How would a child come to God? With no reservations, no preconceived fears or doubts.
***
"Looking up" to Him -- from a child's perspective.He is big and I am little.
He is strong. I am weak. He will hold me in His arms. He will hold my hand. He will know what to do. . . .
Ready to listen and to ask questions,
but not to express his views or to argue with Him about His views. Giving Him the responsibility of caring for him. Indeed, expecting Him to care for him. Trusting Him to care for him.
Reaching out to touch Him.
Holding His hand for security and comfort.
Resting in His lap.
Putting his arms around His neck.
Being excited to see Him and be with Him.
Knowing that He is wiser than he is.
Knowing that He is stronger than he is.
***
but i struggle. i question. i get frustrated with this walk and my unfaithfulness and my disobedience. like b.morr says, my only consistency is my inconsistency. i desire a closer walk but haven't put out the effort necessary. i don't read His word every day, i don't pray nearly as often as i should. i don't meditate on His word. so how can i expect to have this closer walk?!?! i was telling my pastor that i'm the guy at the pool who only puts his toe in the water but doesn't jump in. i need to emerse myself in His Word. that would probably help with this battle that goes on in my heart/head.
i keep getting in the way. instead of saying "here i am Lord and i submit, please take over my life" i'm saying "i gotta work on this first, then get rid of this, then that, then i'll be ready and acceptable."
man, i just wanna love God, and truely appreciate Him. sometimes i feel so alone in this struggle. i know i'm not, but it feels like i'm fighting this fight alone and no one can relate. it's not too often you hear of people who struggle and admit it out loud. i'm hoping that God will open a door for me to find other believers to share our struggles and to encourage each other.
i could cry. just walking in to work this morning, i felt like i could have started crying in the middle of all the people around me. that's how frustrated i am. (i said i was going to be more transparent didn't i?)
the one thing that really bugs me is that the closer i try to get to Him, the harder it gets. the more i try, it seems more obstacles or stumbling blocks pop up. things that test my patience, or my ability to respond in a Christ-like manner. well, for now, i've run out of words on this topic.
***paraphrased from wednesday's devotional at lifetime guarantee ministries***
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
blah
feeling very blah today. i have so much going on in my head, it's almost overwhelming. someone...actually a neighbor broke into our apt yesterday and we're pretty sure we know who and it makes me so angry cuz we have no proof, but we know by what was taken, and believe me, it was nothing of value and just made it more obvious who it was. my screen on the screen door is ruined and the back door is no longer secure. and this just adds to the stock pile of things on my mind. and the old me wants to rage and make subtle threats out loud. be cold to everyone in the apt tenament because of the one person (most of the other tenants are related)
i'm tired. mentally, physically, emotionally. i'm gaining unwanted weight and feeling almost powerless about it. that's it for now, gotta run. but i needed to vent.
i'm tired. mentally, physically, emotionally. i'm gaining unwanted weight and feeling almost powerless about it. that's it for now, gotta run. but i needed to vent.
pluck 'em!
the summer is here and i want to pluck my eyes out!
47 And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell - Mark 9:47
47 And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell - Mark 9:47
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
thoughts on holiness
recently i've been thinking about holiness and what it means to be holy. it's a tall order no doubt, but i always have to remember that my strength comes from Him and He carries me through. so i have to remind myself to rely on Jesus to live a holy life. that being said, i've been thinking also about reverence to God and realizing how holy He is. and that is difficult for me to grasp at this point. He is so holy, yet He loved me so much that He took on human form to save me from His wrath?
"Let me ask you if you seemed confused with this
God passed through His own creature's uterus
and I admit this is odd, but the Bible can persuade me
an Omnipotent God was crying as a baby? " *
i don't know if i'm making what i'm saying clear enough, but it's hard to imagine that the same God who created me, died for me. the same God who is so Holy. and what does it mean to be holy? like what does that really mean? and God is so holy that one sin is an offense to Him?! and it's punishable by death??? wow. that's some standard.
my prayers have been for God to keep the hunger growing in me to know Him and to keep me desiring to live a life that is pleasing to Him. and recently i've taken some steps to take have a deeper walk with Him. i'll talk about that in another post. so more and more my mind has been on holiness and what it means to be holy because it is required of us; "But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." - I Peter 1:15-16. by God's grace, i will be able to meet this requirement.
