isn't and she's dealing with him by herself most of the day. so i come in to relieve the best i can. but like i said, hopefully they'll start feeling better soon. my sister is supposed to be coming up to visit the 1st week of april, i'd like to be in real good shape since we've talked about my workout goals. i'm not worried and of course you can only do so much in two weeks, just don't wanna talk a big game and not back it up. but considering she hasn't seen me in over a year, she should see a difference between now and then. ok, i'm rambling. enough for now.

God is good

2006-03-14T17:45:00.000-08:00

God is good cuz i know that despite all my weaknesses He loves me and despite all my attempts to control my life He is patient with me. i know that He wants the best for me, or i'm discovering that now. i think i've always felt that God was waiting for me to mess up or is keeping track of every sin. i'm sure He knows them all, but He is so just that He made it possible for those sins to be pardoned. and i'm discovering that He has these laws set up to protect me, not limit how much i enjoy life. why is it then that i have the hardest time doing things His way?? :-D

"21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23 but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members." - Romans 7:21-23

BUT!!!

9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. - I John 1:9

God is good right?

it's the C to the R to the O S S!!

2006-03-14T07:15:00.000-08:00

Verse 1: I’m free from the bondage of having to sin * having to give in * loving the world’s top ten * having to not win when I struggle * free to love the Lord with all of my might * seeing life with all of my sight * vision unimpaired and clearer than ever * now is my faith, my salvation nearer than ever * nearer than when I first believed * then when I first received life from the giver * well springs spring up inside * right from the river (Euphrates style) * * you fraidy cats prowl on the fence and howl in defense * I’d rather find out how to repent to the wildest extent * while this world wallows away in there childish events * stuck in the mode of thuggin’ and livin for the moment * livin every moment as the Lord’s opponent * askin’ to be forgivin but givin’ poor atonement * hopin’ the thought that there isn’t really more condones it * but don’t it ever seem strange and deranged to see art work with no author’s name on the frame? * * The wise move is to check to see if the architect has supplied tools to help us dig deeper * to fall in-love with a God who could rig Easter to rescue the rest of us from the grim reaper * And if you trust Him to save you, you can trust Him to keep ya

Chorus* * It’s the C. to the R. to the O.S.S. * We make you MOVE with the M. to the E.N.T. * We preach the C. to the R. to the O.S.S. * Coming at you with the Gospel frequently * *

Verse 2: Until then, my dealings and my feelings are controlled by the wheel in * the middle of my will, ILL * I fell * hell would have caught me but Christ came And Blood brought me * His love sought me, located me and so faithfully has been * Making me what I am now * when shall this Lord be seen as responsible for all that my team has that’s worth havin’ * worth grabbin’ * for with both hands, let go of earth’s fabric and come closer than you’ve ever been to your soul’s medicine * jettison this world and it’s trends then yours’ * and Christ’s life can begin

* * Repeat Chorus * *

Verse 3: I’m not rhymin’ because I like to floss * I toss mics for Christ then step to the left like a right cross * and let Him take the center stage * and set the temperature gage * and get set to blow the spot like ten grenades * ‘cause ever-since a tender age * I’ve moved with the Lord and stayed where the alters and tents were made * So even when the temple is raised then set ablaze, I’ll stay true and give like the Jews when the tenth was gave * * Transitionin’ it’s hard to find a man listenin’ to the Lord without raisin’ his hand’s dissin’ Him * only true sons see His hand’s discipline * and have to hand it to Him like “wow” for how he handles them * * That’s when you know you’re not ill-legitimate, even when you get ill a little bit * Days later you still are feelin’ it * you don’t understand who you dealin’ with * cause you over there frontin’ and actin’ like you ain’t feelin’ it * Lookin’ all hard and beatin your chest, either come to Christ and live or continue breathin to death * * Those are the only two options I can suggest, if you can still look at this God and not get impressed. * He came from the highest of heights to the deepest of depths to buy us at sin’s price so we can be repossessed to the C R O SS we are so blessed yes! cuz of J to the E to the S U S from the north to the south to the east to the west yes He's how we live free from stress plus we bow cuz He's be's the best

- from the Human Emergency album by
the cross movement - phanatik
song: C to the R

life is short

2006-03-12T21:12:00.000-08:00

a love letter

2006-03-12T20:38:00.000-08:00

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad.

