Friday, March 31, 2006

chosen before the creation of the world

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. - Ephesians 1:11-12


i've started reading Ephesians and when I came across this verse my first thought was what was it that brought Paul to this conclusion. duh...the Holy Spirit. next question. according to Eph 1:4 and 5, we were chosen before the creation of the world - For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will. so in light of this scripture, how does that work with these verses:
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son".

now i know this has been discussed many many times by other people but it just makes me wonder how the two work together. if we were predestined to believe, where does our free will come into play? the will God gives us to make our own choices. maybe it is God's desire for all men to come to him and thus all were predestined in that way, but still had the ability to choose to follow God or not to follow. so maybe "the door" is always open, we just have to choose to go through it.

some would argue that pharaoh and judas were predestined to make the choices they made. cuz the bible says that Judas' betryal of Jesus was to fullfill scripture. so he was predestined to betray Him and if you look at John 31:18 Jesus says that he knows those he has chosen. in terms of the pharaoh and his choices, i feel that he had opportunity to do the right thing and let the Isrealites go, but he chose not. when the pharaoh saw that his magicians could use their arts to do similar things as moses, his heart became hardened - But the Egyptian magicians did the same things by their secret arts, and Pharaoh's heart became hard; he would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the LORD had said. Instead, he turned and went into his palace, and did not take even this to heart. - Exodus 7:22-23. when i see this, i think he could've chosen to let them go, but he didn't. God knew that that's what would happen and then he hardened pharaoh's heart. this causes me to think that romans 1:18-21 can be applied to pharaoh - The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. also, if we read the rest of the chapter we see that God will give people over to their sinful desires. so in this way, i think that it may not have been that God just hardened pharoah's heart but that He knew that pharoah would be stubborn and refuse to believe in moses' God and he gave pharaoh over to his own selfishness and stubborness.

i think i've kinda gone on a small tagent, but anyway, i just found that the predestination subject was interesting. i've heard bits and pieces of different arguments regarding predesitination and have always wanted to avoid getting involved, and i still do, lol, but i can see why it would be a hot topic.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

real talk again

continuing with what i was saying in my previous post regarding real talk:
i have a friend who i met recently (kim) and when we get to talkin about the spiritual life it can turn into an hour long conversation easily. it's usually a conversation that starts out with "how are things going?" and it takes off from there. we talk about the challenges that we face and things we've read in the Bible that we could apply to those situations. we encourage each other in the walk. we challenge each other to stay true to The Faith. we admit that we're weak, we admit that we don't know it all and that we have questions, that we sometimes dobut, we admit that we need God. it's so uplifting. it's good for me cuz i find that scripture comes to mind when we talk that speaks to whatever the topic may be at the moment and sometimes we cover alot of topics in one convo. it helps me to see that keeping God's Word in your heart DOES work. it helps. plain and simple, it helps.
here are some lyrics from a song by Da T.R.U.T.H.'s song from his album the faith:

Two is better than one- you know that three is a cord
Let's get together and rally around the things of the Lord
Monday, Tuesday- after leaving the doors
Of the church house- when church is out we got a reason to form
A gathering- rather than shooting a breeze at the shore
Our pattern should be gathering to put our knees to the floor
Wednesday, Thursday- this is our season to forfeit
Some of our leisure time just to see Him perform
The wonderful works of our God got to be seated before
Him- I'm talking about community life where we can be strong
That's where we build each other up- because we in a war
And we're scooping the younger saints- just to see them mature
The discipline of discipleship should not be seen as a chore
Even though we (are) seeing them yawn, they seem to be bored
We've been interdependent beings, since seeds to be born
And isolation is not something that we can afford- we need each other

Before we're found in a hearse- you know we can't be bound to the earth
Now, I know this is kind of home- so I'm sounding berserk
But what I mean is if we're balanced- just as round as the earth
That we can have some casual talk but expound on His worth
Friday- Yahweh gives the power to shirk
The temptation of being idle after hours of work
In the library, my prayer is that we browse through and search
For our spiritual brothers and sisters- blouses and shirts
New friends, new family- gather around the church
Break bread, drink juice or wine and dine as a certain
Way to symbolize our bond as a body- our first
Priority is to love God and out of it's birthed
An affection for one another- we're to challenge and spur
Each other on to love and good deeds- admonishments, hurts
Now cut the superficial talk- let's get down to the dirt
And really help each other change- like what's down in your purse

...And family life is the only way that believers consist
'Cause we can sharpen one another read Ephesians the fifth
Chapter let's sit after service just to sing and uplift
we need each other