*Timothy Brindle - "The Humility of Christ" from the Killing Sin album.
"Let me ask you if you seemed confused with this
God passed through His own creature's uterus
and I admit this is odd, but the Bible can persuade me
an Omnipotent God was crying as a baby? " *
i don't know if i'm making what i'm saying clear enough, but it's hard to imagine that the same God who created me, died for me. the same God who is so Holy. and what does it mean to be holy? like what does that really mean? and God is so holy that one sin is an offense to Him?! and it's punishable by death??? wow. that's some standard.
my prayers have been for God to keep the hunger growing in me to know Him and to keep me desiring to live a life that is pleasing to Him. and recently i've taken some steps to take have a deeper walk with Him. i'll talk about that in another post. so more and more my mind has been on holiness and what it means to be holy because it is required of us; "But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." - I Peter 1:15-16. by God's grace, i will be able to meet this requirement.
*Timothy Brindle - "The Humility of Christ" from the Killing Sin album.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
some early morning thoughts
it amazes me sometimes that alot of times the devotions that i do in the mornings speak to or touch on things i'm feeling or thinking about. below are some paraphrased excerps from this morning's devotional:
You lightly broke your solemn vows to me,
yet I will keep the pledge I made to you when you were young.
I will establish an everlasting covenant with you forever.
Ezekiel 16: 59-60 TLB
i see myself in that verse of scripture. numerous times since the day I gave my life over to Christ, with tears and sincere regret, i've renewed that solemn vow—only to "lightly break that vow" again in a time of frustration, anger, self-protection, weariness, or doubt.
But the Person with whom I made that agreement when I was twelve years old says, "It's all right, andrew (that's me hint hint, there's some transparency right there, my real name!!). I'm not going to back out of the covenant we made. I'm going to keep all of My promises to you. We're different—You and me. You can trust Me, dear one. I won't break the vows I made with you."
in a marriage when things aren't going well, sometimes one of the twosome is trying—everything possible—to make the marriage work, to make it the beautiful relationship that God created it to be. but for that to happen, both of them have to commit themselves to trying to make their union something special, and then beauty begins to come. then love is renewed. then the relationship becomes all that it is supposed to be.
in my covenant with the Lord, He is doing His very best to make our relationship all that He longs for it to be. i'm the one putting sand in the gears. i'm the one who is chasing other ways for fulfillment and I confess, "It's me, Lord. And I am so sorry."
thank You for being the Person of integrity that You are. Your love, your faithfulness, your dedication to me are absolutely marvelous!
Your steadfast love, O Lord, is as great as all the heavens.(That's beyond our ability to grasp, isn't it?)Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.(Beyond the clouds? No way can I imagine that.)Your justice is as solid as God's mountains.(I have never analyzed the "solidness" of a mountain, have you?)Your decisions are as full of wisdom as the oceans are with water.(Quite a comparison, isn't it?)You are concerned for men and animals alike.How precious is Your constant love, O God!Psalm 36: 5-7 (TLB)
What seems to be a minor infraction to me—lightly breaking the solemn vow I made with You—is a very major infraction with You. Help me to see that, Lord.
most of this was taken from today's devotion at Lifetime Guarantee Ministries
that pretty much sums up what some of my thoughts were this morning on the train ride into work. isn't it great that God keeps His promises and that He's faithful despite our unfaithfulness?? more and more those minor infractions are becoming more like major infractions to me and i'm taking it alot more seriously. got work to get to, i'll be back to comment on psalm 36:5
You lightly broke your solemn vows to me,
yet I will keep the pledge I made to you when you were young.
I will establish an everlasting covenant with you forever.
Ezekiel 16: 59-60 TLB
i see myself in that verse of scripture. numerous times since the day I gave my life over to Christ, with tears and sincere regret, i've renewed that solemn vow—only to "lightly break that vow" again in a time of frustration, anger, self-protection, weariness, or doubt.
