something that has been on my mind for weeks now is the fact that i'm jealous of other people who have solid relationships with God. i can only really go on what i see or what they write, so i don't really know their hearts, but i'm jealous. my walk with Him is so shaky...
"I'm not crazy, my light hasn't been bright but hazy
Dimmed by desires within and fulfillment of my flesh
at best, let's just call it sin" *
i've been steadily getting more and more frustrated lately. i've just been feeling really weak, "i'm sick of resisting and tired of fighting". **
maybe its all the music that i listen to that express their love for Him, maybe it's some of the devotions i read, or it could be the conviction in my heart that i could be doing better in my efforts...
that is all for now, just wanted to get that off my chest.
* L.L.R.P (Life, Liberty, Righteousness, and the Puruist thereof) - Crossmovement - Holy Culture
** The Temptation -Timothy Brindle - Killing Sin
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Father's Day
my father's day was pretty quiet. it was me and the boys all day, margaret slept pretty much until she had to go to work. she was up most of the early morning hours with the baby so she needed to get as much sleep as possible before working her 3-11 shift. when i say the day was quiet, i mean in terms of "father's day" activity. it was just a father spending the day taking care of his two sons. it actually went pretty well. my 3 yr old was pretty good at listening, (as can be expected from a 3 yr old) and the baby was, well, a baby. lots of feeding, changing diapers, more feeding, more diapers and little naps here and there. of course i was pretty spent by the end of the day. being caregiver and entertainer for two kids for an entire day can wear you out!
i'm so grateful for my children and still have a hard time believing i have kids. when i found out that we were having our first i was determined to be very involved in his daily life and i think i've done a good job so far. when our second child came into the picture i was a little worried i wasn't going to be able to give him the same quality time the first one received. well, that hasn't been the case and i'm grateful, tired too, but grateful. as they get older i hope to keep that mentality and will be as determined to be involved in their activities. it's been an adjustment not being able to go the gym whenever i want to or play basketball as much, but it's worth it. they've helped me to look at myself and to temper my selfishness, so i'm not thinking about "me" first as much as i used to. it wasn't a bad thing before (the selfishness), cuz they weren't here, i'm just glad i have the heart to lose out on those "me" things and not let it frustrate me too much. i still have areas to work on, but who doesn't. the best thing right now is that my 3 yr old comes running to me full speed when i either pick him up from the babysitter's or when i come home. and the baby gives me a smile and watches my every move when i come home until i come and scoop him up. they're my pride and joy and more and more i don't know where i'd be or what my life would be like without them.
i'm so grateful for my children and still have a hard time believing i have kids. when i found out that we were having our first i was determined to be very involved in his daily life and i think i've done a good job so far. when our second child came into the picture i was a little worried i wasn't going to be able to give him the same quality time the first one received. well, that hasn't been the case and i'm grateful, tired too, but grateful. as they get older i hope to keep that mentality and will be as determined to be involved in their activities. it's been an adjustment not being able to go the gym whenever i want to or play basketball as much, but it's worth it. they've helped me to look at myself and to temper my selfishness, so i'm not thinking about "me" first as much as i used to. it wasn't a bad thing before (the selfishness), cuz they weren't here, i'm just glad i have the heart to lose out on those "me" things and not let it frustrate me too much. i still have areas to work on, but who doesn't. the best thing right now is that my 3 yr old comes running to me full speed when i either pick him up from the babysitter's or when i come home. and the baby gives me a smile and watches my every move when i come home until i come and scoop him up. they're my pride and joy and more and more i don't know where i'd be or what my life would be like without them.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
feeling blah
i've been putting on some unwanted weight and now it's getting to be really uncomfortable. i can't wait to be able to get in the gym on a regular basis. i had too much food this weekend. i mean, i really went over board. sometimes i feel like i'm putting this weight on and can't do anything about it. my motivation has been pretty low as a result. i think aaron is getting to be on a regular schedule now that will allow me to slip out when everyone is asleep and go to the gym.
i will say that even though i got NOTHING done in the apt, it was a good four days off. i took today off to play some basketball and take aaron to get his 4 month shots. didn't get to play ball since the gym was closed but the long weekend was a good time spent with my family. aaron is 21 lbs, 28 inches long!! i'm blessed to have children and was looking forward to being around them for longer than the average week day. it would have been really nice to have gotten some stuff done around the apt. it is a mess from top to bottom. we'll get it worked out soon though, we can't keep this up. anyway, just felt like putting down some thoughts.
jr. is next door and i need to go and scoop him up for a shower and bed time. he's usually in bed by now, but because of the extra long weekend we've been a little more slack with bed time. he should go out like a light once we get him in bed.
i will say that even though i got NOTHING done in the apt, it was a good four days off. i took today off to play some basketball and take aaron to get his 4 month shots. didn't get to play ball since the gym was closed but the long weekend was a good time spent with my family. aaron is 21 lbs, 28 inches long!! i'm blessed to have children and was looking forward to being around them for longer than the average week day. it would have been really nice to have gotten some stuff done around the apt. it is a mess from top to bottom. we'll get it worked out soon though, we can't keep this up. anyway, just felt like putting down some thoughts.
jr. is next door and i need to go and scoop him up for a shower and bed time. he's usually in bed by now, but because of the extra long weekend we've been a little more slack with bed time. he should go out like a light once we get him in bed.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
i've fallen
this pretty much captions how i've been feeling for a little bit. i've been doing some reading on obedience and this morning i did some reading on repentance. the word repent intrigues me when i read it. i know the meaning and i've looked it up, but sometimes the definitions seem to lack what's being expressed when i read the word repent in a sentence or passage of scripture. alot of the definitions for repent i see look like this: "To feel pain on account of; to remember with sorrow."
to me, that doesn't complete the definition of what it means to repent or to be repentant. a definition that makes more sense to me is : "To change the mind, or the course of conduct, on account of regret or dissatisfaction.", also "To be sorry for sin as morally evil, and to seek forgiveness; to cease to love and practice sin." in my search for a definition of repent i found this and found it to be very helpful.