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

real talk

there's a song on my little radioblog to the right called fragile leaves. the hook from the song says:

"leaves fall, we know the autumn well,(so let the wind blow) we all try showing all is well, (so let the wind blow) life's not as solid as it seems, (so let the wind blow) its as fragile as the dried up autumn leaves (so let the wind blow)".

that is so true. i think people in general try to always put on a good face when internally there is some kind of struggle going on. i think christians do this alot. that's been my experience in talking to others, and on blogs i've read and other sites i've visited, i've rarely seen or heard "real talk". meaning it seems like they have it together and don't stumble in their walk, mabe they do have it all locked up. its not often that you see someone come right out and say, "i'm strugglin" or admit "this christian life is tough for me". well i'm here to say i struggle. i struggle with obedience, with staying on the narrow road. i often find myself riding the fence. i feel like i live romans 7: 14-21, it is very frustrating. but i do try to persevere.

the last stanza of that song goes:

"those of y'all that think i have it all together, evidently don't really know mr. metah, so letta fella tell you 'bout himself for a second. check for the message's relevant elements.

well, i've been a sinner since the beginning and ever since and in every sense of the word peddlin for return to lay bare flaws, (couldn't catch the next line) develop and learn, i don't wanna cover up the lawn with fall leaves of lies
tryin to disguise the life i lead behind closed blinds, i'd rather keep the lines of communication floatin'

with hopes of my people holdin' their eyes open to scope at the fragile arrangement of actions taken cuz i still have bad days were i accidently swerved off the path of greatness and need accountability to face it.


hopefully i'll come across more people who engage in "real talk". cuz it's needed, sometimes as a christian you feel all alone in the struggle, even when you're surrounded by other christians.

so much music, so little money


i love music!!!! but i for awhile i was starting to become really dissatisfied with the secular muic that is playing on radio stations, especially on urban stations. i grew up listening to pop, rap and r&b, but i have a large range of tastes. i really liked rap for awhile, but by the time i was old enough to start buying my own music, there was too much swearing in rap for my taste, even when i wasn't walking down the right path. i listen to everything from pink floyd to petra, mary j blige, even some linkin park and beastie boys, smoove jazz and classical.

anyway my love for rap music came back, but in the form of christian rap. i like listening to Christ-centered rap, not just positive rap. back in the summer of 2004 a friend of mine turned me on to the cross movement and i've been hooked ever since. i barely even listen to the radio now. i check in once in awhile to see if anything new is out, but i don't last too long, too much that glorifies living a life that would not be pleasing to God. i've searched and found other christian rappers out there with alot of talent but more importantly they talk about Christ and not the usual garbage that's being played on the radio now. it turns out there's a whole "underground" movement and there are plenty of artists out there doing they're thing for Christ. for me, it's encouraging and its just uplifting to know there's music out there i can listen to that doesn't promote the usual things of this world. now there's a new website, 3Hmp3.com that sells individual mp3s as well as full albums!! and i've seen so much on this site that i wanna purchase. i know my money situation will be better soon, so i can hardly wait to start buying more and more music! my goal is to change my current music collection to a music collection full of music that glorifies God.

new read

lessons from life by godzheart has just been added to my daily reads. sometimes i wonder if godzheart is a professional writer.
i've been encouraged by what i've read, so if anyone ever happens to stop by my site, here' a site i'd recommend stopping by too.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Freedom: How Sweet It Is!

another encougaging article i found surfing. very encouraging and i'm totally feelin and identifying with some of what the author wrote, i hope to experience that freedom some day:


People who write books usually have a motive or they give up before the last page is edited. Well, I had motivation. I had hidden behind my self-hung curtains for years and watched everyone else "outside playing tag"--or shopping or planning a party or having lunch together. I didn't want to go outside and play or have lunch with anyone! I was "down," I was depressed, I didn't feel like they would want me to be a part of their fun, I didn't feel like they liked me and I certainly didn't like "me!"

But something amazing happened. I was brought from the depths of despair to peace, I came from hating myself so much that I wanted to do away with "me," to seeing myself as cherished and loved beyond my wildest dreams. It was a forty-year painful pilgrimage to freedom but I made it, and this freedom is what I write about and I know something now--unequivocally--there is freedom for you, too.

Rill Erosion

Do you know what rill erosion is? It begins with just a tiny trickle of water, but it trickles down the same hill in the same place month after month and year after year until finally you have a deep gully made by a little trickle. It's entirely possible that the route of a river might be changed by that same tiny trickle. That's exactly what happens with your behavior.