But the Person with whom I made that agreement when I was twelve years old says, "It's all right, andrew (that's me hint hint, there's some transparency right there, my real name!!). I'm not going to back out of the covenant we made. I'm going to keep all of My promises to you. We're different—You and me. You can trust Me, dear one. I won't break the vows I made with you."
in a marriage when things aren't going well, sometimes one of the twosome is trying—everything possible—to make the marriage work, to make it the beautiful relationship that God created it to be. but for that to happen, both of them have to commit themselves to trying to make their union something special, and then beauty begins to come. then love is renewed. then the relationship becomes all that it is supposed to be.
in my covenant with the Lord, He is doing His very best to make our relationship all that He longs for it to be. i'm the one putting sand in the gears. i'm the one who is chasing other ways for fulfillment and I confess, "It's me, Lord. And I am so sorry."
thank You for being the Person of integrity that You are. Your love, your faithfulness, your dedication to me are absolutely marvelous!
Your steadfast love, O Lord, is as great as all the heavens.(That's beyond our ability to grasp, isn't it?)Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.(Beyond the clouds? No way can I imagine that.)Your justice is as solid as God's mountains.(I have never analyzed the "solidness" of a mountain, have you?)Your decisions are as full of wisdom as the oceans are with water.(Quite a comparison, isn't it?)You are concerned for men and animals alike.How precious is Your constant love, O God!Psalm 36: 5-7 (TLB)
What seems to be a minor infraction to me—lightly breaking the solemn vow I made with You—is a very major infraction with You. Help me to see that, Lord.
most of this was taken from today's devotion at Lifetime Guarantee Ministries
that pretty much sums up what some of my thoughts were this morning on the train ride into work. isn't it great that God keeps His promises and that He's faithful despite our unfaithfulness?? more and more those minor infractions are becoming more like major infractions to me and i'm taking it alot more seriously. got work to get to, i'll be back to comment on psalm 36:5
i wish
i wish i wrote as well as i speak. it's easier to speak what i'm thinking then it is to write it and make it sound good, or to flow well. i think when i write i tend to try to write like i talk and it doesn't always come out right or doesn't sound like i wanted it to. hopefully that'll improve in time.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
a random thought
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. Ecclesiastes 11:5.
speaking of way of the master, there was a debate recently with Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort vs. two athiests on proving the existence of God. looking at today's verse it reminded me of the debate and as a believer, i just wonder what makes people think there is no God. it's not like those who don't believe decided "hey, i wanna be born today, or better yet...i wanna be conceived today. know what i mean? you can't even explain how you got here, but you can tell us there is no God? that's a random thought right there. i could go on, but i have work to get back to. but isn't it interesting? you have no control of when you're born into this world and really no control over when you leave it, but you're sure there is no way that God had anything to do with it. i could go on. maybe in another post, that's a topic that could be discussed for pages.
speaking of way of the master, there was a debate recently with Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort vs. two athiests on proving the existence of God. looking at today's verse it reminded me of the debate and as a believer, i just wonder what makes people think there is no God. it's not like those who don't believe decided "hey, i wanna be born today, or better yet...i wanna be conceived today. know what i mean? you can't even explain how you got here, but you can tell us there is no God? that's a random thought right there. i could go on, but i have work to get back to. but isn't it interesting? you have no control of when you're born into this world and really no control over when you leave it, but you're sure there is no way that God had anything to do with it. i could go on. maybe in another post, that's a topic that could be discussed for pages.
random thoughts
so on the way in this morning, i was thinking that i'd try posting more of my random thoughts. alot of times i have plenty of thoughts running through my head and i wonder if other people think similarily. sometimes they're in the form of questions or just things i'd like to wonder out loud, so maybe i'll start "wondering out loud" here. anyway, we'll see how that goes. i think it'll help me to open up and to be a little more revealing about myself and this walk i'm on.
there's some new music up on the radio blog, i've got some new music i've purchased and some of it's up on the radio. i'll list some of the new stuff later, got some work to get to. by the way, i'm listening to way of the master and they had an interesting street interview today. they interviewed a man who's never sinned! he said he's never lied, or lusted after a woman, never used God's name in vain and wasn't disobedient with his parents! it was an interesting interview
there's some new music up on the radio blog, i've got some new music i've purchased and some of it's up on the radio. i'll list some of the new stuff later, got some work to get to. by the way, i'm listening to way of the master and they had an interesting street interview today. they interviewed a man who's never sinned! he said he's never lied, or lusted after a woman, never used God's name in vain and wasn't disobedient with his parents! it was an interesting interview
Thursday, May 10, 2007
don't call it a come back...
i been here for years....nahh..just playin....but i'm getting the blog bug again...kinda sorta. so hopefully i'll be back to posting more. and i hope to be more transparent (oy).
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