'Father's Love Letter used by permission Father Heart Communications Copyright 1999-2006 www.FathersLoveLetter.com'

very nice post

2006-03-12T20:10:00.000-08:00

i can relate to this post and again, there is hope and encouragement at the end....much needed.

hope

2006-03-08T06:06:00.000-08:00

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead
1 Peter 1:3

today's devotional from Our Daily Bread was encouraging. "If you are in some way damaged by past abuse or feeling defeated by sin,"...sometimes i feel defeated. alot actually, but i know there's hope. and its a life long process, becoming this new creature. "Anticipating what God has in store for us can put a smile in our heart. Hope gives us poise and lets us live with inner strength, because we know that one day we will be dramatically different than we are now". "take heart in what God has in store for you. Live today with the courage God gives you. Make what you can of your afflictions. But rejoice, because all that degrades and limits you is only temporary. It will be gone—some of it sooner rather than later."i feel a little less discouraged today.

in other news, i got my new bible yesterday! very nice. its a study bible and its nice and compact so i can fit it in my backpack easily. its gonna be my markup bible. its so sharp though, its gonna be hard at first. but i hope to put it to alot of use.

time for a change

2006-03-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

i've come to the realization that a change needs to be made. after the incident of the woman talking about me (read here), i talked to a friend of mine who read about what happened. i'll call her "kim". kim let me know that someone she worked with who saw me around thought i was mean. now she thought this without knowing me but she was going by my countenance. i was surprised to hear this but it wouldn't be the first time that i heard that my facial expression was that of someone who's mean. i have a friend i met on the commuter rail who reads his bible on the regular and if you disagreed with him on a subject he'd tell you that you need to read your bible more or just that you need to read your bible. it was the way he said that was more disturbing than anything. there were plenty of people who told him that his approach was repulsive, not attractive. he didn't wanna hear it though. he thought it was fine for him to talk to people the way he did, no matter how many different people told him the same thing. one day i used an analogy with him to try and get the point across. i said that if you had BO (body order) and five different people came to you and let you know about your BO, then you can't really deny that you do and you have to face that fact that you have BO and need to do something about it. the light eventually came on and he realized that he needed to change his approach when talking to people about the bible.

well i've had plenty of people comment on the fact that they don't see me smile. so obviously i need to work on that. and i have been. through talking with kim, i realized that i've been in "protection mode" for a long time. growing up in NY you had to be "hard" or you'd get picked on and/or beat up. my solution was to put on a mean face to keep people from starting with me, and it worked. but its probably worked too well. i don't want people to percieve me that way. so i've really been making the effort to have a different countenance and just to give off a lighter vibe. i am a serious guy but i'm also pretty funny (my wife and family and close friends think so anyway). i feel better, kinda like some weight is being lifted, not having to "mean mug" all the time. when i go to certain neighborhoods i'll still have to get into that mode, but i think i can turn it down when i'm at work and for the most part in my daily coming and going.

why am i so hard on myself

2006-02-27T22:57:00.000-08:00

i wonder why i'm so hard on myself. i really don't know. its hard being you're own toughest critic and your own worst enemy. i spend alot of energy fighting off the worst enemy and when i fail, my toughest critic comes in and tells me all about the failure. but i do wonder why i am that way.

killing sin is in

2006-02-24T09:51:00.000-08:00

my copy of "killing sin" came in the mail on wednesday! i've been listening to it since then. i really got to listen to it yesterday, what a great cd. i think i'm gonna order one for a friend of mine, i think he'd enjoy this cd. there's some meat on this cd and i'm sure he'd appreciate hearing what tim has to say. like the reviews i've read, there is not one song that i'd skip over. all the tracks have tight beats and the lyrics are crazy! i'm really feeling "the battle", "sacrifice of worship", (ackdavis and evangel kill it on this track...ackdavis...whoa, i would love to hear him on an album of his own), "power of the Holy Spirit", "step into the light", "temptation", really, all of the songs on this cd are hot, this cd will get alot of play in my mp3 player. timothy is very blunt about the subject of sin in the lives of christians and the importance of not willfully continuing in living a sinful life. much appreciated. here's a review of the album, a much better review than i could give.