Let's say that you had a younger sister and the fur flew fiercely (say that ten times real fast!) when you were together. But you learned that you could get your way and control her if you got real angry and yelled at her, and if she didn't capitulate, you just might throw a thing or two. The first time you tried that technique it was a little scary (What if she goes and tells Mother?), but it worked. So the next time she irritated you the same behavior came out and it worked again. There's the trickle.

The years have come and gone. Your little sis isn't around any longer, but chances are you're using the same technique now on your spouse when you are irritated--yelling and throwing pots and pans and hateful words around. It began as a trickle, but through constant use, it has made a deep groove in your behavior. So when you're exasperated and your emotions zoom up to a ten, you open the vent and let out all of the steam. The little rill created a river. A simple pattern created a stronghold.

Your sis? Maybe she carries a bundle of hostility around inside all the time, never having a face-to-face confrontation, but kicking tables and chairs and slamming doors. Why? She could never best you and so she locked the hostile feelings inside and would knock over your bike when you weren't looking. And the rill created a river.

Emotional Archaeology

Your mind, your will, and your emotions have deep crevices where you never stopped the trickle, and those behavioral patterns that were formed are evident to those closest to us--especially our mates. These crevices are your strongholds.

Lillian cornered me and told me how it had happened with her. She was #2 in a bevy of children and #1 was Miss Wonderful. The first child received all of the glory--scholastic achievements and popularity prizes through junior high, high school, and college. Lillian said she didn't feel envy or hostility, but resigned herself to being a nobody and lived in her sister's giant shadow.

Then, Lillian went to college--and the giant shadow didn't go with her. Suddenly realized that she was a "somebody." She went wild with power and expressing her opinions and living her life the way she wanted to live it--aggressive, opinionated, domineering, controlling, and loving every minute of it! Another rill and another river!

The thing I want us to put our finger on--to understand--is that such behavior no longer needs to control us. And Lil would say instantly, "Oh, it doesn't, Anabel. I'm a big girl now." I'm not talking about maturity and learning to control yourself because you're a big girl now and have abandoned your little girl ways. I'm talking about a totally new you--a new identity!

God's Provision for Dysfunctional People

What you must understand is that you have a choice. You can explain your behavior, excuse your behavior, or blame your behavior on your dad and mom. Or you can opt for God's provision for dysfunctional people and dysfunctional homes and accept the truth that you are someone brand new and different because of who you are in Christ.

Does that mean...

* That you'll never be bothered by those negative thoughts again?
* That you can look in the mirror and not be repulsed at your image?
* That you'll be able to confront people when you need to instead of being a silent, mousy non-entity?
* That your temper tantrums are over?
* That your need to be in control will vanish?
* That those strongholds you built through the years will be gone tomorrow?

No. But when you recognize (to be aware of) and realize (to understand fully) that these negative conceptions are merely patterns and not who you really are, then you will be free to be a "new creature"--a "new creation"--and to act like who you are! Remember--your identity changed the moment you came to Jesus!

So we lay the foundation on truth: II Corinthians 5:17: " Therefore if any man/woman is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come."

Old things? These are the rills that formed the rivers of strongholds in our lives, fleshly patterning of thought, emotion, and behavior that we substitute for the sufficiency of our Heavenly Father. They are the behaviors evidenced in the way you think about yourself. The way you meet stress. The way you meet people. The way you feel toward the opposite sex. The mental habits of letting your mind dwell on thoughts of fear, loneliness, apprehension, and revulsion that have controlled you. Those are the old things--the old ways--the patterns that you developed through your formative years in your personal environment.

New things? Realizing (fully understanding) who you are in Christ. Letting Christ meet the stress-filled days for you. Seeing people as He sees them. Giving Him full control of you (this is the hardest one). Walking in the knowledge that (1) you are loved and (2) that you are a lovely new creation. New ways! And they become yours as you accept them and begin--cautiously at first--to walk in them. Yes, these are rivers too, but they are rivers of life!

