A Relationship...

with God. that is what i'm trying to have. i've been a Christian for a long time and for most of that time i didn't live or behave like a Christian should. i didn't think like one should either. this past summer i had an issue at work that was very upsetting and it brought me back to church and i took it to the altar. a former co-worker brought to my attention that other cows (co-workers) were making racial jokes behind my back. now they weren't picking on me necessarily but it was inapropriate for work. they're equal opportunity haters and think they're pretty funny. it turned into a HR thing and was quickly resolved. but at any rate it got me back in church. sometimes i start to wonder why, but i know i was very upset and surprised by what i found out. i don't think they really meant any harm, but they just act like idiots and don't think. but i brought it to the Lord and at the same time, my heart was aching for a true relationship with Him. i was tired of feeding on "milk" and living and thinking like one who did. i believe i expressed that in my prayer and wouldn't you know...a friend of mine who had helped me thru some other difficulties in the past was at the altar praying with/for me. and we talked about my desire to have a true relationship with God. we talked about meeting on a regular basis and it actually happened. alot has happened since then and its hard to deny that God didn't have His hands in it. so that's where i am now. this blog is a place for me to kinda journal about seeking that relationship. at times i'm very frustated and feel like this. its a process and something i finished reading yesterday was encouraging. but i know there'll be times when i'll be frustrated and it will be more with myself than anything. this blog is a big step for me. putting these kinds of feelings out in a public forum. but i think i wanna "meet" others who share in the struggle.

"God, i say you're the greatest light of my life
the cross, the greatest sight of my life
when i believed, the greatest night of my life
since then, its the greatest fight of my life, to get at You" - the cross movement.

that's how it feels sometimes. but i do believe it's true that the more you earnestly seek Him out, you will find Him, and you do feel closer and more like you're doing what He wants. i could go on but i'll stop here. cuz i can be pretty long winded at times.

right now i'm very frustrated with the fact that it appears my host doesn't support php. and even with the html version of radioblog i still can't get it to work. hopefully i can work something out. i have a friend who may be willing to host this blog on his server, we'll see. but i'm gonna hunt for some free hosting in the meantime. arrrgghh.