i wish i had a childlike heart

How would a child come to God? With no reservations, no preconceived fears or doubts.

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"Looking up" to Him -- from a child's perspective.He is big and I am little.
He is strong. I am weak. He will hold me in His arms. He will hold my hand. He will know what to do. . . .
Ready to listen and to ask questions,
but not to express his views or to argue with Him about His views. Giving Him the responsibility of caring for him. Indeed, expecting Him to care for him. Trusting Him to care for him.
Reaching out to touch Him.
Holding His hand for security and comfort.
Resting in His lap.
Putting his arms around His neck.
Being excited to see Him and be with Him.
Knowing that He is wiser than he is.
Knowing that He is stronger than he is.
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but i struggle. i question. i get frustrated with this walk and my unfaithfulness and my disobedience. like b.morr says, my only consistency is my inconsistency. i desire a closer walk but haven't put out the effort necessary. i don't read His word every day, i don't pray nearly as often as i should. i don't meditate on His word. so how can i expect to have this closer walk?!?! i was telling my pastor that i'm the guy at the pool who only puts his toe in the water but doesn't jump in. i need to emerse myself in His Word. that would probably help with this battle that goes on in my heart/head.
i keep getting in the way. instead of saying "here i am Lord and i submit, please take over my life" i'm saying "i gotta work on this first, then get rid of this, then that, then i'll be ready and acceptable."
man, i just wanna love God, and truely appreciate Him. sometimes i feel so alone in this struggle. i know i'm not, but it feels like i'm fighting this fight alone and no one can relate. it's not too often you hear of people who struggle and admit it out loud. i'm hoping that God will open a door for me to find other believers to share our struggles and to encourage each other.
i could cry. just walking in to work this morning, i felt like i could have started crying in the middle of all the people around me. that's how frustrated i am. (i said i was going to be more transparent didn't i?)
the one thing that really bugs me is that the closer i try to get to Him, the harder it gets. the more i try, it seems more obstacles or stumbling blocks pop up. things that test my patience, or my ability to respond in a Christ-like manner. well, for now, i've run out of words on this topic.

***paraphrased from wednesday's devotional at lifetime guarantee ministries***