i'm trying to "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and run with perseverance the race marked out for us." (Hebrews 12:1) or i'd like to anyway.
something for me has to change. i'm up early enough in the mornings that i think i could take some time and start my day be reading my bible and praying. it's something that has been on my mind off and on. alot of times i don't start my day off (insert slang) on the good foot(end slang). in my devotional reading this morning, psalm 119: 9-16 was a part of the reading. verse 11 was the "title verse". "Your Word I have hidden in my heart." you know, two weeks ago i started reviewing my old memory verses and had a plan to start "spiritually exercising", going over the verses i'd already memorized, each day and after a week or so, adding a new verse to the list. i did good for the first week, got sick over the weekend and was just hit with all kinds of tempation and fell to it. and of course, i stopped exercising. i'm going to try again. i know i need to have the Word hidden in my heart and that it is my spiritual armor. pray for me as i try to embark on this mission again. i'm in bad spiritual shape and need to be *"lifting spiritual weights and pumping up faith. In prayer do sets, in church do reps to build righteous massive biceps and pecs". - *(taken from "shock" on crossmovment's heaven's mentality)
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
quick update
well well well. it's been awhile (again). the baby is doing well, growing very fast and he is a big boy. he's been sleeping longer at night which is good. my three year old has been going through the terrible three's. it has been quite the challenge to me and mom, especially mom. she's been home more with him and he's really not listening to her alot. the one thing that has been great about his behaviour is that he loves his little brother and always wants to be in his face, kissing him and playing with him. his little brother watches his every move now and smiles anytime big bro is around. jr. has shown very little jealousy which has been great.
my wife will be starting a new job in june and hopefully things will be a little less crazy. it'll be good for her to get out of the house. i've just started getting more sleep, although i've been sick off and on the past 2 months. the gym has been non-existent, which i'm kinda of starting to accept. i'm still hoping that the baby will be sleeping more soon and i'll be able to get back. i'm still in decent shape, but no way near the shape i'm used to being in.
spiritually, i'm in a bad place right now. tired from the fight. still hanging in, "hold on, cuz our God is a warrior", that's a quote from Hold on from Flame's latest "Our World Redeemed". so yeah, i'm just not happy with how i'm responding to temptations and the relentlessness of them. i tried connecting with some brothers a few months back to see if we could be accountable to each other, maybe build through the Word via email, but it hasn't been working out. i'm pretty frustrated and disappointed with that. i'm hoping that'll work out and that's it just a matter of time right now. both of these brothers are pretty busy, one with being a Dr. doing family practice and the other just finished computer science classes. then there's me with a newborn, so its been tough to get it together. please pray for me, i'm still struggling with my prayer life. i still need to pray tons more. don't know what's wrong with me.
still not sure how i feel about this, but here are a couple of pics of my boys. what a blessing, and i'm learning lessons ever yday it seems by having them in my life.
aaron
andrew
my wife will be starting a new job in june and hopefully things will be a little less crazy. it'll be good for her to get out of the house. i've just started getting more sleep, although i've been sick off and on the past 2 months. the gym has been non-existent, which i'm kinda of starting to accept. i'm still hoping that the baby will be sleeping more soon and i'll be able to get back. i'm still in decent shape, but no way near the shape i'm used to being in.
spiritually, i'm in a bad place right now. tired from the fight. still hanging in, "hold on, cuz our God is a warrior", that's a quote from Hold on from Flame's latest "Our World Redeemed". so yeah, i'm just not happy with how i'm responding to temptations and the relentlessness of them. i tried connecting with some brothers a few months back to see if we could be accountable to each other, maybe build through the Word via email, but it hasn't been working out. i'm pretty frustrated and disappointed with that. i'm hoping that'll work out and that's it just a matter of time right now. both of these brothers are pretty busy, one with being a Dr. doing family practice and the other just finished computer science classes. then there's me with a newborn, so its been tough to get it together. please pray for me, i'm still struggling with my prayer life. i still need to pray tons more. don't know what's wrong with me.
still not sure how i feel about this, but here are a couple of pics of my boys. what a blessing, and i'm learning lessons ever yday it seems by having them in my life.
aaron
andrew
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
whew!!
we're exhausted. the baby is a pretty good sleeper, but has his fussy moments of course. my wife is taking care of him while i'm at work. it's especially tough because his brother who is a very active, soon to be 3yr old it's been rough on her, so i've been helping as best as i can by taking the night shift so she can sleep. i think i'm averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night. but we're keeping our sense of humor, so that helps. our 3yr old is very challenging at times. he is always in go mode. he has an amazing amount of energy!
i've been in a not so safe space lately. i've been finding all kinds of great music!! paypal....ahhh...so easy. click here, click there, next thing you know i've got a new album on my mp3 player!! the average price for the albums are $10. too easy!! i'm amped about these albums, they've been edifying for me.
if you know a christian or anyone who is listening to secular hip hop, put them on to some of these artists. i have a friend who i think this kind of music could benefit. my hope is that it could cause him to possibly examine himself. i've been thinking of making a mix cd for him. he has about an hour plus ride to and from work and i could hook him up. the funny thing is he's the one who played the cross movement's holy culture cd for me. i think that was back in '03. i've been hooked since and this music was a breath of fresh air. it also caused me to re-examine where i was in my walk and to reflect on how serious i was taking it. of course the music is a supplement. God's word is the meal. for me, His word was in me from how my parents raised me, from getting saved at a young age and from being a bible quizzer for 4 yrs (i'll admit it was mostly about winning the quiz meets back then). hearing it in rap form was the gravy. so, anyway here's a few of the artists, keep my friend in prayer.
the novelist - spoken word
hansoul - Jesus Saves
cehah - color outside the lines
phanatik - crime and consequences
the yuinon genocide; the sequal-
lesun - the kiss album; keep it short and simple
i'm waiting on shai linne's "the atonement" and redeemed thought's "truth, beauty, goodness" also. i found a few free mixtapes too, mostly through myspace. maybe if i get the time/and or energy, i'll post some links one day.
