green with envy

something that has been on my mind for weeks now is the fact that i'm jealous of other people who have solid relationships with God. i can only really go on what i see or what they write, so i don't really know their hearts, but i'm jealous. my walk with Him is so shaky...

"I'm not crazy, my light hasn't been bright but hazy
Dimmed by desires within and fulfillment of my flesh
at best, let's just call it sin" *

i've been steadily getting more and more frustrated lately. i've just been feeling really weak, "i'm sick of resisting and tired of fighting". **

maybe its all the music that i listen to that express their love for Him, maybe it's some of the devotions i read, or it could be the conviction in my heart that i could be doing better in my efforts...

that is all for now, just wanted to get that off my chest.

* L.L.R.P (Life, Liberty, Righteousness, and the Puruist thereof) - Crossmovement - Holy Culture

** The Temptation -Timothy Brindle - Killing Sin

Father's Day

my father's day was pretty quiet. it was me and the boys all day, margaret slept pretty much until she had to go to work. she was up most of the early morning hours with the baby so she needed to get as much sleep as possible before working her 3-11 shift. when i say the day was quiet, i mean in terms of "father's day" activity. it was just a father spending the day taking care of his two sons. it actually went pretty well. my 3 yr old was pretty good at listening, (as can be expected from a 3 yr old) and the baby was, well, a baby. lots of feeding, changing diapers, more feeding, more diapers and little naps here and there. of course i was pretty spent by the end of the day. being caregiver and entertainer for two kids for an entire day can wear you out!





i'm so grateful for my children and still have a hard time believing i have kids. when i found out that we were having our first i was determined to be very involved in his daily life and i think i've done a good job so far. when our second child came into the picture i was a little worried i wasn't going to be able to give him the same quality time the first one received. well, that hasn't been the case and i'm grateful, tired too, but grateful. as they get older i hope to keep that mentality and will be as determined to be involved in their activities. it's been an adjustment not being able to go the gym whenever i want to or play basketball as much, but it's worth it. they've helped me to look at myself and to temper my selfishness, so i'm not thinking about "me" first as much as i used to. it wasn't a bad thing before (the selfishness), cuz they weren't here, i'm just glad i have the heart to lose out on those "me" things and not let it frustrate me too much. i still have areas to work on, but who doesn't. the best thing right now is that my 3 yr old comes running to me full speed when i either pick him up from the babysitter's or when i come home. and the baby gives me a smile and watches my every move when i come home until i come and scoop him up. they're my pride and joy and more and more i don't know where i'd be or what my life would be like without them.

feeling blah

i've been putting on some unwanted weight and now it's getting to be really uncomfortable. i can't wait to be able to get in the gym on a regular basis. i had too much food this weekend. i mean, i really went over board. sometimes i feel like i'm putting this weight on and can't do anything about it. my motivation has been pretty low as a result. i think aaron is getting to be on a regular schedule now that will allow me to slip out when everyone is asleep and go to the gym.

i will say that even though i got NOTHING done in the apt, it was a good four days off. i took today off to play some basketball and take aaron to get his 4 month shots. didn't get to play ball since the gym was closed but the long weekend was a good time spent with my family. aaron is 21 lbs, 28 inches long!! i'm blessed to have children and was looking forward to being around them for longer than the average week day. it would have been really nice to have gotten some stuff done around the apt. it is a mess from top to bottom. we'll get it worked out soon though, we can't keep this up. anyway, just felt like putting down some thoughts.

jr. is next door and i need to go and scoop him up for a shower and bed time. he's usually in bed by now, but because of the extra long weekend we've been a little more slack with bed time. he should go out like a light once we get him in bed.

i've fallen

this pretty much captions how i've been feeling for a little bit. i've been doing some reading on obedience and this morning i did some reading on repentance. the word repent intrigues me when i read it. i know the meaning and i've looked it up, but sometimes the definitions seem to lack what's being expressed when i read the word repent in a sentence or passage of scripture. alot of the definitions for repent i see look like this: "To feel pain on account of; to remember with sorrow."
to me, that doesn't complete the definition of what it means to repent or to be repentant. a definition that makes more sense to me is : "To change the mind, or the course of conduct, on account of regret or dissatisfaction.", also "To be sorry for sin as morally evil, and to seek forgiveness; to cease to love and practice sin." in my search for a definition of repent i found this and found it to be very helpful.

i'm trying to "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and run with perseverance the race marked out for us." (Hebrews 12:1) or i'd like to anyway.