its been a short week, but a tough week for me. this job just wears on me. we had a migration from one mail program to another and of course it didn't go well, lots of different problems. also, i'm tired of being told to smile. i don't know anyone that walks around with a constant smile on their face. earlier this week i was standing at the elevator and just as it opened, someone comes around the corner and gets on with me. she says "you're not smiling". i laugh and say "so you're telling me i should be standing at the elevator with a smile on my face for no reason?" (if i was she'd be thinking "what's up with this guy?"). she says "ok, i'll behave". i'm beginning to think i must be the most serious, intense looking person people have ever seen. later that day a woman who's pc i was working on started talking about me, not knowing i was in the cube right next to her. saying how i have no sense of humor and how i look angry, some garbage like that. she went to say maybe it was cuz when i come into their area everyone is always asking for something to get fixed. i didn't say a word. but it wasn't a fair statement since she doesn't know me. and the funny thing is about 2 minutes after she said that, two different people came in and saw me and were like "hey, how are you?". you know, we exchanged pleasantries. she was embarrased cuz she had no idea i was right there, and i've could've easily turned and said "you don't even know me, and as for the sense of humor comment, did you say something funny? or should i just be laughing for no reason?". i thought it was better to stay professional and not say a word. now she's trying to kiss up to me and be especially nice, cuz she's unsure of whether or not i heard her. and her co-workers knew i was right there, and she and them were whispering about her blunder, right in front of me!! i hate people some times. sad, but true. i do have a wall up and she is an example of why, cuz people sooner or later show their true colors, and i'd rather feel them out for awhile before i let them in. well, i was able to resolve everyone else's issue except hers, it appears to be a server problem and the server team deals with that. serves her right, as mom used to say

so sweet

2006-02-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

Verse 1:
As I look at the life of Jesus and compare my life to Jesus’ I fall short though I know that I would like to please Him as my reasonable service and worship Him with my whole heart and I think I speak for all believers when I say we need Jesus to lead us or we will fall apart

cause ever since Adam fell from eating fruit from the tree our deeds have been evil that’s why we love the dark and great men throughout Biblical history officially can see we are sinners and need a new start and if your fire is dwindling and you need a rekindling get rid of what's hindering and get this new spark

I thank the Father for Jesus He didn’t leave us as heathens He made us His sheep and placed in us a new heart now we’re just simply receiving and believing what He’s achieving and achieved that evening bleeding there upon the cross

Hook:
He’s so sweet the way He loves me and holds me so closely and toasty He’ll never let me go and so I gotta serve Him give Him the props deserved live life by His word and He’s so sweet He gives me favor and flavor taste of my Savior a taste that should savored fo sho I gotta love Him and trust Him live my life for Him He’s so sweet

Verse 2:
And I can even hear them angels rejoice in that angelic voice when the prodigal son returned to the father’s house it’s so amazin’ it make me picture the Father’s love for the lost now nothin’ but praises are comin’ out my mouth

look at this life and begin to forsake it and chase after His heart like David after salvation without a doubt cause the only escape from the sin nature is the sacredness of salvation just start takin’ the narrow route

this opportunity is in unity with the tri-unity of His nature for you indeed just to holler out I see my sin and I need a Savior to take me away from myself to begin to mold and shape me at the Potter’s house begin to make me like Jesus and then I’ll take it and preach it to nations and regions from New York to down South and all places between because Your grace intervenes now You takin’ me makin’ me clean and I gotta shout