i also got mercyme's all "all that is within me" and "coming up to breath". very nice cds, i really like coming up to breath, i've had that for awhile, all that is within me is a more recent purchase. i love their music. i'm pretty sure adrianne archie's cd, "he that hath an ear, let him hear" will be my next pickup. it came out in '06, but is very good. another Christ glorifying cd.
ok, the newest member is waking up for his next feed. gotta run
i've been in a not so safe space lately. i've been finding all kinds of great music!! paypal....ahhh...so easy. click here, click there, next thing you know i've got a new album on my mp3 player!! the average price for the albums are $10. too easy!! i'm amped about these albums, they've been edifying for me.
if you know a christian or anyone who is listening to secular hip hop, put them on to some of these artists. i have a friend who i think this kind of music could benefit. my hope is that it could cause him to possibly examine himself. i've been thinking of making a mix cd for him. he has about an hour plus ride to and from work and i could hook him up. the funny thing is he's the one who played the cross movement's holy culture cd for me. i think that was back in '03. i've been hooked since and this music was a breath of fresh air. it also caused me to re-examine where i was in my walk and to reflect on how serious i was taking it. of course the music is a supplement. God's word is the meal. for me, His word was in me from how my parents raised me, from getting saved at a young age and from being a bible quizzer for 4 yrs (i'll admit it was mostly about winning the quiz meets back then). hearing it in rap form was the gravy. so, anyway here's a few of the artists, keep my friend in prayer.
the novelist - spoken word
hansoul - Jesus Saves
cehah - color outside the lines
phanatik - crime and consequences
the yuinon genocide; the sequal-
lesun - the kiss album; keep it short and simple
i'm waiting on shai linne's "the atonement" and redeemed thought's "truth, beauty, goodness" also. i found a few free mixtapes too, mostly through myspace. maybe if i get the time/and or energy, i'll post some links one day.
i also got mercyme's all "all that is within me" and "coming up to breath". very nice cds, i really like coming up to breath, i've had that for awhile, all that is within me is a more recent purchase. i love their music. i'm pretty sure adrianne archie's cd, "he that hath an ear, let him hear" will be my next pickup. it came out in '06, but is very good. another Christ glorifying cd.
ok, the newest member is waking up for his next feed. gotta run
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Brand New Day
awhile back i had talked about meeting with my pastor on a regular basis because i was looking to have a deeper relationship with the Lord. well my pastor recently discovered that he has some serious heart issues that needed to be taken care of so i'm not sure when/if we'll be getting together at that level. he has had to slow down some of his activity for now.
we finished up on our group bible study, the Sacred Romance series and we've started a new study. i'm not quite sure what this study is about, although i've seen what one of the group leaders had in mind. i haven't made it to the study, due to the new baby and all the changes that it's brought.
our church as whole, well some of us, have started on reading the bible in a year. a few different plans have been handed out and me and the wife are doing the same one. the reading was going well, right up till we had the baby. it was cool, cuz me and my wife would at random times talk about the reading we'd done and things we were surprised at or noticed for the first time or things we just didn't know. i was behind in my reading and she was possibly ahead, but we both have some catching up to do now.
the bible reading was really bring up alot of questions for me. time is limiting me to get into an example of the questions right now, hopefully i'll be able to post some of my thoughts. the reading format is about a chapter from the old testament starting in genesis a chapter from the new testament starting in matthew. then we read a few verses from the psalms and proverbs. i really like the format. man...the old testament is a trip, just genesis alone!! i've read it before, but as always you see something new each time. but i do like the format.
as always, it seems like the harder you try to get closer to God, the harder the enemy tries to prevent you. i recently had a HUGE temptation for me come my way, and i fell. i've been fighting depression from falling to this temptation. it's that great of a weight. on my way in to work this morning, the song posted below came on, (more and more i believe God creates a playlist for me). the thing that stood out the most is that today is a brand new day. i can't dwell on yesterday, His mercy is new every day! sorry, i have to cut it short, but peep the lyrics below. i'll be back to continue my thoughts on this post if necessary.
the analogy is a shot clock in basketball and one's day in life.
1st verse
Yes Sir/ Yeah Sis/ if you can hear through Hip-hop than hear this/Here it is fresh off the presses/ here to lift souls and clear all depression/Cuz I know what it’s like when the sun is all shining but your soul feels night/Feels like you’re caught under gloom’s dark presence/ with a little light shining like the moons sharp crescent/ How many days gone by/ when I said I was gonna win and I ain’t even try/I wake up at half court the day is half gone and time left on the board is madd short/Rushing my shot/ I hurry out the door/ I don’t pray I don’t take my worries to the Lord/How much time does it take to run the floor get the stop watch or maybe I should stop and watch the Lord/ Everyday is a new 24 on the shot clock either get your shot blocked or score
Chorus
Brand new day/With each new day that’s dawnin’ /Every time night turns to morning/Grace is new, Mercy is new, what you gone do with it/ If life is a game you can never play in again/ would you stay in your sin or start trainin’ aimin’ to win?
2nd verse
I’m so down in points at this point I’ll take brownie points/Especially with the people I love I wish I could win or at least take the lead by a hug/Sometimes when I’m leavin’ I shrug hoping they feel me like really E.Q.’d up subs/ I hope they see that I’m doing a good thing/ that’s the reason I’m not around as much as I could be/And when I’m around I’m often drained but I don’t want relationships getting lost and strained/ I’m always telling myself/ don’t have your lights out/ be a lighthouse for someone else/I could do more before I hit the floor let me cop a squat/ put in some quality time for sure/Everyday is a new 24 on the shot clock either get your shot blocked or score
Chorus
3rd verse
I love the way the Lord taught the church/ He had a simple game plan when He walked on earth/ a balance between doing/ and being with the people He loved/ and spending time with the father above/ if I could master the art of the latter part/ I could keep from always having to march back to start/ there’s so many things to do/ and this brings me to my chief need which is to cling to you/ Maslow’s hierarchy listed the priority of the order of the things that we need and I guess it varies/ from the need to feed and to find love and to seek to succeed but he missed the one thing that's necessary/ the Lord’s standing at the door of your heart knocking unlock it watch He’s got a lot in store/ today is a new 24 on your shot clock will you get your shot blocked or score
we finished up on our group bible study, the Sacred Romance series and we've started a new study. i'm not quite sure what this study is about, although i've seen what one of the group leaders had in mind. i haven't made it to the study, due to the new baby and all the changes that it's brought.