You have been set free from the bondage of your strongholds. How? "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free!" You have just "read" truth, so live like the free person you are in Christ by faith, and give Him the glory for your freedom!

source - www.lifetime.org

another good post....

from lessons from life.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

soo...tired

i'm tired today. didn't get to bed until after 1 am. although i did take about a 2 hour nap when i put the baby down for sleep last nite, the problem was it was about 10 o'clock and my wife woke me up at 12 am, cuz i was still dressed and the baby needed to be put in his crib. my poor little man is not feeling good, has some kind of bug. he threw up (projectile) monday night, then threw up again a little later while i was cleaning up the first spill. he was vommitting quite a bit again yesterday and my wife says today he's got diarrhea pretty bad. she hasn't been feeling too hot either, for the past two weeks. she's got two teeth that need to come out, i was calling her the godfather last week cuz her face was swollen pretty bad. she's in alot of pain and has been taking some pain medication that knocks her out, the pain also makes her wanna sleep. as a result of the two of them not feeling good i haven't been going to the gym. ugh. part of me hasn't been in the mood, but thats mostly due to the fact that my wife had an exam last week and when ever a big exam comes up she needs to study for a few days with her study group and they work on preparing till late night. dad needs to stay home with the baby and when she does get home it's usually pretty late and i'd end up leaving the gym at midnite, i'd stay up till 1 am, then have to be up by 6 am at the latest. and that is not condusive to growth. i need the rest along with the gym time to get stronger and bigger. i've done it before, staying in the gym till midnite, but it catches up with me, and could eventually lead to injury.

speaking of which, i pulled something playing bball last saturday, i think it's a very high calf strain. but its hard to tell cuz the pull is so deep, i can't even feel it on the outside by pressing on the area. it's behind my right knee and if i stand on my toes i can kinda feel it. i felt a little something when i went up for a layup during a game, but of course, me being me i played through it. it wasn't very painful and there hasn't been alot of pain since, more soreness than anything. i may not play this saturday to give it another week of rest. but that slows me down in the gym, cuz i can't do calf work, or at least i'm leary of it right now and calves are a stubborn area for me, although they've improved greatly. so i'm kinda bummin about not being in the gym more consistently right now, but hopefully that'll change soon. i was hoping march would be a good month for making some gains, but such is life. it'll be nice when the wife and baby are feeling better. i can't get myself to leave them to go workout. i could go, but its a long day for mom when she's not feeling well and the baby isn't and she's dealing with him by herself most of the day. so i come in to relieve the best i can. but like i said, hopefully they'll start feeling better soon. my sister is supposed to be coming up to visit the 1st week of april, i'd like to be in real good shape since we've talked about my workout goals. i'm not worried and of course you can only do so much in two weeks, just don't wanna talk a big game and not back it up. but considering she hasn't seen me in over a year, she should see a difference between now and then. ok, i'm rambling. enough for now.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

God is good

God is good cuz i know that despite all my weaknesses He loves me and despite all my attempts to control my life He is patient with me. i know that He wants the best for me, or i'm discovering that now. i think i've always felt that God was waiting for me to mess up or is keeping track of every sin. i'm sure He knows them all, but He is so just that He made it possible for those sins to be pardoned. and i'm discovering that He has these laws set up to protect me, not limit how much i enjoy life. why is it then that i have the hardest time doing things His way?? :-D

"21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23 but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members." - Romans 7:21-23

BUT!!!


9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. - I John 1:9


God is good right?

it's the C to the R to the O S S!!

Verse 1: I’m free from the bondage of having to sin * having to give in * loving the world’s top ten * having to not win when I struggle * free to love the Lord with all of my might * seeing life with all of my sight * vision unimpaired and clearer than ever * now is my faith, my salvation nearer than ever * nearer than when I first believed * then when I first received life from the giver * well springs spring up inside * right from the river (Euphrates style) * * you fraidy cats prowl on the fence and howl in defense * I’d rather find out how to repent to the wildest extent * while this world wallows away in there childish events * stuck in the mode of thuggin’ and livin for the moment * livin every moment as the Lord’s opponent * askin’ to be forgivin but givin’ poor atonement * hopin’ the thought that there isn’t really more condones it * but don’t it ever seem strange and deranged to see art work with no author’s name on the frame? * * The wise move is to check to see if the architect has supplied tools to help us dig deeper * to fall in-love with a God who could rig Easter to rescue the rest of us from the grim reaper * And if you trust Him to save you, you can trust Him to keep ya

Chorus* * It’s the C. to the R. to the O.S.S. * We make you MOVE with the M. to the E.N.T. * We preach the C. to the R. to the O.S.S. * Coming at you with the Gospel frequently * *


Verse 2: Until then, my dealings and my feelings are controlled by the wheel in * the middle of my will, ILL * I fell * hell would have caught me but Christ came And Blood brought me * His love sought me, located me and so faithfully has been * Making me what I am now * when shall this Lord be seen as responsible for all that my team has that’s worth havin’ * worth grabbin’ * for with both hands, let go of earth’s fabric and come closer than you’ve ever been to your soul’s medicine * jettison this world and it’s trends then yours’ * and Christ’s life can begin

