He is such a mystery

God is such a mystery to me. i go through periods of doubt and lots of questions and they push me away from Him. but eventually i go back to Him. and i can't explain it, of course i don't expect that i should. but i read His word and it affects me. there's always this "pull" to know more, to understand better. looking at doctrine, especially calvinism, i came up with lots of questions but i didn't pray for the answers to them. i looked for them in the Word, but i didn't really talk to Him about them. i actually got upset and it just made me question more. this is not a knock on that doctrine, just a statement on what little i looked into caused me to feel this way. is it me? is it something in me that says i'm not sure i agree with that? i think i'd struggle with things i find in the arminian doctrine also. who knows?? i stopped carrying and reading my bible on the train. my bag was feeling heavy and truthfully it does add weight when you factor in my laptop and lunch and other things i carry. but i grabbed it when i came in today, cuz i wanna read it again. hoping it'll help me have a better understanding of God. i think my perception of Him is off, that's the best way i can say it. but who does have the complete and correct view of Him?

anyway, i'm finding myself surrounded more and more by people who have some kind of relationship with the Lord and are wanting to have a better one. it's kinda weird, and i noticed it last night when i took stock of the conversations i'm having at work lately. one guy in particular caught me by surprise. me and another co-worker where talking about whether or not the Sabbath should be kept. actually i just made that statement that that is sometimes a debate-able topic for some people, and of course we kinda started debating over it. well the other person joins in and has some good stuff to add to the conversation in general. and we've talked since and it seems his heart is sincere cuz he talked about wanting his family to get saved too. he also talked about wanting to live a more obedient life and some of the struggles he's been having lately. another thing that came up was the need for a community of christians to help you and build you up in your walk. and i volunteered to try and help lift him up and told him we could try to build together!! whoa...where did that come from?? not my normal m.o. we'll see how things go. i told him that there are other christians i've come across in my "travels" through our work place and that some of us encourage each other.

He's a mystery. i'm still struggling in this walk, and i'm more willing to talk about my faith than ever before. i still have questions and push back alot, but i'm still hungry for Him. i try not to use terms that are common in Christendom but hungry is the best way to describe it right now. He is irresistable but in a subtle way, at least with me. i'm starting to babble now. just wanted to "write" my thoughts while i had the time and the urge.