our church as whole, well some of us, have started on reading the bible in a year. a few different plans have been handed out and me and the wife are doing the same one. the reading was going well, right up till we had the baby. it was cool, cuz me and my wife would at random times talk about the reading we'd done and things we were surprised at or noticed for the first time or things we just didn't know. i was behind in my reading and she was possibly ahead, but we both have some catching up to do now.
the bible reading was really bring up alot of questions for me. time is limiting me to get into an example of the questions right now, hopefully i'll be able to post some of my thoughts. the reading format is about a chapter from the old testament starting in genesis a chapter from the new testament starting in matthew. then we read a few verses from the psalms and proverbs. i really like the format. man...the old testament is a trip, just genesis alone!! i've read it before, but as always you see something new each time. but i do like the format.
as always, it seems like the harder you try to get closer to God, the harder the enemy tries to prevent you. i recently had a HUGE temptation for me come my way, and i fell. i've been fighting depression from falling to this temptation. it's that great of a weight. on my way in to work this morning, the song posted below came on, (more and more i believe God creates a playlist for me). the thing that stood out the most is that today is a brand new day. i can't dwell on yesterday, His mercy is new every day! sorry, i have to cut it short, but peep the lyrics below. i'll be back to continue my thoughts on this post if necessary.
the analogy is a shot clock in basketball and one's day in life.
1st verse
Yes Sir/ Yeah Sis/ if you can hear through Hip-hop than hear this/Here it is fresh off the presses/ here to lift souls and clear all depression/Cuz I know what it’s like when the sun is all shining but your soul feels night/Feels like you’re caught under gloom’s dark presence/ with a little light shining like the moons sharp crescent/ How many days gone by/ when I said I was gonna win and I ain’t even try/I wake up at half court the day is half gone and time left on the board is madd short/Rushing my shot/ I hurry out the door/ I don’t pray I don’t take my worries to the Lord/How much time does it take to run the floor get the stop watch or maybe I should stop and watch the Lord/ Everyday is a new 24 on the shot clock either get your shot blocked or score
Chorus
Brand new day/With each new day that’s dawnin’ /Every time night turns to morning/Grace is new, Mercy is new, what you gone do with it/ If life is a game you can never play in again/ would you stay in your sin or start trainin’ aimin’ to win?
2nd verse
I’m so down in points at this point I’ll take brownie points/Especially with the people I love I wish I could win or at least take the lead by a hug/Sometimes when I’m leavin’ I shrug hoping they feel me like really E.Q.’d up subs/ I hope they see that I’m doing a good thing/ that’s the reason I’m not around as much as I could be/And when I’m around I’m often drained but I don’t want relationships getting lost and strained/ I’m always telling myself/ don’t have your lights out/ be a lighthouse for someone else/I could do more before I hit the floor let me cop a squat/ put in some quality time for sure/Everyday is a new 24 on the shot clock either get your shot blocked or score
Chorus
3rd verse
I love the way the Lord taught the church/ He had a simple game plan when He walked on earth/ a balance between doing/ and being with the people He loved/ and spending time with the father above/ if I could master the art of the latter part/ I could keep from always having to march back to start/ there’s so many things to do/ and this brings me to my chief need which is to cling to you/ Maslow’s hierarchy listed the priority of the order of the things that we need and I guess it varies/ from the need to feed and to find love and to seek to succeed but he missed the one thing that's necessary/ the Lord’s standing at the door of your heart knocking unlock it watch He’s got a lot in store/ today is a new 24 on your shot clock will you get your shot blocked or score
Monday, February 04, 2008
wow...it's been awhile
where to start? so much has been going. we had the baby on jan 14. he was 8lbs 13 ounces 21 inches long. he is beautiful and we feel very blessed to have a second child. his name is aaron elijah.
as most newborns do, he has been taking up most of our time and energy. my 1st son has enough energy for 2 kids, so it has been a challenge to say the least. my wife is worn out and we're both exhausted. we don't have any family around so it's just us. we do have good relationships with two of our neighbors, so they help, but it's not the same as having family.
my 1st son has been doing very well with his new little brother and has been very sweet to him, kissing him and hugging him. trying to comfort him when he cries, but he's almost 3 and is used to being the center of attention. i think he's starting to feel a little differently now that he sees that is little brother needs alot of attention and it sometimes means he will have to wait to get what he wants. its tough. he's also the kinda kid that has tons of energy and needs to be re-directed alot. he's strong willed, which isn't a bad thing, but needs direction as most 3yrs olds do.
between him and my newborn, we're exhausted. last week i got 7 hours of sleep in a 3 day period. i'm still at work, i only got the first week off, haven't been at this job long enough to get maternity leave. so my wife has both of them for the majority of the day, then i come home and help out. fortunately, i have tons of experience with my 1st so that helped with me knowing what to do when it comes to feeding him, changing diapers, all that good stuff.
i'm at work now, and it's the only time i can sit and blog right now. way too much going on at home. i'll be back with an update on how things have been going spiritually and any other updates i can think of.
as most newborns do, he has been taking up most of our time and energy. my 1st son has enough energy for 2 kids, so it has been a challenge to say the least. my wife is worn out and we're both exhausted. we don't have any family around so it's just us. we do have good relationships with two of our neighbors, so they help, but it's not the same as having family.
my 1st son has been doing very well with his new little brother and has been very sweet to him, kissing him and hugging him. trying to comfort him when he cries, but he's almost 3 and is used to being the center of attention. i think he's starting to feel a little differently now that he sees that is little brother needs alot of attention and it sometimes means he will have to wait to get what he wants. its tough. he's also the kinda kid that has tons of energy and needs to be re-directed alot. he's strong willed, which isn't a bad thing, but needs direction as most 3yrs olds do.