something for me has to change. i'm up early enough in the mornings that i think i could take some time and start my day be reading my bible and praying. it's something that has been on my mind off and on. alot of times i don't start my day off (insert slang) on the good foot(end slang). in my devotional reading this morning, psalm 119: 9-16 was a part of the reading. verse 11 was the "title verse". "Your Word I have hidden in my heart." you know, two weeks ago i started reviewing my old memory verses and had a plan to start "spiritually exercising", going over the verses i'd already memorized, each day and after a week or so, adding a new verse to the list. i did good for the first week, got sick over the weekend and was just hit with all kinds of tempation and fell to it. and of course, i stopped exercising. i'm going to try again. i know i need to have the Word hidden in my heart and that it is my spiritual armor. pray for me as i try to embark on this mission again. i'm in bad spiritual shape and need to be *"lifting spiritual weights and pumping up faith. In prayer do sets, in church do reps to build righteous massive biceps and pecs". - *(taken from "shock" on crossmovment's heaven's mentality)

quick update

well well well. it's been awhile (again). the baby is doing well, growing very fast and he is a big boy. he's been sleeping longer at night which is good. my three year old has been going through the terrible three's. it has been quite the challenge to me and mom, especially mom. she's been home more with him and he's really not listening to her alot. the one thing that has been great about his behaviour is that he loves his little brother and always wants to be in his face, kissing him and playing with him. his little brother watches his every move now and smiles anytime big bro is around. jr. has shown very little jealousy which has been great.

my wife will be starting a new job in june and hopefully things will be a little less crazy. it'll be good for her to get out of the house. i've just started getting more sleep, although i've been sick off and on the past 2 months. the gym has been non-existent, which i'm kinda of starting to accept. i'm still hoping that the baby will be sleeping more soon and i'll be able to get back. i'm still in decent shape, but no way near the shape i'm used to being in.

spiritually, i'm in a bad place right now. tired from the fight. still hanging in, "hold on, cuz our God is a warrior", that's a quote from Hold on from Flame's latest "Our World Redeemed". so yeah, i'm just not happy with how i'm responding to temptations and the relentlessness of them. i tried connecting with some brothers a few months back to see if we could be accountable to each other, maybe build through the Word via email, but it hasn't been working out. i'm pretty frustrated and disappointed with that. i'm hoping that'll work out and that's it just a matter of time right now. both of these brothers are pretty busy, one with being a Dr. doing family practice and the other just finished computer science classes. then there's me with a newborn, so its been tough to get it together. please pray for me, i'm still struggling with my prayer life. i still need to pray tons more. don't know what's wrong with me.

still not sure how i feel about this, but here are a couple of pics of my boys. what a blessing, and i'm learning lessons ever yday it seems by having them in my life.

aaron


andrew

whew!!

we're exhausted. the baby is a pretty good sleeper, but has his fussy moments of course. my wife is taking care of him while i'm at work. it's especially tough because his brother who is a very active, soon to be 3yr old it's been rough on her, so i've been helping as best as i can by taking the night shift so she can sleep. i think i'm averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night. but we're keeping our sense of humor, so that helps. our 3yr old is very challenging at times. he is always in go mode. he has an amazing amount of energy!

i've been in a not so safe space lately. i've been finding all kinds of great music!! paypal....ahhh...so easy. click here, click there, next thing you know i've got a new album on my mp3 player!! the average price for the albums are $10. too easy!! i'm amped about these albums, they've been edifying for me.

if you know a christian or anyone who is listening to secular hip hop, put them on to some of these artists. i have a friend who i think this kind of music could benefit. my hope is that it could cause him to possibly examine himself. i've been thinking of making a mix cd for him. he has about an hour plus ride to and from work and i could hook him up. the funny thing is he's the one who played the cross movement's holy culture cd for me. i think that was back in '03. i've been hooked since and this music was a breath of fresh air. it also caused me to re-examine where i was in my walk and to reflect on how serious i was taking it. of course the music is a supplement. God's word is the meal. for me, His word was in me from how my parents raised me, from getting saved at a young age and from being a bible quizzer for 4 yrs (i'll admit it was mostly about winning the quiz meets back then). hearing it in rap form was the gravy. so, anyway here's a few of the artists, keep my friend in prayer.

the novelist - spoken word
hansoul - Jesus Saves
cehah - color outside the lines
phanatik - crime and consequences
the yuinon genocide; the sequal-
lesun - the kiss album; keep it short and simple

i'm waiting on shai linne's "the atonement" and redeemed thought's "truth, beauty, goodness" also. i found a few free mixtapes too, mostly through myspace. maybe if i get the time/and or energy, i'll post some links one day.

i also got mercyme's all "all that is within me" and "coming up to breath". very nice cds, i really like coming up to breath, i've had that for awhile, all that is within me is a more recent purchase. i love their music. i'm pretty sure adrianne archie's cd, "he that hath an ear, let him hear" will be my next pickup. it came out in '06, but is very good. another Christ glorifying cd.

ok, the newest member is waking up for his next feed. gotta run

Sin

Shot Clock

Brand New Day (Shot Clock), added to radioblog, lyrics in previous post.