* * Repeat Chorus * *

Verse 3: I’m not rhymin’ because I like to floss * I toss mics for Christ then step to the left like a right cross * and let Him take the center stage * and set the temperature gage * and get set to blow the spot like ten grenades * ‘cause ever-since a tender age * I’ve moved with the Lord and stayed where the alters and tents were made * So even when the temple is raised then set ablaze, I’ll stay true and give like the Jews when the tenth was gave * * Transitionin’ it’s hard to find a man listenin’ to the Lord without raisin’ his hand’s dissin’ Him * only true sons see His hand’s discipline * and have to hand it to Him like “wow” for how he handles them * * That’s when you know you’re not ill-legitimate, even when you get ill a little bit * Days later you still are feelin’ it * you don’t understand who you dealin’ with * cause you over there frontin’ and actin’ like you ain’t feelin’ it * Lookin’ all hard and beatin your chest, either come to Christ and live or continue breathin to death * * Those are the only two options I can suggest, if you can still look at this God and not get impressed. * He came from the highest of heights to the deepest of depths to buy us at sin’s price so we can be repossessed to the C R O SS we are so blessed yes! cuz of J to the E to the S U S from the north to the south to the east to the west yes He's how we live free from stress plus we bow cuz He's be's the best


- from the Human Emergency album by
the cross movement - phanatik
song: C to the R

Sunday, March 12, 2006

life is short






a love letter

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad.


'Father's Love Letter used by permission Father Heart Communications Copyright 1999-2006 www.FathersLoveLetter.com'

very nice post

i can relate to this post and again, there is hope and encouragement at the end....much needed.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

hope

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead
1 Peter 1:3


today's devotional from Our Daily Bread was encouraging. "If you are in some way damaged by past abuse or feeling defeated by sin,"...sometimes i feel defeated. alot actually, but i know there's hope. and its a life long process, becoming this new creature. "Anticipating what God has in store for us can put a smile in our heart. Hope gives us poise and lets us live with inner strength, because we know that one day we will be dramatically different than we are now". "take heart in what God has in store for you. Live today with the courage God gives you. Make what you can of your afflictions. But rejoice, because all that degrades and limits you is only temporary. It will be gone—some of it sooner rather than later."i feel a little less discouraged today.

in other news, i got my new bible yesterday! very nice. its a study bible and its nice and compact so i can fit it in my backpack easily. its gonna be my markup bible. its so sharp though, its gonna be hard at first. but i hope to put it to alot of use.

Friday, March 03, 2006

time for a change

i've come to the realization that a change needs to be made. after the incident of the woman talking about me (read here), i talked to a friend of mine who read about what happened. i'll call her "kim". kim let me know that someone she worked with who saw me around thought i was mean. now she thought this without knowing me but she was going by my countenance. i was surprised to hear this but it wouldn't be the first time that i heard that my facial expression was that of someone who's mean. i have a friend i met on the commuter rail who reads his bible on the regular and if you disagreed with him on a subject he'd tell you that you need to read your bible more or just that you need to read your bible. it was the way he said that was more disturbing than anything. there were plenty of people who told him that his approach was repulsive, not attractive. he didn't wanna hear it though. he thought it was fine for him to talk to people the way he did, no matter how many different people told him the same thing. one day i used an analogy with him to try and get the point across. i said that if you had BO (body order) and five different people came to you and let you know about your BO, then you can't really deny that you do and you have to face that fact that you have BO and need to do something about it. the light eventually came on and he realized that he needed to change his approach when talking to people about the bible.

well i've had plenty of people comment on the fact that they don't see me smile. so obviously i need to work on that. and i have been. through talking with kim, i realized that i've been in "protection mode" for a long time. growing up in NY you had to be "hard" or you'd get picked on and/or beat up. my solution was to put on a mean face to keep people from starting with me, and it worked. but its probably worked too well. i don't want people to percieve me that way. so i've really been making the effort to have a different countenance and just to give off a lighter vibe. i am a serious guy but i'm also pretty funny (my wife and family and close friends think so anyway). i feel better, kinda like some weight is being lifted, not having to "mean mug" all the time. when i go to certain neighborhoods i'll still have to get into that mode, but i think i can turn it down when i'm at work and for the most part in my daily coming and going.