between him and my newborn, we're exhausted. last week i got 7 hours of sleep in a 3 day period. i'm still at work, i only got the first week off, haven't been at this job long enough to get maternity leave. so my wife has both of them for the majority of the day, then i come home and help out. fortunately, i have tons of experience with my 1st so that helped with me knowing what to do when it comes to feeding him, changing diapers, all that good stuff.
i'm at work now, and it's the only time i can sit and blog right now. way too much going on at home. i'll be back with an update on how things have been going spiritually and any other updates i can think of.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Life Time Garauntee
i don't know if i've said this before, but i love this site. it seems like the devotionals are written just for me sometimes. today's was about letting go of our burdens and letting God handle them. something i struggle with. for me, it was just an encouraging read.
i've been having a difficult time this week. it's been hard to stay focused, i've been kinda forgetful or more like scattered brained. my wife says it's pregnancy brain and i believe her cause i just have not been myself. with the new baby coming i think there's been some underlying anxiety that i wasn't aware of. i haven't been relying on the Lord to carry me through in alot of areas in my life and i'm realizing it more and more. obviously it's a control issue. but i'm not a control freak, so i think again, it's a matter of a lack of trust on my part. i've been questioning myself on that latelly too. one part of me says "of course you trust the Lord", and the other side is saying, "you can handle it", when really, i can't. i don't talk to God enough either. we are to pray unceassingly, and it's a weakness of mine. i believe part of that is due to the fact that i know deep in my heart that that much commnication with the Lord will bring conviction on areas that i still need to work on. pray for me as i try to work on improving in that area, trusting the Lord to take care of me.
i have some other thoughts, but i'll post them under a different subject. anyway, i really like that site's devotionals, they speak to my heart and alot of times, meet me right where i'm at.
i've been having a difficult time this week. it's been hard to stay focused, i've been kinda forgetful or more like scattered brained. my wife says it's pregnancy brain and i believe her cause i just have not been myself. with the new baby coming i think there's been some underlying anxiety that i wasn't aware of. i haven't been relying on the Lord to carry me through in alot of areas in my life and i'm realizing it more and more. obviously it's a control issue. but i'm not a control freak, so i think again, it's a matter of a lack of trust on my part. i've been questioning myself on that latelly too. one part of me says "of course you trust the Lord", and the other side is saying, "you can handle it", when really, i can't. i don't talk to God enough either. we are to pray unceassingly, and it's a weakness of mine. i believe part of that is due to the fact that i know deep in my heart that that much commnication with the Lord will bring conviction on areas that i still need to work on. pray for me as i try to work on improving in that area, trusting the Lord to take care of me.
i have some other thoughts, but i'll post them under a different subject. anyway, i really like that site's devotionals, they speak to my heart and alot of times, meet me right where i'm at.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
stress
i think i'm stressed. so much going on. new baby on the way. that alone is mind blowing, it's almost like it's not real. jr. is in a very patience testing stage. my wife has been very uncomfortable since week 4 of the pregnancy. i'm buggin about how out of shape i am. my mind is telling me that i could be in the gym more. there's been enough opportunity too. but energy is low...must reserve...2 yr old....strong. lol. man....what a challenge!! he's not bad, but he's strong willed and stubborn, and has an amazing amount of energy.
and then there's my walk. it's a never ending battle. i need to put on more armor! ha! just thought of that. but it's tough, and i'm trying to persevere. i started my day off with prayer today. went to play ball and didn't turn the music on for about half the ride and prayed. starting the day off in a short amount of silence is good. i'm always on, and it gets harder and harder to slow my roll sometimes. it's usually done out of exhaustion.
anyway, mix all of that and more together and there's a nice good sized stress ball. but i'm not feeling so stressed now, just reflecting on how i've been feeling for awhile now.
man, i hope getting back in the gym will relieve some of that. obviously starting the day off in prayer is the best though. duh. :-)
and then there's my walk. it's a never ending battle. i need to put on more armor! ha! just thought of that. but it's tough, and i'm trying to persevere. i started my day off with prayer today. went to play ball and didn't turn the music on for about half the ride and prayed. starting the day off in a short amount of silence is good. i'm always on, and it gets harder and harder to slow my roll sometimes. it's usually done out of exhaustion.
anyway, mix all of that and more together and there's a nice good sized stress ball. but i'm not feeling so stressed now, just reflecting on how i've been feeling for awhile now.
man, i hope getting back in the gym will relieve some of that. obviously starting the day off in prayer is the best though. duh. :-)
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
as real as it gets
i'm lovin this song right now. well it'll probably always be a favorite. great lyrics and i feel this song everytime i hear it. it's from the Process of Illumination and Elimination by Everyday Process:
Christian this is real as it gets
your faith is strengthened daily so endure the test
renewing the mind of Christ to resist the flesh
with a will to live peculiar despite the rest
at the cross we find grace the blood of Christ defines
who we are as righteous men among sinful kind
believer we cross the line it’s but a few times
a just man get’s up with the right mind.
I’ve said this before won’t do it any more
I’m frontin’ with the world and my life is really yours
man it hurts like dancing on corns the walk is sore
flesh is in control but I claimed you as Lord
Philippians 4:13 through Christ I’ve got it beaten
it seems now of days the only strength I got is leaving
turned from your way when your face I should be seeking
deny you at times like Peter heart aches I'm reaching
out because I have to no doubt I need to
realizing sin breaks the vibe with you forgive me for the dirt I do
thank you for being snatched from wrath
deliver me oh God from my haunting past
it wants to take over my body like an allergic rash
I’m bout to blow up like a smoker soaked in gas
I’ve tried the praying daily and a week long fast
I avoid a way of escape I know I’m hurting you Dad
tired of dealing with the same sin but it’s amazing
how ya grace is sufficient and never changing
a safe haven
a dwelling place provided in you when my minds raging
as the flesh keeps chasing
everything and anything unlike you Lord ya patient
your strength’s made perfect in weakness regardless of weak men
ya spirit sustains men ‘til the day of redemption.