Hook

Verse 3:
Now there’s no way we can ever measure the pleasure that You have to give us the treasure to be able to call You Dad now what a blessing to be in heaven forever giving you reverence knowin’ that we were born dead

in our condition before we were Christians was that of a resistant ignorant citizen I’m meaning really bad but because we are wicked in desperate need of repentance see death should be the sentence and feelin’ the Father’s wrath but

You showed us your grace by sending Your Son in our place now it’s Your warm embrace in which we know we have You said You’d never would leave us You said You’d never forsake us see grace and faith is a gift so that way no man could brag so now I’m thankin’ the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit I’m hopin’ the Holy Spirit would open you so you hear it and I’m hopin’ you notice that there are hope in these lyrics just follow the scriptures for wisdom and you will be glad

Flame

Rewind Review

2006-02-14T10:41:00.000-08:00

once again, cmr did not disappoint. i have been listening to Rewind from Flame for a few days now and i'm really diggin this cd. i still need to listen to it some more, but i'm really diggin' the music and the lyrics. i like his style, he just comes with it. on this album he talks about racial diversity in the church and how part of a church's description shouldn't be "white church" or "black church" but Christ's church. he also talks to those who struggle with depression and/ or mental illness on "war of the minds". i think thats the first time i've heard a song about that. on "to my heart", he talks about how our hearts/minds can lead us astray. other subjects are the Bible being the final authority plus the sole infallible rule of faith for which we base the church. other hot joints are "break bread","so sweet", "give us the truth", "the Godhead"is another tight joint about the Trinity and, "the cross movement" is nice tribute to the group cross movement. i wasn't sure how i felt about this cd at first, but after listening to it a few more times, i know it'll be a cd that gets alot of play in my mp3 player, and in the car. and i'm sure it'll be a part of some personal mix cd i'll make in the future. still waiting on timothy brindle's joint "killing sin"!! i've been busy enough with other stuff that i forgot its on its way, but i'm excited, i'm sure i won't be disappointed.

Love God or Fear Him?

2006-02-14T05:40:00.000-08:00

I copied this from Intervarsity Press. it was today's "hard saying of the day" from their hard saying of the day page and i thought it was a good, short, explaination of what the bible means when it says we are to fear the Lord.
(i hope i'm not infringing on any copyright laws, but the page is updated daily and i don't think i could find a way to keep the link for today's up for awhile.)

Proverbs 1:7: The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

Love God or Fear Him?
"Wouldn't it be better if the author just said that we are to love God rather than commending our fear of him? Why is fearing God mentioned so frequently in the Bible? The phrase is used so frequently that cross-referencing all the instances here has been avoided in the interests of space."

"The term to fear can describe everything from dread (Deut 1:29) or being terrified (Jon 1:10) to standing in awe (1 Kings 3:28) and having reverence (Lev 19:3). When used of the Lord, it encapsulates both aspects of the term, a shrinking back in recognition of the difference or holiness of God and the drawing close in awe and worship. To fear the Lord is not to experience a dread that paralyzes all action, but neither is it just a polite respect. It is an attitude of both reluctance and adoration that results in a willingness to do what God says. The fear of the Lord, then, is absolutely necessary if we are even to begin on the right foot in learning, living or worshiping."

"The problem with saying that loving God is enough is that this informs us as to what the proper emotion should be, but it says nothing, in and of itself, as to what we should do about expressing that love. It also leaves the important aspect of the holiness and difference of God's nature and character untouched and without a response."

"But with the fear of the Lord there is a foundation for wisdom, discipline, learning and life. It expresses itself in a hatred of evil (Prov 8:13) and demonstrates its presence by its willingness to be obedient (Gen 22:12)."

wow!!!

2006-02-13T20:20:00.000-08:00

i just noticed that the url for my blog is "http://aworkingprogress.com" when i wanted it to be "http://aworkinprogress.com". see what happens when you're not paying attention?!! i tried typing it as "http://aworkingprogress.com" and kept getting another blog, and i was like....hmmm...must've been a typo. then i'd end up logging in through blogger and getting to the page and still not catch the error. well i caught it today and i think the only way to get it changed is to see if blogger admins will since the other blog hasn't been updated in close to 4yrs. oh well.