Ay yo I know what the Word say
But I’m fessin’ up. I’m messin’ up livin’ the world’s way
And I know sin can’t control me or hold me
But I’m having difficulty livin’ holy
And that’s real. ‘Bout as real as it’s gonna get.
Sometimes, man I feel like I just wanna quit
And to add insult to injury
I’m tryin’ to fight my flesh and plus resist the enemy
And dying to self is harder than I thought
I faced even more temptation the harder that I fought
I’m learning to live this Christian life on my knees
You dead wrong if you think the Christian life is a breeze
But I know I got the victory
Cuz I repented when the comforter came and convicted me
God is into
Conforming us to His Son’s image. Until He finishes, the saga continues
Christian this is real as it gets
your faith is strengthened daily so endure the test
renewing the mind of Christ to resist the flesh
with a will to live peculiar despite the rest
at the cross we find grace the blood of Christ defines
who we are as righteous men among sinful kind
believer we cross the line it’s but a few times
a just man get’s up with the right mind.
I’ve said this before won’t do it any more
I’m frontin’ with the world and my life is really yours
man it hurts like dancing on corns the walk is sore
flesh is in control but I claimed you as Lord
Philippians 4:13 through Christ I’ve got it beaten
it seems now of days the only strength I got is leaving
turned from your way when your face I should be seeking
deny you at times like Peter heart aches I'm reaching
out because I have to no doubt I need to
realizing sin breaks the vibe with you forgive me for the dirt I do
thank you for being snatched from wrath
deliver me oh God from my haunting past
it wants to take over my body like an allergic rash
I’m bout to blow up like a smoker soaked in gas
I’ve tried the praying daily and a week long fast
I avoid a way of escape I know I’m hurting you Dad
tired of dealing with the same sin but it’s amazing
how ya grace is sufficient and never changing
a safe haven
a dwelling place provided in you when my minds raging
as the flesh keeps chasing
everything and anything unlike you Lord ya patient
your strength’s made perfect in weakness regardless of weak men
ya spirit sustains men ‘til the day of redemption.
Ay yo I know what the Word say
But I’m fessin’ up. I’m messin’ up livin’ the world’s way
And I know sin can’t control me or hold me
But I’m having difficulty livin’ holy
And that’s real. ‘Bout as real as it’s gonna get.
Sometimes, man I feel like I just wanna quit
And to add insult to injury
I’m tryin’ to fight my flesh and plus resist the enemy
And dying to self is harder than I thought
I faced even more temptation the harder that I fought
I’m learning to live this Christian life on my knees
You dead wrong if you think the Christian life is a breeze
But I know I got the victory
Cuz I repented when the comforter came and convicted me
God is into
Conforming us to His Son’s image. Until He finishes, the saga continues
Have mercy oh Lord I feel the heat
although the spirit is willing my physique is weak
please fill the void and restore my faith
bring back the joy of me seeking your face
I purposed in my heart to serve and trust you
walk upright live truth obey you
but the more I try it seems the harder I fall
in a race of endurance man I tend to stall
Christian this is as real as it gets
ya faith is strengthened daily so daily strive to carry
out the plan of God ordained for us
before the world was framed he arranged for us
to go thru knowing your outcome
as you go thru out comes everything that’s unlike Him
in salvation you a work in progress
he will finish what he starts endure the process
Ephesians chapter 2 you made alive in Christ
in this chapter of life you’re positioned right
you know a distinguished life don’t relinquish light
when your spirit gets weak man trust his might
tell a friend if you’re anchored right
you'll be encouraged walk upright live as the bride of Christ
God’s grace is sufficient live in submission
His spirit sustains men till the day of redemption
Christian this is real as it gets
your faith is strengthened daily so endure the test
renewing the mind of Christ to resist the flesh
with a will to live peculiar despite the rest
at the cross we find grace the blood of Christ defines
who we are as righteous men among sinful kind
believer we cross the line it’s but a few times
a just man get’s up with the right mind.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
a good day
it's been a good day. got up and played bball this morning. my knee was bothering me during the week for no apparent reason. my wife thinks it's wear and tear and the weather. i started off kinda shaky the first two games but played well the last two games.
i came home and had breakfast with the family, then we let jr. around outside for a while. we came in and put the crib together and moved the dresser/changing table up to the boys room. jr. is also sleeping in his "big boy" bed now and we have our bed to ourselves. that's good cuz the wife is 7 months now and is expanding, lol.
he still wakes up during the early morning hours, but overall he's been doing well.
they're up taking a nap, and i'm getting some quiet time. aaahhh!! i guess we'll eat dinner a little after they get up, clean up and put him to bed not long after. the little man hasn't been too testy today. a little challenging but he kept it together for the most part. i say that with the biggest smile because he is such a character!!
the last few days have been trying, spiritually speaking, but i've been trying to keep my head in the Word. my verse for the week has been "So I say, live by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature". ~ Gal. 5:17.
the words, "you will not" stood out to me. He doesn't say, you might not, but you will not, a definitive statement. so i decided to memorize just that verse, and focus on the fact that if i live by the Spirit and learn what it means to live by the Spirit, i will not gratify those desires. it's still not easy, but i've been trying to stand on that verse alone when i'm tempted. my plan is to memorize the verses that follow possibly verse by verse to let as much as i can soak in. its a thought.
well, the little man and mom are up now so i'm gonna sign off and hang out with them.
i came home and had breakfast with the family, then we let jr. around outside for a while. we came in and put the crib together and moved the dresser/changing table up to the boys room. jr. is also sleeping in his "big boy" bed now and we have our bed to ourselves. that's good cuz the wife is 7 months now and is expanding, lol.
he still wakes up during the early morning hours, but overall he's been doing well.
they're up taking a nap, and i'm getting some quiet time. aaahhh!! i guess we'll eat dinner a little after they get up, clean up and put him to bed not long after. the little man hasn't been too testy today. a little challenging but he kept it together for the most part. i say that with the biggest smile because he is such a character!!
the last few days have been trying, spiritually speaking, but i've been trying to keep my head in the Word. my verse for the week has been "So I say, live by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature". ~ Gal. 5:17.
the words, "you will not" stood out to me. He doesn't say, you might not, but you will not, a definitive statement. so i decided to memorize just that verse, and focus on the fact that if i live by the Spirit and learn what it means to live by the Spirit, i will not gratify those desires. it's still not easy, but i've been trying to stand on that verse alone when i'm tempted. my plan is to memorize the verses that follow possibly verse by verse to let as much as i can soak in. its a thought.
well, the little man and mom are up now so i'm gonna sign off and hang out with them.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
habits
i'm a creature of habit. i've come to realize that recently, or i've just gotten to be that way over the years. being that way has it's pros and cons. some pros are that i always know where things are. for example, i have a basket where i put my cell, wallet, pager, watch, cash and loose change. my keys always get hung up on the key hooks by the door. i got the basket cuz i was tired of looking for those things when i had to go out or was leaving for work in the morning. if something is not where it's supposed to be, it makes it easier for me to retrace my steps and find it, because i have an easier time remembering what i did different from the normal routine. that alone, relieves some stress. the one major con is if i do something majorly different than the norm, i might not be able to find my keys or phone and i'll have no idea what i did with them the day before. of course i'll only realize this as i'm about to walk out the door.
sometimes, the sins that i'm so frustrated with are done out of habit. i hate that. the flesh is such a monster, and the more you feed it, the bigger it gets. i think i have a much better understanding of what the scriptures meant when we're told not to give the devil a foothold (ephesians 4:27). when you allow a sin to become habitual, you've given him that foothold. one definition for foothold is "A firm or secure position that provides a base for further advancement." further advancement in the believers case, pushes him/her further away from God, and that's what the devil wants. it'll be awhile before i get it, but i'm slowly learning that i have to form other habits to combat the sin in my life so it becomes less and less habitual. i'm still trying to do too much on my own, need to place my confidence in the Lord and follow the precepts He laid out to resist temptation. i'm hating my flesh more and more and i find myself thinking that more and more. my bros and sisters in the faith tell me that's a good thing. hopefully i'll be able to learn how to die to myself daily. that's a theme in alot of music that i listen to and sometimes the concept seems so foreign to me. well not foreign, but like alot of work LOL. whew!! but the reward is worth the work right? i know that that closer i get to the Lord, things that are not pleasing to Him will become less and less desirable and the more i rely on Him for my strength in the battle against the flesh, hopefully it'll feel like less work.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
My Prayer
(taken from part of Lifetime Gaurantee's devotional for today, these words express my thoughts and prayers... )
Lord, I long to know You better. I realize that this deep desire will be fulfilled as I spend time with just You. That doesn't mean having my Bible open in front of me at all times. It means being together, talking, laughing, crying, observing, walking leisurely holding hands. I don't want to read my Bible to meet the goal of "reading through the Bible this year;" I don't want to spend hours to impress others with my Bible knowledge; I don't want to have a disciplined time of study so I can check it off as an accomplished goal. No. I want to spend time with You because I want to know You and all Your intricacies. You have very painstakingly told me all about Yourself in Your Word, having others record Your innermost thoughts and Your visions. I read what they have recorded and then You and I talk about it-sitting out in the swing, working on the lawn, washing the dishes. We simply talk. We spend time together. You know me. I want to know You. I love you, Lord.
The Lord says: Let not the wise man bask in his wisdom, nor the mighty man in his might, nor the rich man in his riches. Let them boast in this alone: That they truly know Me . . . . Jeremiah 9:23
Lord, I long to know You better. I realize that this deep desire will be fulfilled as I spend time with just You. That doesn't mean having my Bible open in front of me at all times. It means being together, talking, laughing, crying, observing, walking leisurely holding hands. I don't want to read my Bible to meet the goal of "reading through the Bible this year;" I don't want to spend hours to impress others with my Bible knowledge; I don't want to have a disciplined time of study so I can check it off as an accomplished goal. No. I want to spend time with You because I want to know You and all Your intricacies. You have very painstakingly told me all about Yourself in Your Word, having others record Your innermost thoughts and Your visions. I read what they have recorded and then You and I talk about it-sitting out in the swing, working on the lawn, washing the dishes. We simply talk. We spend time together. You know me. I want to know You. I love you, Lord.
The Lord says: Let not the wise man bask in his wisdom, nor the mighty man in his might, nor the rich man in his riches. Let them boast in this alone: That they truly know Me . . . . Jeremiah 9:23
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
spending time with God
Godzheart left a comment regarding my last post, saying that i was so blessed to be able to spend so much time with the Lord. well, one of my devotional reads for today was on just that.
"Jesus our Lord is always with us whether life is hectic or calm, but there
is great value in taking time each day to walk the quiet road with Him."
also, check out Lifetime Guarantee's devotional for today. it's about how Jesus goes before the Father for us. our creater goes to bat for us!!
33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us - Romans 8:33-34
"Jesus our Lord is always with us whether life is hectic or calm, but there
is great value in taking time each day to walk the quiet road with Him."
also, check out Lifetime Guarantee's devotional for today. it's about how Jesus goes before the Father for us. our creater goes to bat for us!!
33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us - Romans 8:33-34
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
joy joy joy deep in my heart...deep in my heart
"Joy comes from the Lord who lives in us, not from what’s happening around us"
That's a quote from my devotion this morning. i have a inner joy going on today. and i know its from having a closer walk with God. even if it's just in this moment or today, it's there. i'm very happy to be doing the Rendezvous series and have been looking forward to spending that quiet time with the Lord in the mornings. there has definetly been more of an inner peace with me lately. God is good, and i thank Him for his mercies, cuz they're new every morning!! it's just a relief to not feel like i was awhile back, stuck in the muck and mire of sin. the workbook for the Rendezvous series has been pretty challenging for me with some of the questions it asks, and it causes you to really examine your relationship with Christ. i've been doing the reading from the book, the study guide and my own personal devotions in the mornings seperate from the book. i hope to grow from this and to encourage others if i can.
people say that God is there...actually God says He's there, even in the small stuff. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. - (Matthew 10:29)
sometimes when i'm listening to my mp3 player, and this morning was an example, it's like God has a special playlist ready for me to listen to. my player has over 2200 tracks on it and 95% of it is christian music, and i usually have it playing on "shuffle all", so i never know what's next. but man, i'm telling you, sometimes the order of songs are either songs that i love or sometimes, they're songs that one after another touch on something i'm going through or have a message i needed to hear that day or right at that moment. this morning on the way in was one of those morning. i was just feeling like praising God for this inner peace i had because of my confidence in His faithfullness and patience. and the songs, one after the other were praise themed songs, and they just went with what i was thinking and feeling. it's happened often enough that i wonder if He's that involved in even the smallest details of our lives. i've mentioned it before where the same thing happens with the devotionals i'd read for the day, and the thing is i read two different ones from two different sites. gotta wonder. at any rate i thank Him for leading me to find good christian music, that helps me to keep my mind stayed on Him.
That's a quote from my devotion this morning. i have a inner joy going on today. and i know its from having a closer walk with God. even if it's just in this moment or today, it's there. i'm very happy to be doing the Rendezvous series and have been looking forward to spending that quiet time with the Lord in the mornings. there has definetly been more of an inner peace with me lately. God is good, and i thank Him for his mercies, cuz they're new every morning!! it's just a relief to not feel like i was awhile back, stuck in the muck and mire of sin. the workbook for the Rendezvous series has been pretty challenging for me with some of the questions it asks, and it causes you to really examine your relationship with Christ. i've been doing the reading from the book, the study guide and my own personal devotions in the mornings seperate from the book. i hope to grow from this and to encourage others if i can.
people say that God is there...actually God says He's there, even in the small stuff. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. - (Matthew 10:29)
sometimes when i'm listening to my mp3 player, and this morning was an example, it's like God has a special playlist ready for me to listen to. my player has over 2200 tracks on it and 95% of it is christian music, and i usually have it playing on "shuffle all", so i never know what's next. but man, i'm telling you, sometimes the order of songs are either songs that i love or sometimes, they're songs that one after another touch on something i'm going through or have a message i needed to hear that day or right at that moment. this morning on the way in was one of those morning. i was just feeling like praising God for this inner peace i had because of my confidence in His faithfullness and patience. and the songs, one after the other were praise themed songs, and they just went with what i was thinking and feeling. it's happened often enough that i wonder if He's that involved in even the smallest details of our lives. i've mentioned it before where the same thing happens with the devotionals i'd read for the day, and the thing is i read two different ones from two different sites. gotta wonder. at any rate i thank Him for leading me to find good christian music, that helps me to keep my mind stayed on Him.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
new music
added some new music to the music blog. i've been in a praise and worship mood the last coupla days, so these songs reflect that. the lyrics do, the style of music may not to some people.
Living as Children of Light
Paul instructs us to no longer live as the gentiles who were darkened in their understanding and seperated from the life of God because of the ignorance that was in them due to the hardening of their hearts. these same gentiles lost all sensitivity and gave themselves over to every kind of impurity with a continual lust for more. Ephesians 4:17-19
Paul actually insists that we don't live like this. i think i've had the idea in my head for the longest time that having a heart that desires to live for God would "just happen". i didn't realize how much i am responsible for. Paul says that we are taught with regard to our former way of life to put off our old self, which is being corrupted by it's deceitful desires and to be made new in the attitudes of our minds and to put on the new self created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4: 20-24. That statement infers that it's something we can do, it's a change of attitude.
Verses 25 thru 32 go on to give more instruction on putting off old behaviors that do not reflect the love of Christ. the thing that struck me for the first time this morning is that these are behaviors that we have to decide to change. there's no swallowing a magic pill and puff, those behaviors are gone! or even just throwing up a prayer to God to have Him change your attitude with nothing being done on our part. we have to purposely set out to change. in my reading from our Rendezvous material, the author compares our relationship with Christ to a garden and the work it takes to grow as a Christian. "we must tend to our heart and life daily to guard against intruders creeping up from within and hindering our spirtual growth and effectiveness".
we have to remember that we can't do it on our own, and that we need the Holy Spirit to help strengthen us. also seeing that Jesus didn't face the temptations in the desert alone was another eye opener. i mean, i'd read it many times before but a "light" came on this time. He had the Holy spirit with him and angels ministered to Him later. "We have the Holy Spirit just as Jesus did. The Spirit lives in our hearts, empowers our efforts, and directs our steps."
i thought i'd just share how my eyes were opened to the fact that we have alot to do with changing internally, alot more than i realized anyway. it is hard work, but it can be done with the help of the Holy Spirit.
Paul actually insists that we don't live like this. i think i've had the idea in my head for the longest time that having a heart that desires to live for God would "just happen". i didn't realize how much i am responsible for. Paul says that we are taught with regard to our former way of life to put off our old self, which is being corrupted by it's deceitful desires and to be made new in the attitudes of our minds and to put on the new self created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4: 20-24. That statement infers that it's something we can do, it's a change of attitude.
Verses 25 thru 32 go on to give more instruction on putting off old behaviors that do not reflect the love of Christ. the thing that struck me for the first time this morning is that these are behaviors that we have to decide to change. there's no swallowing a magic pill and puff, those behaviors are gone! or even just throwing up a prayer to God to have Him change your attitude with nothing being done on our part. we have to purposely set out to change. in my reading from our Rendezvous material, the author compares our relationship with Christ to a garden and the work it takes to grow as a Christian. "we must tend to our heart and life daily to guard against intruders creeping up from within and hindering our spirtual growth and effectiveness".
we have to remember that we can't do it on our own, and that we need the Holy Spirit to help strengthen us. also seeing that Jesus didn't face the temptations in the desert alone was another eye opener. i mean, i'd read it many times before but a "light" came on this time. He had the Holy spirit with him and angels ministered to Him later. "We have the Holy Spirit just as Jesus did. The Spirit lives in our hearts, empowers our efforts, and directs our steps."
i thought i'd just share how my eyes were opened to the fact that we have alot to do with changing internally, alot more than i realized anyway. it is hard work, but it can be done with the help of the Holy Spirit.
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